getting-chicks

No doubt, you've already been trying to get a chick with little success. And, you're probably wondering, "What the fuck is the problem?"

Well, the reasons for your failure are as varied and numerous as the psychoses running amok in the average female's head. Here's a sampler platter:

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If a girl rejects you, one reason could be easy and (we'd think) obvious. Maybe the woman you've picked to one day bear your children simply isn't “on the market.”

She could be married, engaged, dating someone, lesbian, or boil-your-pet-rabbit crazy. So your rejection may have had less to do with your personality or looks, and more to do with your obliviousness to outward signs of a woman's unavailability like wearing a wedding ring, wearing comfortable shoes, kissing another women, or carrying around a pot of boiling water.

(Single women dress differently than taken women. They dress sluttier; lower collars, shorter skirts, and higher heels. "Taken" women just try to dress fashionably; and yes, there's a difference. Problems differentiating the two occur every time "Hooker Chic" comes back into vogue.)

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Another possible reason you're not getting the chick could be that you're a nice guy. Nice guys tell women they're pretty. Nice guys are polite, caring and often empathize with women. Nice guys are, well... nice.

And that's why women don't want to fuck them.

What's the incentive for a woman to date a nice guy? Where's the “I'm so hot, that really cool guy wanted to fuck me” self-satisfaction she can use to show-up her friends? Where are the bragging rights?

The reason women want nothing to do with you could be that you're not offering them a challenge of any kind. What woman couldn't get sex from a nice guy? In fishing, you get a sense of accomplishment after landing a real fighter, because the fish doesn't want to get caught. But how much fun would it be if the fish was trying to jump in the boat? Not damn much.

Being nice is like trying to jump into a woman's boat. It takes all the fun and satisfaction out of catching you.

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Humans, like women, are constantly trying to improve their station in life. Women will rarely move laterally—if she's already got a guy, he's the "incumbent" and has an advantage over guys of a similar "level."

Most women don't leave guys with whom they already have an emotional bond. They generally won't go after someone else simply for the sake of new or different (unlike men). Some women, it's true, will jump at any new situation, but they're whores and you shouldn't waste your time on them (especially since you can just offer them cash).

To get a girl, you have to offer a woman proof that you're a tangible upgrade. So you need to bring something better to the party than a bottle of E and a six-pack of ribbed condoms.

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You probably think you have a good idea of what women find attractive in a man. But, you have to consider where you got that idea: from TV shows and TV commercials.

Any idea you get from television is probably bullshit since networks and corporations just want to sell you shit: soap, shampoo, deodorant, cologne, whatever.

They play on your insecurities by portraying women as incapable of liking men who aren't male models or professional body-builders, which is patently untrue. Especially since "male model" is almost an oxymoron. Women simply don't respond to photographic images sexually like men do (unless it's photos of food). So don't obsess over not looking like one—it doesn't ultimately matter to women.

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Yet another source of misinformation is female friends. Asking one woman the best way to nail another woman is pointless because all women are different.

Yet guys often ask their female "friends" for help. Friends who are, by definition, "women who don't want to sleep with them." At best, this friend could tell you how she thinks you could impress a woman who doesn't want to sleep with you. But that's not really helpful information, is it?

Even though she's female, your friend doesn't know what goes on in the head of other women anymore than you do. Even when women know what they think they want, it's not always what they really want.

So don't listen to what women say, just go with your gut. (For fun, take your friend's advice, and then watch as another guy—who behaves exactly the opposite—walks off with your woman. It's called “irony.”)

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The good news about having to choose from a pool of 300 women is that it's 299 more than you need (unless you're Mormon, Muslim or just begging for an extra heaping of crazy in your life). The bad news is that pool of 300 probably consists of only slightly different shades of the same kind of woman.

They may look different—with different eye colors, body shapes or amount of lip hair—but they'll all have the same attitudes, beliefs and Black Lung disease because they were taught to think the same way you do and work at the same local coal mine that you do.

But if you don't think like the girls you grew up with, or don't like girls with Black Lung disease, the best way to find the kind of girl you do like is to get the fuck outta your shit-hole town.

Staying in your hometown limits you, not just in the number of girls you meet, but also in the types of girls you meet. True, you could stay right where you are and still find the girl you want. But if you're looking for a chick with a brain in, say, Texas, you're gonna have to do some serious digging before you find that needle in a haystack.

"Okay, so where should I go?" I can hear you asking. (Get the hell out of my head!)

Luckily for you, the type of girl you want can help dictate where to look for her. Geography makes a big difference in a woman's temperament, personality, and even her physical characteristics.

For example, girls from the North tend to be heavier because they put on extra layers of fat to combat the cooler temperatures much like a Grizzly bear. They also tend to be less active, which helps their weight problem about as much as the thick sweaters they wear to disguise it.

