HOW TO BREAK UP WITH A CHICK

Uncoupling : You've got a 40% chance of needing this book someday soon.

Let's be honest, willing vaginas are hard to come by. And we realize that if you have access to one, it's hard to throw that away. But, if it isn't the right vagina, you owe it to that vagina to pull out, put on your pants, go home and change your phone number. Stop beating it already. That horse is dead. Over. Finito. Cut her loose. Now. You're not doing her any favors. She'll thank you. Not at first—at first, she'll call you a fucking bastard—but eventually, she'll thank you.

Rebuilding: When your Relationship Ends A handbook for the divorcing and divorced that is authentic.

So how do you tell a woman who lets you borrow her body (when she's drunk and thinks you're someone else) to hit the highway? It's tough, we won't lie. But, you have to do it. And you have to do it well, or she'll be keying your car and slashing your tires before you can say, “I think we should see other people...”

The Game of Life and How to Play It Life is not a battle but a game.

First, come to grips with the fact that there's a good chance you will hurt her feelings. THIS CANNOT BE AVOIDED. DO NOT TRY. Be a man, and just break it to her. Then duck. No, but seriously, be direct, and show a little sack. Do it nicely and don't drag it out.

Whatever you do, be honest. Lying to protect her feelings doesn't really close the book on your relationship and it just sets you up for the kind of future misunderstandings and madcap hijinks down the road you always see on bad TV sitcoms. All you have to tell her is that the two of you are not the right match and that you don't want to waste her time, since you won't be able to love her as much as she deserves.

How to Break Your Addiction to a PersonStaying in a bad relationship can be dangerous to your sex life.

You need to tell her what's in the breakup for her. Staying with someone who doesn't love you is lame. And a waste of time, considering she has a biological clock running. She won't understand it, but you'll be doing her a favor. Once you've dropped the bomb, stick by your guns. And have an exit line. Here are a few lines to get you going:

• “I just don't think we're a good match.”
• “I'm not getting what I need out of this relationship.”
• “You're a great gal; you're just not right for me.”
• “I'm sleeping with your best friend.”

Once it's done, there may be a lot of attempts to make deals with you. Resist the temptation to take her back. Do not let her apologize, or promise to pay more attention, or to have more sex, or to wear that cheerleader outfit you bought her. If you do, you'll be right back where you started in a year and you'll have to break up with her all again. Plus, you'll have lost a whole year of screwing some girl who actually LOVES wearing the cheerleader outfit. And neither of you will ever get that year of your lives back.

Find NEW girls to fuck who live near you.

After you breakup, never make contact again. Wait until you both have moved on and gotten involved with other people before you try to reestablish contact (if you even want to). She hates you. And your being nice to her isn't gonna make severing the emotional ties any easier. It's gonna make it harder. Be a man and think about how much harder this has been on her than on you. Live with your decisions. You didn't want her before, so you can't have her now.

Don't go back to her for “one-more-for-old-time's-sake.” There is no Ex-fucking. It's selfish and mean. Whoever was more in love (you or her) will have an even harder time dealing with it. It gives hope for a future when there shouldn't be any. Don't do it. You're just reopening old wounds. Don't pick at it. Let the scab heal and fall off on its own.