Microcosm

So far, I've found the advice on this site to be sage. Clearly, long and cold-eyed contemplation of the silent desperation most of us live with (and will probably die with) has spurred a few men to create this site, to erect a small signpost in midst of the great web of information, that a lonely stranger may chance upon it - and walk away wiser.

I especially like the recommendation of creating a microcosm of your future relationship by going on a long car trip. Plunge your partnership into a stressful situation, watch what floats up. That makes sense. I think I've stumbled upon an even better acid test than a car trip though. Bring on the house hunt...

What brings out the true woman under the mask? Not the woman who smiles at you before you take her out to entertain her and buy her dinner. Not the woman whose eyes twinkle as you near because you've given her a chance to wear that dress and those ear-rings she likes (and which you've probably paid for). These light hearted momemts warm your soul, but rarely paint a vision of your future. The real woman is the woman who has becomes yours, and now has needs she expects you to fill (but will sulk if she must define to you what they are). This is not the woman who laughs gaily at you jokes, but the one who snarls at your mistakes. This is the woman who stops seeing you as a novelty-a fun addition to her life, and starts seeing you as an accessory, an integral part of her life (and typically around this time, a liability). You were a rollercoaster, but now you are in the inner sanctum and she's not sure she wants a rollercoaster in her yard... it's time for some major renovations. Slowly roll out the blood-red carpet to your personal hell: hints, suggestions, nagging, casual emasculation, sulking, tantrums, grudging (if any) sex, divorce, economic ruin... gloop... another drop in the bucket. So how can we know which Medusa lurks beneath?

...We cautiously probe into her labyrinth (and not in the fun way).

Long experience has taught me this, a woman is a social animal. In every country on earth in history, there are examples of men who have become hermits, who have turned in disgust from their societies, men who sail the seas alone - and prefer it that way. But you'd be hardpressed to find more than a handful of women who choose to do the same. Women need social contact, and social standing is a major factor in her upkeep. What your presence adds (or most likely subtracts) from her place in the social fabric will greatly determine how many of your personality quirks and ticks she will tolerate, and a very large (but of course superficial) indicator of our place in the great rat race is the house we live in. For a man, it can be a castle, a symbol of wealth and control. For a woman, it is too all these things, but much much more - a woman's home is very much a reflection on who she is. An dirty toilet? What would her mother-in-law be thinking? Ugly dishes? What will her friends say after she has that big dinner party? Did your girlfriend play house and have teddybear tea parties when she was young? It was all leading up to the day she'd have that perfect house of her own (with her perfect husband enhancing her dream). Maybe there's a way we can use this to find out exactly who we're sleeping with. Let me set the scene:

You've been dating for a while, years even. You think you know her pretty well (most likely, what you really know is what she's like on dates and holidays). But you want to know for sure... one day suggest you move in together, just to see how it works. It's time for the next step, to make sure both of you are not just wasting time (this should strike a chord with her ticking biological clock) if you're not that close, tell her you can have seperate bedrooms, tell her she can put a lock on her door, tell her she can put a padlock on her door (that should make her smile at least). Then wait... Three things will happen:

1. She leaps into you arms with big hug and a kiss. This is a cautiously good sign. She values you to some extent. She wants the relationship to go to the next level, and she probably wants to know for sure if she's wasting her precious youth on you (sure beats those godforsaken 10 Signs To Test If Your Man Loves You quizzes).

2. She hesitates. She needs more time. This could either mean you're relationship isn't quite at stage 1 yet, in which case, you suggest to her this is a good way to test the relationship; and think of all the fun you'll have, cooking dinner together, decorating the house, throwing dinner parties and of course, make sure you are NOT JUST WASTING EACH OTHERS TIME (okay, don't shout this at her, but stress it ONCE more, just to plant it in her mind, believe me she will remember). You are actually in a good position here, because this is when you bring out the first stipulation - that this will be a short term arrangement - 6 months. To be continued if things go well... Now you drop the subject and wait... If she's like most chicks, the first thing she will do is talk to a girlfriend about it. And that girlfriend will say one of two things:

2a Oooohh! He likes you, girl. This is so cool! Isn't this what you've always wanted? We could have dinner parties at your place! And you'll know if you're relationship is serious. You are so lucky! So when do you move in?

