LISTEN LIKE A GUY

The Lost Art of Listening How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships

While relieving yourself sexually removes most of the incentive to go on a date in the first place, you have to take the long view when it comes to getting some. You're trying to line up pussy for the future, like a squirrel gathering nuts for the winter, not just this weekend. And that means doing everything you can to encourage women to like you. One of the simplest methods is also one of the hardest. It's called listening. We said, LISTENING!

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On its face, listening doesn't seem that hard to do; it requires almost no physical effort on your part outside of a few facial expressions. Still, it's the one thing at which all men notoriously suck. If there were a listening competition, it'd get canceled from a lack of participation. Simply put, men hate listening. To their parents, their friends, the Police; generally everyone. Listening involves absorbing and/or retaining two types of information: Stuff they already know and stuff they don't already know. In either case, men aren't the least bit interested. Men don't like to be told things (they like to tell other people things). For men the sole purpose of talking is to tell a friend how to make their car better, criticize a sport highlight or lie about something cool they never actually did.

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Women, on the other hand, talk for entirely different reasons than men—if they don't they'll die. That's why they gossip so much. As hard as this is to believe, women actually care about what's happening in other people's lives. They form bonds with each other by talking; usually trashing any other girlfriends who aren't present at the moment.

In a recent study, women were reported rattling off an average of 6,000 words a day, while men only uttered a mere 2,000 (most of them swear words). Clearly, men speak only when they have to. When they are spoken to, or when the house is on fire. Whereas women speak whenever there is a moment of silence, regardless of the score or what inning it is. So what do women want that's so important it can't wait four more minutes? Your attention. And to prove to themselves that they are as important, or more important than the game you're trying so hard to watch during your date. Sure, it's a blatant, manipulative power-play—luckily for you, women don't need you to actually listen as much as they need you to sit there and act like you're listening (like the way you don't need women to actually like sex as much as you need them to pretend they like sex). With you around, women don't appear as crazy as if they were talking to themselves.

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The one thing you mustn't do is try to solve a woman's problem (not that you could). They aren't looking for a solution to whatever they're yapping about; they just want to yap. That's it, just yap. No resolution to the topic. No “going-forward” plans. They're like a dieseling car; women just have to sputter out on their own. The only thing they want from you is to sit there and witness the conversation. There's no use fighting it; women are going to talk no matter what you say or do. Don't try to stop it. Instead, use their desperate need to dialogue to your advantage. Ask them questions. Then sit back with an interested look on your face (you know, kind of a scowl, but not too mad-looking). When they pause, say something empathetic like, “Wow, that's rough.” Or, if it sounds like she's trashing a coworker, offer “That bitch.” As former Detroit Lions coach, Monte Clark, once said about football, “The key to this whole business is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.” (And Monte probably never had any trouble getting chicks.)

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Still, you can't just pretend to listen for the entire date. Eventually, she will ask you a question and expect you to speak. The best way to avoid saying something stupid to a woman is by saying as little as possible. As we said, women love to yap—and we mean all women—so just get 'em started by asking one of those “essay” questions we told you about earlier. Then sit back and use your peripheral vision to stare at her boobs the entire time.

Of course, as a crazy fallback Plan-B, you could genuinely listen to her. Many women are funny, smart and interesting. By listening to what your date has to say, you might find out if you like her and save yourself the expense of a second date—it's your choice.

While listening is a great way to get a chick to like you, never get so chummy that she thinks of you as a friend. You have enough friends. You're after a girlfriend. There's a big difference. (For starters, you can have sex with girlfriends.) Make sure she always sees you as a man first, and a friend second. As a guy, your job is to listen like a guy—grudgingly.