Hell, i fell in love when i was 16 with this cute little girl, she cheated on me about 5 times during our two year long relationship and dumped me three days before getting back with some other guy. And boy, i can COMPLETELY relate to how you felt. I was brought up by my sister in the whole "you have to respect women" and "be sensitive, caring and understanding" bullshit. And when i actually did put all the effort in being a nice guy, the cute girl shoveled shit in my face. And yeah, i was angry too, so angry at her for all the lies, the bullshit excuses, the hypocrisy. It took me three years to get over it, three long years to actually be able to talk about it without gritting my teeth.
And yes, i felt exactly like you do now. I didn't give a fuck about feelings, about love or even about fairness or compassion. I had sex with about a dozen women of all ages within six months, not even giving "feelings" a thought. I was the epithomy of cold, harsh and down to earth guy that was confident enough to get any girl he wanted. And i did too.
But after living like that for about eight years, i realized that the whole thing was a lie, just like the rest. That i was simply running away from my feelings, not allowing myself to get too involved out of plain, pathetic fear of being hurt again. And BELIEVE me, after eight years of practice, i was EXTREMELY good at it.
The problem is, when you don't care about anything, not even about being alone, well, you usually ARE alone. And one morning you wake up and you don't know why but something deep inside you stirrs up and starts yanking away at your soul. You feel like some thing's deeply wrong with you, that you're so tied up with this image of a strong person that you've forgotten what it's like to be honest. You start feeling bad for no reason, losing all interest in whatever's around you. You slowly drift into this meaningless existence of quick and easy pleasure that never lasts more than a second.
So you've got this bad feeling inside you and you don't even know why. Hell, you can't even put it into words, you don't know what it is except that it's just terribly wrong. So you start to look for answers in books, on websites, in expensive meetings with counselors and even zen meditation. But you just can't find it, this goddamn thing that's just so wrong
And the issue is, you're smart enough to know, deep inside, that you're not confident, you're not strong, you're just a pathetic little liar that's afraid of the truth.
It took me about a year of work to actually realize it, to work my way through it and finally be at peace. Now mind you, I'm not saying that all the above applies to you, but i wanted to tell you about it so that in case it happens to you, you'll know you're not the only one out there...
Well, you're gonna think this sounds cheesy or cliché, but i can see myself in EVERY fuckin' line you've written, both before and after.
Hell, i fell in love when i was 16 with this cute little girl, she cheated on me about 5 times during our two year long relationship and dumped me three days before getting back with some other guy. And boy, i can COMPLETELY relate to how you felt. I was brought up by my sister in the whole "you have to respect women" and "be sensitive, caring and understanding" bullshit. And when i actually did put all the effort in being a nice guy, the cute girl shoveled shit in my face. And yeah, i was angry too, so angry at her for all the lies, the bullshit excuses, the hypocrisy. It took me three years to get over it, three long years to actually be able to talk about it without gritting my teeth.
And yes, i felt exactly like you do now. I didn't give a fuck about feelings, about love or even about fairness or compassion. I had sex with about a dozen women of all ages within six months, not even giving "feelings" a thought. I was the epithomy of cold, harsh and down to earth guy that was confident enough to get any girl he wanted. And i did too.
But after living like that for about eight years, i realized that the whole thing was a lie, just like the rest. That i was simply running away from my feelings, not allowing myself to get too involved out of plain, pathetic fear of being hurt again. And BELIEVE me, after eight years of practice, i was EXTREMELY good at it.
The problem is, when you don't care about anything, not even about being alone, well, you usually ARE alone. And one morning you wake up and you don't know why but something deep inside you stirrs up and starts yanking away at your soul. You feel like some thing's deeply wrong with you, that you're so tied up with this image of a strong person that you've forgotten what it's like to be honest. You start feeling bad for no reason, losing all interest in whatever's around you. You slowly drift into this meaningless existence of quick and easy pleasure that never lasts more than a second.
So you've got this bad feeling inside you and you don't even know why. Hell, you can't even put it into words, you don't know what it is except that it's just terribly wrong. So you start to look for answers in books, on websites, in expensive meetings with counselors and even zen meditation. But you just can't find it, this goddamn thing that's just so wrong
And the issue is, you're smart enough to know, deep inside, that you're not confident, you're not strong, you're just a pathetic little liar that's afraid of the truth.
It took me about a year of work to actually realize it, to work my way through it and finally be at peace. Now mind you, I'm not saying that all the above applies to you, but i wanted to tell you about it so that in case it happens to you, you'll know you're not the only one out there...