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Nina Hartley's Making Love to Women A how-to video for you non-readers.

If you're like most men, you want to fuck badly, in the worst possible way. And that, in a nutshell, is the way most men fuck. Men are so intent on getting their own rocks off that they cheat their partner out of theirs (and themselves out of repeat sex).

How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know.

Understandably, being near a naked woman makes a man's brain focus intently on one thing: Mounting her like a wildebeest and humping her brains out (okay, that's two). In that rare situation, some urgency is understandable, as you have only a few minutes to do The Deed before she wises up and puts her clothes back on.

However, it's in your best interest to slow it down and focus on her at first. She needs to get something out of having sex to make it worth her risking disease and/or pregnancy. She's got a lot riding on riding you, so she has a right to expect you to hang in there, right? Too bad, most young guys lack the self-control necessary to do the job.

Maybe you're just with the wrong type of girl.

Despite what a lot of men think, many women can—and often do—have orgasms. It's just that, compared to men's orgasms, a woman's isn't as easily come by (did you get it this time?).

Female orgasms rarely happen in response to any specific type of physical stimulation (such as rubbing the living shit out of it). They rely equally on psychological stimulation, too. If their brains aren't into it, then an orgasm ain't on tonight's menu. Like men, women have orgasms when they're excited. Unlike men, it takes more than saying, “I'm horny!” to excite them.

I'm Not in the Mood: What Every Woman Should Know About Improving Her Libido.

Regrettably, most women lack a man's sexual focus—the ability to stay on course towards the big “O” without getting distracted by little things like her husband coming home early. Or a tornado taking the roof off. Men can fuck anytime/anywhere, whereas women are more particular. Naturally, Hollywood would have you believe that the “perfect moment” for sex can occur anywhere as long as you both are truly attractive and love each other but, in reality, a woman's orgasm is way more complicated than that.

For a woman to have an orgasm, the following MUST first occur:

• 1.) She must like you.
• 2.) She must want to get fucked.
• 3.) She must want to get fucked by you.
• 4.) She must be thinking about getting fucked by you.
• 5.) She must not be thinking about ANYTHING else.
• 6.) She must not feel fat.
• 7.) She must not have called her mother in the last week.
• 8.) The house must be spotlessly clean.
• 9.) The planets must be aligned in an order that only occurs once every millennium.
• 10.) You must not say or do anything “wrong” in the process.

Hell, if women were wired more like men, their entire vaginas would be lined with a bazillion feel-good nerves. Instead, mainly the clitoris is. (The rest of the female sexual anatomy is there mostly for reproductive purposes and expelling ping pong balls on stage at Thai sex shows. Sure, women feel sensations throughout their nether regions, but the clit is Orgasm Central. And that's where the trickiness begins.

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If you treat her clit the way you treat your dick—say, by abusing the shit out of it—she's going to cut off your penis, get dressed and go home to her vibrator. Why? The penis and clit don't work the same way. Her clitoris is more concentrated and, therefore, more sensitive than your dick. (Figuring guys weren't smart enough to figure out the female sexual anatomy, Nature hid it where men would have a hard time finding and overstimulating it. That way, women could get off through incidental contact while fucking. Just a theory...)

In a misguided attempt to make a woman come, some guys will hold off and pound away hours longer than they should in the belief that staying power equals good sex. It doesn't. But, just because men stop at nothing to orgasm, doesn't mean women view sex the same way. Sometimes a woman just doesn't feel like coming (!!!). Often, women just want sex to be over, and the fastest way to get rid of you is by pretending to orgasm.

Why would a woman fake an orgasm? There are any number of reasons. The most obvious answer is that you're sweaty, disgusting and smell bad. Or maybe she wants to get some sleep. Or, you're boring in bed. Or, she's got other things to do. Or, she wants you to like her. Or, your dick doesn't vibrate at 10,000-rpm's.

Satisfaction : The Art of the Female Orgasm by Sex And The City's Kim Cattrall.

