UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Dating advice for chicks:

Like we said, a good personal ad is a specific ad. So ask yourself the following questions and incorporate the answers into your ad. If you touch on all of these topics you'll seem picky, but that's the whole idea. Do you want to waste your and time on men who aren't what you're looking for? If you do, you might as well hit the bars.

AGE RANGE - What age range of men are you comfortable being caught panty-less with? And don't just think in absolute terms like 18-35. What age historically have you been better with? Cradle-robbing, or Viagra-poppers?

MARITAL STATUS - How much baggage do you want to deal with? Do you want someone who is single, divorced or never-married? Never-marrieds often have naive, idealistic views of relationships, while divorced people are often more realistic but have “Ex” baggage—namely, kids.

OCCUPATION - Corporate CEO, stay-at-home Mr. Mom, or former adult film star? Think down the road to your 20th high-school reunion. Will you care then what your significant other does? Or who he did?

RELIGION - Pick one, none, or don't think it matters? It does. Religion can make your life hell (assuming you believe in hell).

EDUCATION - GED, High School, College, MBA, or doesn't matter? Sure it's only a piece of paper, but do you want all your future conversations limited to what's on TV that night?

ATHLETIC ACTIVITY - Very, somewhat, or total couch potato? The last thing you wanna do is hook up with one of those perky morning guys who runs marathons if you're a night person who smokes crack and only runs when the cops are chasing you.

SMOKING/DRINKING/DRUGS - Yes/No/Occasional? Lots of relationship problems begin and end here. Smoking shows an oral fixation and weakness of character that you can exploit for your own sexual benefit. A guy with a drinking problem will say things he doesn't mean, such as “I do.” And drugs can mask even deeper problems, like his lengthy police record.

POLITICAL LEANING - Are you looking for someone leaning Liberal or more Conservative? You can avoid a lot of screaming matches every fourth November by asking upfront.

ASTROLOGY - What sign are you compatible with generally? Don't know? Find out, it could save you both a lot of headaches. Or, faking them anyway. At least tell others what your sign is.

PROXIMITY - Long distance relationships are notoriously a bitch, but not impossible if you don't mind to traveling. Or, if you have a husband you're not telling your boyfriend about.

KIDS - Breeder or Childless By Choice? Children are often a deal-maker or breaker for new relationships, so no matter how you really feel about them, be sure to lie and say you want them. You can always give them up for adoption.

INTERESTS - Do you like Opera? Or Bowling? You need to let men know whether you are a pretentious bitch or a white trash whorebag.

SENSE OF HUMOR - What specifically do you find funny? Even if it's just fart jokes. Give girls a good idea of what you consider funny: like Jon Stewart. Or if you don't like humor: Sinbad.

MUSICAL TASTES - List specific bands/artists to show what type of music you like. Or, if you like Country music, just put down “I don't like music.”

STRANGE INTERESTS - Also, list any unusual interests you have that someone might need to know about you. (And not just the FBI.) Interests you'd like a man to share. Just be specific so you don't waste time with shallow, meaningless relationships that just end in sex. After all, what's the point of that? (Waitaminute...)