WHAT YOU'RE DOING WRONG IN BED

Nina Hartley's Making Love to Women A how-to video for you non-readers.

If you're like most men, you want to fuck badly, in the worst possible way. And that, in a nutshell, is the way most men fuck. Men are so intent on getting their own rocks off that they cheat their partner out of theirs (and themselves out of repeat sex).

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Understandably, being near a naked woman makes a man's brain focus intently on one thing: Mounting her like a wildebeest and humping her brains out (okay, that's two). In that rare situation, some urgency is understandable, as you have only a few minutes to do The Deed before she wises up and puts her clothes back on.

However, it's in your best interest to slow it down and focus on her at first. She needs to get something out of having sex to make it worth her risking disease and/or pregnancy. She's got a lot riding on riding you, so she has a right to expect you to hang in there, right? Too bad, most young guys lack the self-control necessary to do the job.

Maybe you're just with the wrong type of girl.

Despite what a lot of men think, many women can—and often do—have orgasms. It's just that, compared to men's orgasms, a woman's isn't as easily come by (did you get it this time?).

Female orgasms rarely happen in response to any specific type of physical stimulation (such as rubbing the living shit out of it). They rely equally on psychological stimulation, too. If their brains aren't into it, then an orgasm ain't on tonight's menu. Like men, women have orgasms when they're excited. Unlike men, it takes more than saying, “I'm horny!” to excite them.

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Regrettably, most women lack a man's sexual focus—the ability to stay on course towards the big “O” without getting distracted by little things like her husband coming home early. Or a tornado taking the roof off. Men can fuck anytime/anywhere, whereas women are more particular. Naturally, Hollywood would have you believe that the “perfect moment” for sex can occur anywhere as long as you both are truly attractive and love each other but, in reality, a woman's orgasm is way more complicated than that.

For a woman to have an orgasm, the following MUST first occur:

• 1.) She must like you.
• 2.) She must want to get fucked.
• 3.) She must want to get fucked by you.
• 4.) She must be thinking about getting fucked by you.
• 5.) She must not be thinking about ANYTHING else.
• 6.) She must not feel fat.
• 7.) She must not have called her mother in the last week.
• 8.) The house must be spotlessly clean.
• 9.) The planets must be aligned in an order that only occurs once every millennium.
• 10.) You must not say or do anything “wrong” in the process.

Hell, if women were wired more like men, their entire vaginas would be lined with a bazillion feel-good nerves. Instead, mainly the clitoris is. (The rest of the female sexual anatomy is there mostly for reproductive purposes and expelling ping pong balls on stage at Thai sex shows. Sure, women feel sensations throughout their nether regions, but the clit is Orgasm Central. And that's where the trickiness begins.

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If you treat her clit the way you treat your dick—say, by abusing the shit out of it—she's going to cut off your penis, get dressed and go home to her vibrator. Why? The penis and clit don't work the same way. Her clitoris is more concentrated and, therefore, more sensitive than your dick. (Figuring guys weren't smart enough to figure out the female sexual anatomy, Nature hid it where men would have a hard time finding and overstimulating it. That way, women could get off through incidental contact while fucking. Just a theory...)

In a misguided attempt to make a woman come, some guys will hold off and pound away hours longer than they should in the belief that staying power equals good sex. It doesn't. But, just because men stop at nothing to orgasm, doesn't mean women view sex the same way. Sometimes a woman just doesn't feel like coming (!!!). Often, women just want sex to be over, and the fastest way to get rid of you is by pretending to orgasm.

Why would a woman fake an orgasm? There are any number of reasons. The most obvious answer is that you're sweaty, disgusting and smell bad. Or maybe she wants to get some sleep. Or, you're boring in bed. Or, she's got other things to do. Or, she wants you to like her. Or, your dick doesn't vibrate at 10,000-rpm's.

Satisfaction : The Art of the Female Orgasm by Sex And The City's Kim Cattrall.

When a woman is excited, really excited, her voice goes up about six fucking octaves—high enough that neighborhood dogs come running. If you've ever seen two old girlfriends meet on the street, you've seen real female excitement. That annoying shriek they inevitably let loose is true excitement. Not the kind of breathy, moaning noises you hear coming from porn stars (or from your mom when you were a kid and your parent's bedroom door was locked). That's just acting.

As hard as it is for guys to understand, there are times when women really just aren't into sex. And at times when your sex drive and hers don't mesh (aka, ALL the time), a woman has three choices: First, she can fake a headache or give you the cold shoulder (virtually guaranteeing that you'll seethe with rage and fuck around on her as revenge.) Second, there's the “Tomorrow night, honey” deferral method which is a popular way to reject your advances by appealing to the last shred of human compassion left in a man crazy with a raging hard-on.

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The third option—and best choice if you ask most men—is for her to just lie there. Sometimes, the most appealing option for a woman is to just let you screw her even though she knows she's not gonna cum. Crazy? No, just practical. She knows it will take for-fucking-ever to get in the mood, so instead she gives you a little “Oh! Oh! Oh!” and the occasional “God, yes!” You'll shoot your load in under 3 minutes, fall asleep and she'll get the remote all to herself. It's a textbook win-win scenario. (Not that you really care, but you can tell whether she's faking it easily: If she's on top she's probably not faking it. If she's on the bottom and checking her nail manicure, she's probably faking.)

So don't sweat it if you aren't making your woman orgasm every time, it may just be that she has other things on her mind. (Of course, one of those things may be why you're such a lousy lay...)

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