He stole my sanity

This guy sounds exactly like my ex. I did everything for my ex that you did for yours - I just felt it was the right thing to do, then it all backfired in my face. Don't worry, it gets a little better everyday.

had an ex like that. at first you are a goddess, a blessing, a cure. then -- and it may seem all of a sudden -- you are a villianess, controlling, demanding -- simply because you gave everything. what happened?! hence, the loss of sanity.

take heart...first of all, it does get better with time. it sucks real bad to not have closure, but you get through it. this guy did you a favor -- you would probably still be kind to him and secretly he would be resenting it, because he doesn't have the same generosity of spirit -- which counts as much as material generosity, if not more.

secondly, i found that people in general start to feel real guilty about always being on the receiving end, especially if they have no way of ever reciprocating in kind -- even if you don't demand it or expect it. they think it is always something you will have over them. at times they might even be jealous. it hurts a lot -- but in the future you will be careful to find someone you feel more evenly matched with in terms of giving and sacrifice -- even if you both don't earn the same.

lastly, i found that guys who are attracted to girls who give and/or sacrifice much to be with them, are really looking for mothers. and in a way, we are happy to comply, because women can be naturally maternal. and with having children so much later in life than say our mothers did, we mistakenly expend kind maternal instincts on our mate. but what do children eventually do, no matter how wonderful their moms are? they grow up, seek independence, and eventually leave. teens can even resent their moms who may feel rejected and try to spend even more time with their son. why? because that child wants to prove that he can do it on his own (even if he never has before). most kids see their parents as controlling at some point in time. In reality, you (like the parent) were not controlling, but generous and loving unselfishly. The child is simply ready to move on, and the other person in the relationship didn't expect it. The "child" may also be scared to survive without your help, hence the resentful feelings of your "controlling" him. You have spoiled him and now how is he supposed to get by without getting what he needs from you? That will be tough for him, believe me. So at least you can take some comfort in that.

Unfortunately, people like us need to be wary of men who are so willing to be completely on the receiving end -- sadly, it is a sign of immaturity, and those "undeveloped" men will eventually seek "independence," as they struggle in their search to actually become "developed." this is not a project you want to take on. many times these men do not achieve development, even after they have broken up with you. and later, whether it be weeks, months, or years -- you will see this person standing in the same spot they were in when you dated them, even though you have gone on to grow and do great things. that is when you will say "whew!"

my advice -- find someone who INSISTS on giving you as much as you give him. you'll feel pampered and at the same time not feel controlling because you're generous.

good luck. i am very like you, and know what it feels like to be totally cut off. don't lose your generous spirit.

Charity, you write enough? I agree with Charity, DON'T, I repate DON'T, lose your generous spirit. Your characteristics are what I seek in women. Where are they all at?

If anything, I feel that he's the jerk for leaving. It will hit him soon enough what he is missing. I think that you also might have spoiled and/or was too clingy to him.

This then begs the question I always ask myself. Should you put your lover before yourself? Rationally, the answer is no, and we always have to look out for ourselves first. That being said, we have to keep the I identity, as opposed to the We identity. You still have to do your own thing and maintain your level of independence. Basically, that means keeping your friends, going out, etc. No lover is bigger than YOUR life, and to a religious perspective, no lover is bigger than God. In the end, it's all about YOU.

The thing that gives me solace is that the right girl wouldn't give me any problems. If a girl gives me problems then she is a waste of time, and CUT!

To the poster, hold your head up high. There is someone out there who needs what you are willing to offer. If anything, be greatful for the experience you've been given. Time will heal all wounds.

oh, man. I'm going through a similar situation. I gave up my money, friends, freedom, you name it... to be with my ex-boyfriend. He left me a few days ago saying he needed "space" when in reality, I wasn't crowding him. I can't say that everything willl get better, because I'm also sitting at home on the internet because I cut myself off from everyone but him. At least we can commisserate on this post and know that we are not as alone as we feel. Keep your head up and know that he'll be sorry. Boys suck. <3

Love is one of those things that make us very forgiving. It also leads to an interpretation of actions in the most positive light.

This guy has walked all over you, and the problem is you've accepted it. You're used to accepting it. And this is another example of him walking all over you, and your reaction is...well...to just accept it. And just like you've forgiven him every other time for every stupid little thing he did, you're repeating this, at least emotionally and mentally, once again.

Unfortunately, he is probably aware of this, so if he doesn't manage to find someone soon, he'll probably show up on your door, make some sort of act of contrition (like take you out for dinner) to show that he's changed, work his way back into your good graces (which, considering your somewhat forgiving nature shouldn't be too hard), and then play the field on the side...assuming he hasn't already.

Why in the hell would you put up with that?

Better question...what would you tell a friend in the same position? If one of your friends was being used by someone, would you stand back and watch it happen, or would you try to open your eyes? Because SL, you're being used. And harshly.

If you still care about and miss him, then you need to examine why. Why would you miss this sort of behavior? What is it about you that makes you scared to look beyond this? Are you afraid that you'll never find someone else? Have you defined your self-worth with his presence?

What I think you need to do is to take time to yourself. Immerse yourself in a social hobby, like a local sports team, a crafts workshop, or even volunteer somewhere. Not only will these experiences boost your self esteem, but they give you the opportunity to meet other people, and odds are, when you're ready, you can pick and choose from among them someone who is your equal and will treat you like one.

But for now, take time to yourself, look to yourself, and develop your self esteem into a positive yet realistic self-appraisal. I get the feeling that you don't really love yourself (and really, why would you put up with tihs crap if you did...as charity pointed out, this seems more like a mother/son relationship than one of equals), then how can you love anyone else?

Find yourself. Love yourself. Then love someone else.

CA

I agree with Charity, DON'T, I repeat DON'T, lose your generous spirit. Your characteristics are what I seek in women. Where are they all at?

I had a girl who was perfect to me once, i fucked her over being the 17 yr old that i was, and never found another one like her. You never know what you have until you've lost it. I am unable to love a woman at this point from the ex's ive had after her. One in particular really messed me up :\

I know that love makes me people crazy so you do weird stuff. But some people here are saying that they don't understand how they were crowding their ex-es, meanwhile, saying that they gave up everything for them. That's really contradicting. From my perspective, giving up everything you loved and enjoyed for this person changed you. You were no longer the person they fell for. Sometimes it's hard to keep friends when you're in a relationship, but you have to. Losing your identity because you're with someone is just going to result in a bad ending, I think. How can anyone love you when you're not yourself?

On the other hand, that doesn't mean your ex isn't a prick for being so cold about it. It sounds like you were both a little bit wrong. It's great to be giving, but giving up the stuff that makes you, well,you, isn't.

Spooky asked an interesting question: How can anyone love you when you aren't yourself?

Sadly enough, how many people misrepresent themselves to overcome self-perceived insecurities? Especially the internet...the greatest strength and simultaneoulsy the greatest weakness of the internet is the way people can remake themselves into a more popular image without the bad habits, but when it comes down to it, they haven't changed, they've simply built up a perception of themselves that, when held up to the real thing, is inaccurate. This in turn leads to disappointment, and, depending on how serious the misrepresentation was, distrust and disrespect. And how long do you think a relationship based on this lasts?

It helps if you are yourself from the beginning. Then you can answer the question.

CA