Once you line up a date, your first task is to figure out where to take the lady. Some women like the man to plan the whole event, while others are put off by guys who are “too controlling.” The best idea—just like when dealing with a toddler—is to bring a few options and let your date pick the one she likes best. That way, you control the possibilities (and expenses), and she controls the decision; everybody wins.

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The dating options available today are, in a word, endless. There are, of course, some first date possibilities that are better than others. Going out for drinks, for example, is a good first date mainly because it's not as big of a time commitment as dinner, a movie or marriage. Getting a drink or two in your date shows you what she's like at her worst; it lets you see if she's a slutty drunk, a bitchy drunk, or a violent drunk. And that's valuable information when you're first dating someone new.

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Few women will protest the opportunity to quaff free alcohol. Also, the chance at a free meal in a nice restaurant probably won't get rejected, either. Certainly, the nicer the restaurant, the more guilt some women feel about not paying, and the more likely they are to put out. But don't take her to some 5-star restaurant to impress her at first. Take advantage of the fact that early in the relationship, your date is probably trying to impress you, too. (She won't want to seem like a high-maintenance bitch at first, even if she is one. She'll spring that on you later.) Take her to some local, low-priced dive that could be considered “quaint” or “interesting”; tell her you heard the food was really good. Just be sure to avoid fast food restaurants and foods that you have to eat with your hands. That's just not attractive, for anyone.

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Remember, food is sex to women. They obsess about food the way you obsess about sex. They think about it every 45 seconds, if not more. Getting food is a woman's strongest impulse (possibly so she can provide resources for a child. It's primitive, survival-of-the-species stuff.) Don't fight that instinct; go with it. So what if women like to eat. (As a guy, you're never disappointed by getting sex, right?) Well, women are never disappointed about getting taken out to eat. If you want to impress a woman, you don't have to reinvent the wheel. Who do you think keeps those pricey restaurants in business? Regular guys? Hell no—regular guys will eat a half-eaten chili-dog out of a dumpster. No, high-priced restaurants are kept in business by smart guys who know how to get a woman to put out.

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Dumb guys, on the other hand, think going to the movies will get women to sleep with them. But, you know where morons get that idea? Exactly, from the fucking movies. (Think the studios have anything to gain from promoting that idea?) Honestly, movies generally suck as a first date. Why? First, you have the problem of deciding which of the 108 shitty movies playing at your local MegaPlex to see. If you pick an Action Flick, she's not gonna be happy. But, if you pick a Period Drama, your loud snoring is not going to make others happy.

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So, you'll probably pick a safe, compromise movie, like a romantic comedy, tailor made to reinforce her already unrealistic expectations of men. During the critical time when you need to impress your date, you're letting her watch an actor who is everything you're not: Good-looking, sweet, charming and rich. By going to the movies, all you're doing is setting up a compare-and-contrast situation (which you are not going to win), decreasing your chances to nail her. Second, movies are antisocial. For 90 minutes, give or take, you're in the proximity of your date, but you're not actually talking to her, or getting to know her. She might as well be a total stranger sitting there—a total stranger who's getting to see an expensive movie and eat expensive snacks for free. The only real plus side is that you might get a chance to put your arm around her and/or feel up her boob (only you can judge if that's worth the price of a jumbo buttered popcorn).

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Another popular date possibility is taking her dancing. If you're considering it, reconsider. Most women believe how well a man dances tells them how good he is in bed. It doesn't actually, but you run the risk of killing your chances to screw her before you even get your clothes off (or she sees how hairy your back is). If you really want to go dancing, wait until your wedding reception. When it's too late for her to escape.

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As another option, you could always get super-creative and take her on a hayride, a hot air balloon ride or to any number of “wacky” events and places. But you probably shouldn't. Your odds of “wowing” her are slim, but your odds of “creeping her out” are excellent. That stuff works in movies because the women are “acting” impressed; in real life, that stuff makes you look slightly less lame than showing up in a suit of armor astride a white steed. Grand gestures are for later on in a relationship, when you both know each other. Or when you've fucked up so bad, only spending insane amounts of money will prove to her that you didn't know her diamond engagement ring was Cubic Zirconium.

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Probably the best date is an amusement park (Six Flags, kindly make our bribe check out to “Cash”). Why? There's a correlation between fear and excitement. The two produce similar chemical changes in the human body. As such, the two can easily be confused for each other. To encourage these feelings of pseudo-arousal in your date, take her to do something semi-dangerous like a scary amusement park ride or horror flick (avoid gross-out flicks, as disgust doesn't have the same effect). But be sure she's cool with the idea first. Otherwise, the idea could easily backfire all over you, especially if she's just had a big meal.

Whatever you choose, don't go nuts because you're excited and insecure. Pace yourself, and your spending. After all, you want her to like you, not your wallet.