2b Whoa, girl. Are you really thinking of moving in with HIM? He's a creep. A fucking loser. You can do better. You gotta follow your heart of course, but don't say I didn't warn you. ...If your woman listens to THIS woman, your crystal ball has just given you a printout. The prognosis? Negative. If you had allowed this chick further into your life, she would have ended up listening and eventually surrounding herself with just such a peer group that thrives a belittling you (and probably most men). You just dodged a bullet, and thats a guarantee you can bank on.

There's another reason why she might need more time, and that's if your relationship falls in category 3:

3. She looks at you bemused, then turns you down (politely or otherwise). You were her toy boy, you two were just having a bit of fun, enjoying each other's bodies. She definetely was never going to let it go any further than that. Nice going idiot, you just blew a few months of casual sex. If you really didn't know that's all she wanted (and there are subtle signs, eg she asks for the dirtiest sex that's ever blessed your ears, she never probes into your personal life and shows interest in your family, your career, your future, and most probably, she tells you outright she just wants sex) then you probably didn't deserve a casual fuck in the first place. Whatever the hell you did get in that situation (most probably by looking hot but stupid), try do it again until another chick comes along, but pay attention this time, you nong.

This isn't the end of the test however, no no, this is really just where the rabbit hole begins. Your woman will have some idea of her dream house, and most probably, it won't have have no resemblence to what you think will be suitable. Start calling up some real estate agents. Visit some places. Makes sure there is some pressure involved here, one or both of you should be working, which limits the time you have available to go to those time consuming inspections (fantastic test if one of you doesn't drive), it's good if there are some money restrictions (ie she can only spend so much on rent) and all the better if there is some sort of time limit on your househunt. Make it up if you have to, you're going to be kicked out of your current place in 2 months (even better if SHE is going to be kicked out of her current place by a set time). This is one aspect of the acid test. There are quite a few loops you have to jump through to secure even a six month lease, now you get to see what your womans like when she has to jump. After each place you visit, ask your woman what she thinks. If the place affordable, she WILL find a fault. Does it look clean, what are the neighbours like, is it cold at night, is there a fireplace, is there central heating, is there plenty of hot water, is it in a safe neighbourhood, how far is it from work, how far is it from friends and family. And most likely, she will NOT make a set decision. Prepare for some exhausting (and usually ridiculous) debate. After a few inspections and probably rejections, there should be a telling sense of heightened fustration. You'll begin to see other aspects or your woman now: how much work does she expect you to do, are you doing all the inspections, making all the calls, doing all the talking to strangers(probably). Is she trying to help at all? Is she starting to make demands? The crystal ball unclouds as we speak.

This is only the start though, once a house has been secure, it's time furnish the damn thing, take a trip to that expensive furniture shop, and observe your womans reaction when she realizes she can't have that gorgeous sofa because YOU can't afford it. Welcome to the time-honored Saturday mornings couple's argument at IKEA. Or open up the second-hand goods section of your local paper, and prepare for more debate, is it clean, is it worth it, does it work, why don't we just buy a new one, it has to last us a long time, doesn't it? Are you really serious about US? Wheeeeee...spin that wheel. Of course you still have to move everthing in, Honey, can you lift this upstairs? Actually, it looks better over there. Lets, trying putting this over there instead? What do you think? Honey?

Oh and there's the utilities, we're moving in now, how come the phone is not connected yet? how long for that broadband? Did you call the water people today? Why not?

If your relationship survives that baptism by fire, living with her will continue to reveal to you life's little lessons. How much sex does she actually need when you are around all the time, and your presence is no longer an event? How much sex will she provide, when you're already in her life and not free to visit greener pastures at a whim. How does your woman treat you when guests are present (do you take precedence or do they?) Are your lives even compatible? Are you still that rollercoaster in her life? (just be sure not to mess up the house) or something else she has to deal with and clean up after a day of work. 6 months, pal, count the days down, and be glad you didn't sign a 12 month lease.

This is what I've learned from hard experience. I didn't dream it up, I wouldn't have the imagination. A woman's home is her palace, and if you comprimise that- it's your ass, and the only thing that will save it is the relationship you *think* you have (but probably don't). If anyone has a good microcosm, I'd love to hear it. And if your life experiences have led you think what I've proposed is rubbish, then my guess is you're probably on the wrong site, Lucky.