When a woman is excited, really excited, her voice goes up about six fucking octaves—high enough that neighborhood dogs come running. If you've ever seen two old girlfriends meet on the street, you've seen real female excitement. That annoying shriek they inevitably let loose is true excitement. Not the kind of breathy, moaning noises you hear coming from porn stars (or from your mom when you were a kid and your parent's bedroom door was locked). That's just acting.

As hard as it is for guys to understand, there are times when women really just aren't into sex. And at times when your sex drive and hers don't mesh (aka, ALL the time), a woman has three choices: First, she can fake a headache or give you the cold shoulder (virtually guaranteeing that you'll seethe with rage and fuck around on her as revenge.) Second, there's the “Tomorrow night, honey” deferral method which is a popular way to reject your advances by appealing to the last shred of human compassion left in a man crazy with a raging hard-on.

The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution

The third option—and best choice if you ask most men—is for her to just lie there. Sometimes, the most appealing option for a woman is to just let you screw her even though she knows she's not gonna cum. Crazy? No, just practical. She knows it will take for-fucking-ever to get in the mood, so instead she gives you a little “Oh! Oh! Oh!” and the occasional “God, yes!” You'll shoot your load in under 3 minutes, fall asleep and she'll get the remote all to herself. It's a textbook win-win scenario. (Not that you really care, but you can tell whether she's faking it easily: If she's on top she's probably not faking it. If she's on the bottom and checking her nail manicure, she's probably faking.)

So don't sweat it if you aren't making your woman orgasm every time, it may just be that she has other things on her mind. (Of course, one of those things may be why you're such a lousy lay...)

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Once you line up a date, your first task is to figure out where to take the lady. Some women like the man to plan the whole event, while others are put off by guys who are “too controlling.” The best idea—just like when dealing with a toddler—is to bring a few options and let your date pick the one she likes best. That way, you control the possibilities (and expenses), and she controls the decision; everybody wins.

MACK Tactics: The Science of Seduction Meets the Art of Hostage Negotiation.

The dating options available today are, in a word, endless. There are, of course, some first date possibilities that are better than others. Going out for drinks, for example, is a good first date mainly because it's not as big of a time commitment as dinner, a movie or marriage. Getting a drink or two in your date shows you what she's like at her worst; it lets you see if she's a slutty drunk, a bitchy drunk, or a violent drunk. And that's valuable information when you're first dating someone new.

The Way Of The Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Woman, Work, and Sexual Desire.

Few women will protest the opportunity to quaff free alcohol. Also, the chance at a free meal in a nice restaurant probably won't get rejected, either. Certainly, the nicer the restaurant, the more guilt some women feel about not paying, and the more likely they are to put out. But don't take her to some 5-star restaurant to impress her at first. Take advantage of the fact that early in the relationship, your date is probably trying to impress you, too. (She won't want to seem like a high-maintenance bitch at first, even if she is one. She'll spring that on you later.) Take her to some local, low-priced dive that could be considered “quaint” or “interesting”; tell her you heard the food was really good. Just be sure to avoid fast food restaurants and foods that you have to eat with your hands. That's just not attractive, for anyone.

Zagat America's Top Restaurants: 1,200 top-rated restaurants in 41 major U.S. cities.

Remember, food is sex to women. They obsess about food the way you obsess about sex. They think about it every 45 seconds, if not more. Getting food is a woman's strongest impulse (possibly so she can provide resources for a child. It's primitive, survival-of-the-species stuff.) Don't fight that instinct; go with it. So what if women like to eat. (As a guy, you're never disappointed by getting sex, right?) Well, women are never disappointed about getting taken out to eat. If you want to impress a woman, you don't have to reinvent the wheel. Who do you think keeps those pricey restaurants in business? Regular guys? Hell no—regular guys will eat a half-eaten chili-dog out of a dumpster. No, high-priced restaurants are kept in business by smart guys who know how to get a woman to put out.

America's Best Hotels & Restaurants: The Four- & Five-Star Winners.

Dumb guys, on the other hand, think going to the movies will get women to sleep with them. But, you know where morons get that idea? Exactly, from the fucking movies. (Think the studios have anything to gain from promoting that idea?) Honestly, movies generally suck as a first date. Why? First, you have the problem of deciding which of the 108 shitty movies playing at your local MegaPlex to see. If you pick an Action Flick, she's not gonna be happy. But, if you pick a Period Drama, your loud snoring is not going to make others happy.

