UNDERSTANDING WOMEN - THEY NEED WHAT YOU NEED.

What Women Want Men to Know Besides how to lick better.

Let's begin with the basics: her needs. These are pretty much the same needs as a man's, only with less ball scratching. Now, with every need a woman has, there is a wide range of possible ways you can fill it. Sadly, even if you can fill all her needs, some other guy may be able to fill all of them better. Or longer. Or harder. So just because you think you've got the basics covered, doesn't mean you don't have to watch your back.

What Women Want Men to Buy Them

BASIC NEEDS

A woman's most basic needs are fairly self-explanatory: air, water, food and sleep. Nothing difficult there; any moron should be able to provide these. But, if you're not meeting these needs for your girl, you need to go into your basement, take the ball-gag out of her mouth and let her go. Okay? (Her family is probably very worried. No, do it now. We'll wait...) No matter how you rationalize it, kidnapping is just plain wrong. Besides, it's hard for a woman to like the real you when she's hallucinating from starvation and thinks you're a giant cockroach. (Keep reading this and maybe next time, you'll be able to get a girl without using a rag dipped in Chloroform.)

SAFETY & SHELTER

Once their basics are covered, women go looking for Safety & Shelter. This doesn't mean you need to protect her from ferocious animals—this isn't the freakin' Pleistocene, Mr. Neanderthal—usually just keeping her lunatic family and the bank creditors off her back are enough. Because a woman who's afraid of hired bank goons demanding fraudulent loan repayment isn't a woman who has time to appreciate the nuances of your personality. So help her stop wondering which kneecap they're gonna break first by getting a decent job and moving out of your parents' house. Years later, when the heat is off and she has a new face and identity, maybe then she'll have time to seriously consider going out on a date with you.

Seduce Me! What Women Really Want.

LOVE & ACCEPTANCE

After shelter, the next rung on the needs ladder is Love and Belonging. Making a chick feel loved is easy (as we'll show later). The hard part is making a woman feel accepted in Society. Unless you're a celebrity, you simply don't have control over that. Other people do.

Society judges her “acceptability”—or social status—by assessing her, along with her associations (that's you).

Depending on what kind of girl she is, her need for acceptance could range anywhere from low (a bitter social outcast) to high (a popularity slut). And the higher her need is, the more impressive you need to be for her to stick around. The only way to gauge this is by counting her friends; the fewer, the better.

What Women Want What Every Man Needs to Know About Sex, Romance, Passion, and Pleasure.

ESTEEM

Once she's got a grip on her place in society, next on the list is increased self-esteem. Self-esteem comes from two main sources: Internally—from knowing you can do something well, and externally—getting credit for doing something well (this is essentially Advanced Acceptance). Once a woman has been “accepted” into Society, she will immediately want to climb the ladder, gaining influence and power. Influence and power help her in life many ways. The first of which is helping her find a better guy. So don't be too helpful with this one.

What Women Really Want How American Women Are Quietly Erasing Political, Racial, Class, and Religious Lines to Change the Way We Live.

SELF-ACTUALIZATION

Your girl is probably feeling pretty good at this point. She's got food, shelter, companionship, acceptance and self-esteem. You'd think that would be enough for anyone, but it's not (nothing ever is). So the next logical step, naturally, is starting her own religion.

Women who reach this level try to maximize their human potential. They seek knowledge, work towards peace, and make the world a better place—primarily for other women (and, most likely, at the expense of men).

If you get a woman this far, you get a gold star. The only thing to do now is sit back and relax while she shows you her appreciation by unzipping your pants and lovingly giving you oral sex. And if you believe that, then you probably also believe she never faked her orgasms.