Compatibility

One of the great inequities of life is that, while men are incredibly attracted to women, women are equally attracted to food.

To combat this attraction mismatch, humans created an unholy triumvirate; a ménage a trois with food, if you will. A solution as old as time itself: Men bought women food in order to get sex. It was roundabout, sure, but it sorta worked.

So the solution to World Peace has finally been discovered. And it's surprisingly simple: More women.

That's funny, because I always thought women were the problem. Turns out, the real problem was a lack of women.

According to a recent article in BusinessWeek, when you "put a bunch of male rats in a cage with no females, give them plenty of food, and they get along like they're on some sort of male sensitivity retreat." Apparently, without women around, men have no need to compete (and by compete, they mean kill each other).

In one monkey tribe with a high female-to-male ratio, aggression "was far less frequent. There was more reciprocal grooming and hanging out, and females were less defensive now that there were more of them. But most surprising, outsider aggressor males that joined the tribe quickly adapted...becoming less aggressive and more social as well."

The obvious, but hard-to-believe conclusion: More women means more peace.

If there were shitloads of chicks everywhere, men wouldn't have to compete for them. When there's more supply, there's less demand, and less demand means fewer arrogant bitches (Yeah, I'm talking to you, Paris).

So if you're planning to burden society with yet another screaming crap-machine, at least try to have a female one. For the sake of world peace. The future will thank you.

Here's a tip: If someone makes you angry enough to write a song about murdering them, chances are good that the two of you shouldn't be together. Even if you have kids. (Hell, especially if you have kids!) Rapper/songwriter Eminem—who had apparently never heard "Gold-digger" by Kanye West—stupidly remarried the very same woman who inspired his song, "Kim."

Now, 82 days later, he's wised up and filed for divorce. It was bad enough that he took the bitch back in the first place, but if the rumor is true that he didn't get her to sign a pre-nup, then he's dumber than she looks.
Seriously, what woman wouldn't try to remarry her now-rich Ex—even if she hated his guts? Hell, even Mother Teresa would've taken a run at that easy payday.
On the bright side, you know he'll be back writing even more angry, pain-tinged music in no time. Mostly, because he'll need the fucking money...

I had a fight with my boyfriend of over three years and now he's just ignoring me. I call him and he doesn't answer. Doesn't return calls. Outright ignores me on IM. He used to tell me that he didn't love me, because the concept of "love" didn't really register with him as meaning anything, but that he did "have feelings." A few months ago, after breaking up, we got back together and all of a sudden he was telling me that he loved me. Everything was going good, but then we had a fight about something retarded and he's ignoring me. He does this every time we fight, and I feel like it's entirely disrespectful. Most of the time I get mad because of something he did, then I threaten not to talk to him, so then he just doesn't talk to me and I end up crawling back to him. No apologies ever. I know this is f'd up and yet I continue to try and contact him whenever he does this. There are plenty of other guys who want to go out with me, and yet I'm hung up on this guy, because we get along so well. We're like best friends normally, but then a dispute happens and it's like I don't exist anymore. Why can't I leave this guy alone?

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Dating advice for chicks:

This is the best definition we've heard. Love is when BOTH of you think you're "dating up".

In other words, you feel as though you're getting someone better than you deserve. You think you're getting away with something.

Or, as Artie Shaw was quoted as saying, "Love is an agreement between two people to overestimate each other." Brilliant.

But it ABSOLUTELY has to be mutual.

We can't stress this enough. And the only way to tell is through actions. Are they acting like they wouldn't rather be anywhere besides with you?

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This is the basis of respect and it's the only thing that will keep a relationship together the next time some 19-year-old with tight buns smiles at one of you.

Love isn't the romantic crap they spout on TV-movies or in Romance novels. Because no one can read your mind well enough to provide that. Love is a partnership with sex thrown in for fun.

Love is not about "completing" someone.

It's not a healthy relationship unless both of you are fully formed, well-adjusted adults already. And it's not about "needs". It's about "wants". If you really need someone, maybe you're a little too desperate and should seek serious counseling. Wanting someone is a conscious decision. It's selfish, but in a healthy way.

FIND OUT IF YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.
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Just don't kid yourself that you're in love when you're not sure the other person feels the same way. If they do, you might be. If they don't, you aren't.

You'll recognize Love because it will be unlike anything you've ever experienced. That's why people say, you'll know. Because you will. (You must then, by definition, not marry the first person you date or you'll have no basis for comparison...)