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So, you'll probably pick a safe, compromise movie, like a romantic comedy, tailor made to reinforce her already unrealistic expectations of men. During the critical time when you need to impress your date, you're letting her watch an actor who is everything you're not: Good-looking, sweet, charming and rich. By going to the movies, all you're doing is setting up a compare-and-contrast situation (which you are not going to win), decreasing your chances to nail her. Second, movies are antisocial. For 90 minutes, give or take, you're in the proximity of your date, but you're not actually talking to her, or getting to know her. She might as well be a total stranger sitting there—a total stranger who's getting to see an expensive movie and eat expensive snacks for free. The only real plus side is that you might get a chance to put your arm around her and/or feel up her boob (only you can judge if that's worth the price of a jumbo buttered popcorn).

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Another popular date possibility is taking her dancing. If you're considering it, reconsider. Most women believe how well a man dances tells them how good he is in bed. It doesn't actually, but you run the risk of killing your chances to screw her before you even get your clothes off (or she sees how hairy your back is). If you really want to go dancing, wait until your wedding reception. When it's too late for her to escape.

Saw (DVD) More food for thought than most contemporary horror.

As another option, you could always get super-creative and take her on a hayride, a hot air balloon ride or to any number of “wacky” events and places. But you probably shouldn't. Your odds of “wowing” her are slim, but your odds of “creeping her out” are excellent. That stuff works in movies because the women are “acting” impressed; in real life, that stuff makes you look slightly less lame than showing up in a suit of armor astride a white steed. Grand gestures are for later on in a relationship, when you both know each other. Or when you've fucked up so bad, only spending insane amounts of money will prove to her that you didn't know her diamond engagement ring was Cubic Zirconium.

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Probably the best date is an amusement park (Six Flags, kindly make our bribe check out to “Cash”). Why? There's a correlation between fear and excitement. The two produce similar chemical changes in the human body. As such, the two can easily be confused for each other. To encourage these feelings of pseudo-arousal in your date, take her to do something semi-dangerous like a scary amusement park ride or horror flick (avoid gross-out flicks, as disgust doesn't have the same effect). But be sure she's cool with the idea first. Otherwise, the idea could easily backfire all over you, especially if she's just had a big meal.

Whatever you choose, don't go nuts because you're excited and insecure. Pace yourself, and your spending. After all, you want her to like you, not your wallet.

Nice Guys And Players: Becoming the Man Women Want.

To become a confident guy that women want to date—or at least consider dating—you need to do something to make yourself noteworthy. Something to make people think Hey-who's-that-new-guy? (Not Hey-who's-that-new-guy- pointing-a-shotgun-at-us? It's a subtle, but an important difference.)

The Art of Seduction: A handbook on the most subtle and effective form of power.

Like beer, soda or unpopular wars, you need to market yourself. Whether you know it or not, you already have an image; it's just probably a bad one.

Chances are, it's the result of letting TV make you feel bad about who you are. Again, it goes back to measuring your self-worth against an impossible standard of perfection no human could live up to without a team of stylists, art directors and lighting crews. So don't bother.

Since you can't compete playing by the rules, you have to change the game. You need to overhaul the perception people currently have of you.

The key to making yourself different from the mainstream, popular guys—read lucky assholes who got dealt life's version of a Royal Flush, i.e. parents rich enough to buy them sports cars, European vacations and elective, cosmetic surgery—is choosing the right "alternative" persona.

The Layguide: How to Seduce Beautiful Women No Matter What You Look Like.

First, decide how you want women to perceive you. Are you the dark, brooding type? The Goth freak? The 24/7 party animal? The silent, mysterious loner? Whatever you think you can pull off.

Just don't pick a persona without knowing the risks inherent in it, or you'll find out what they are the hard way. If you play the Goth card, don't be surprised when a “normal” girl's father greets you at the door with the business end of a revolver.

