REASONS TO GET MARRIED: FOR COMPANIONSHIP

Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life.

Another valid reason—and one of the main reasons people get married—is companionship. Humans are innately social and love nothing more than boring other people to tears with their coma-inducing tales. Luckily, getting married ensures that you always have someone nearby who has to listen to your pointless stories with a minimum of eye-rolling and fake-coughing, “Bullshit!” every time you lie.

Spending your life with such a woman makes your life better in several other ways, too. You never again have to “scrounge up a date” for social events. You have someone who will secretly “confess” to your business rival's wives that you're hung like a Clydesdale and an animal in bed. You have someone to love you “in sickness and in health” (although that promise isn't legally binding, fyi). You have someone to drive you to the hospital when you staple-gun your hand to the drywall. And someone to confide all your deepest secrets and fantasies to (she won't do them, but at least she'll wait until you leave the room before she laughs at them).

As you get older, you'll get tired of wistfully asking your 25 year-old girlfriend if she remembers the time you wintered in Aspen and hearing her reply “No, that was your last whore, cock-brain.”

That gets old surprisingly fast.