REASONS TO GET MARRIED: TO SAVE MONEY

Love is a great reason to get married, right? Certainly, that's what Hollywood would have you believe at least. But they're in the business of fiction—is Yes really the correct answer? Well, for once, the bastards are right. The fact of the matter is that no amount of money can buy happiness—endless orgies of hot sex, totally, but not self-actualization. And the right chick can theoretically make life fun even without money.

Marrying for money won't make you truly happy. (It'll only seem like it as you're tooling around in her Mercedes S-Class snorting blow off an NFL cheerleader's tits while your wife eats her out in an epic, high-speed three-way.) Sure, money CAN make you wealthy enough to live pretty well while you're looking for love. But it's rare that you'll have to decide between these two extremes. If you're trying to decide between two girls, you're better off leaning towards love.

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Just make sure you have a good lawyer look at the Pre-Nup. After marrying for money and later divorcing, you'll be older, more bitter and less attractive to single women. Pretty soon, you'll be broke, drunk off your ass, desperately writing a book about fucked up relationships just to make ends meet and— well, never mind. The point is; going for the money is a cop out. It's not worth it.

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Coincidentally, choosing love over money when getting married can still be good for you financially, too. Not only do you get the aforementioned tax advantages the government doles out to encourage people to tie the knot, but you get the benefits of splitting your rent/mortgage. If you both work, the perks of marriage gets even better. Suddenly there's TWO people saving up for that luxury car with the heated seats in back for your snooty Bedlington Terriers. With two incomes flowing in you greatly reduce the risk of fighting over money, probably the biggest source of martial conflict.

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There are some unexpected financial benefits, too. Being married helps your career advancement. When you get to a certain age, you seem weird not having a wife. It's bad enough if you don't have kids, but without a wife to complain about, you'll have nothing in common with the other poor saps at work. Especially with the poor saps who can promote you.

There is absolutely a bias against unmarried men in Corporate America; married guys get paid more than single guys, and get to work less than single guys because bosses know married guys have other obligations. Like having to leave early to pick up their kids after soccer practice. Or running across town to a seedy motel for a nooner with their mistress (which can get expensive). Marriage is a club to which most successful executives belong. Like a Golf Country Club, only without all the fun of golf.

Sure, you could get many of the same benefits by just living with your chick, but then you'd probably go to Hell, you damned sinner.