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Once you decide on an image—one you're reasonably sure you can pull off—play it up. Dress the part. Live the life fearlessly. If you care what others think, you'll let their opinion of you destroy your efforts to be who you want.

Women will buy whatever you sell them. The problem guys run into is thinking “I'm not really this person, I'm just acting.” You have to live the lie. Otherwise, you really are just a poseur. You must truly believe your own line of shit. If you don't, no one else will either.

Selling an image isn't easy to do. And it will probably result in a lot of social abuse at first, but for every girl you turn off, you increase the odds of turning other girls on. Ideally, not just the fat ones (although you do have to start somewhere).

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

Once you've mastered The Sex Trick^®, you may be getting so much tail that ordinary missionary-style sex could get boring (dare to dream). There's already a whole other book called the Kama Sutra written to explain all the physically possible positions two human bodies can assume while having sex, so we won't go into that here. Instead let's look at some of the more creative, fringe opportunities.

Different Loving: A Complete Exploration of the World of Sexual Dominance and Submission

Sadomasochism

People used to call it S&M. Now it's just SM. The initials stand for Sadism and Masochism, or Sadomasochism. The former, sadist—referring to someone who gets off causing other people pain (your ex, for instance). And the latter, masochist—referring to someone who gets off receiving pain (like your Dad). There are whole communities out there dedicated to mental and physical abuse; for non-Catholics, there are SM clubs.

Do SMers sound like a bunch of nut balls? Well, get off your high-horse there, Mister Kettle. You wouldn't be reading this if you weren't sex-obsessed like everyone else. (Even if you just “wandered innocently” to these words, you're STILL reading about it, and voyeurism counts as deviant behavior too, Peeping Thomas.) Everybody has their own sick and/or twisted way of making it through the lonely nights. And, who knows, maybe SMers are on to something here. And maybe that something they're on is drugs.

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism

Let's talk morphine. It's a painkiller hospitals give to patients who don't want to feel, well, anything. It's very popular. So popular, in fact, that people become addicted to the stuff. And lives get ruined because of it, such as [insert celebrity name here]. Morphine is powerful shit. Naturally, the government won't let you buy it over the counter at your local drugstore. But, what if you could concoct a drug a lot like morphine? Legally. That'd be worth a look-see, wouldn't it? Damn straight, it would.

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It's called “endorphins”. Your body's own home brewed painkillers. And when you're good and horned-up, endorphins speed through your body like a Tasmanian devil on Crystal Meth making you feel euphoric and nigh impervious to pain. The effect is similar to what's called, “Runner's High.” (Endorphins are why you can do crazy sex gymnastics in the bedroom, fuck for hours and never feel bad until the next day when they wear off and you're sore in muscles you never even knew you had). Taken to extremes, endorphins let SMers do all that weird sex shit you see in magazines like hanging from hooks impaled in their back. You know, freak show stuff.

Taboo: Forbidden Fantasies for Couples

It's not that the pain doesn't hurt; it's just that the pain doesn't hurt as BADLY as it seems. Pain in the context of a sexually charged situation is VASTLY different from pain in a normal everyday situation. SMers don't get excited if they stub their toe, or you punch them in the head. (You have to chain them to a big wooden cross first.)

Fetish: Dominatrixes, bondage heroines, damsels in distress

An off-shoot of SM is Bondage and Dominance. (Sometimes they're both combined into one acronym “BDSM”). BD differs from SM in that it's less about the physical pain itself and more about the mental aspect of power exchange. BD is about control and responsibility, or the lack thereof. Giving up of control heightens the sexual experience by making the “victim,” or submissive, feel helpless and out of control, and/or by making the Dominant feel totally in control. BDSM fans create an environment of 'controlled terror', and possibly pain, to crank up the production of endorphins making getting spanked or whipped a pleasurable rush; an intense high. All without controlled substances of any kind.

BSDM may seem weird, but you've gotta admit; the act of “normal” sex is pretty fucking weird by itself. Seriously, what difference does getting tied up and spanked really make when you're already playing Stick Your Penis In Her Vagina? Let's keep perspective here, people.