Now not all Northern women are heavy, but there's definitely a smaller supply of slim girls where it's cold (most probably freeze to death).

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And as any Economics professor can tell you, when the supply of something goes down, demand goes up. It's simple market forces—when something is scarce, it's worth more. So people have to pay more for it. This universal rule applies equally to, among others, concert tickets, recreational drugs, and hot women.

Having a limited number of hot women in an area increases the demand for them. So if you live in the North, you have more competition from tons of horny guys for the few slim females. As a result, those hot girls can afford to tell you to "fuck off" without the fear of being left dateless.

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Conversely, when the supply of hot women goes up, the demand goes down—along with the bitchiness. Which is why warm weather girls tend to be nicer. They can't get too cocky because there's another hot girl right around the corner, and they know it. Plus, warmer climates require single women to wear less clothing (i.e. “bikinis”), putting them under a lot of pressure to stay slim if they want to compete. With a higher ratio of babes to guys, there's less male competition for each girl, increasing your chances of bagging a really hot one.

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In addition to a woman's Body Mass Index(BMI), Geography affects a lot of other feminine traits. Frankly, you can find pretty much any type of woman you want just using a fucking map:

• Like blondes? Try sunny states like California, Florida (or Swedish colonies like Minnesota).
• Fake tits? Try warm weather cities in the Southeast and Southwest. (Specifically, Los Angeles and Fort Lauderdale).
• Old-fashioned virgins? Try the Deep South, like Georgia or Alabama (those bitches are trapped in a time-vacuum.)
• Brains? Try big cities like Boston, SF or NYC. Lots of smart, savvy ladies in those towns (unless you're near a mall)
• Fashionistas? Definitely NYC, LA and Miami.
• Big hair? Dallas. And any of the Plains states.
• Active? Try states along the Rockies, and NorCal.

You get the picture. If you don't like the kind of chicks your town has to offer, you have to look somewhere else. With a little research, you can increase your chances of getting the kind of girl you want. After all, what's the point of dropping your line in a trout pond if you wanna catch salmon?

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Other questionable dating options include announcing your nightly availability with a billboard on a busy highway.

To be fair, some women find desperation in a man to be an aphrodisiac. And nobody reeks of that more than the guy who puts up a billboard advertising his perpetual single-hood. It practically screams, “I've been rejected by every woman in this area code, so I'm hoping some woman driving through town will stop and pity-fuck me.”

Undoubtedly, some women will—circling the guy like a shark circles a struggling toddler with a paper-cut. Of course, these are the same women who marry prison inmates, too. So you may want to really exhaust your other dating options first.

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For instance, you might consider "speed dating" outfits like HurryDate. Speed dating is a great idea for people who are outgoing, attractive, personable and judgmental.

Here's how it works:

You show up at a prearranged time where several other outgoing, attractive, personable and judgmental singles are waiting to assess your worthiness as a life-companion in slightly more time than it takes to microwave a frozen Meal-For-One.

If you can 'suss out someone in 7 minutes based solely on looks, a handshake and the words “Hello, my name is Buffy,” then speed dating is the way to go. If, however, you're slower to warm up to strangers, awkward, shy, sensitive or, in any other way human, you might want to try a less shallow approach.

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Lunch dating offers a somewhat better approach to meeting new people than Speed Dating. It matches you up with potential mates over a casual lunch in a public place, figuring most guys can put up with even the biggest bitch for 60-minutes.

Plus, you get to eat so you have something to do during those uncomfortable silences and long awkward moments (of which there will be many). Still, it's not a bad way to meet women. Worse-case, it's funny to watch women try to "pretend" they're happy eating a salad while you're downing a half-pound meat-burger.

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Still, Lunch Dating requires some social skills and if you don't have any, or you're not into rejection at all, Video Dating might be more your thing.

It lets women see you up-close and awkward before you ever meet them; the advantage of which is not getting rejected to your face (no small favor, that). And Video Dating gives you a bit more time to get your winning personality across. But remember, this is video—don't neglect your outward appearance. Bad posture, facial ticks or ugly clothing choices are instantaneous deal killers.

Still, guys who don't look like male models may be better off using other methods, like personal ads, first. That way, women can get to know your personality before you show up with flowers and a face that would freak out the Elephant Man.

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If personal ads are so great, you may be asking, why haven't they worked for more people?

Quite simply, people are morons. When most people write a personal ad, they try to attract the most responses—in other words, the exact wrong way.

Remember, the purpose of a personal ad is not just to find someone to date, it's to find someone with common interests, and to avoid wasting your time with people you don't share interests.

You don't want quantity, you want quality.

The first mistake people make is not being specific. An ad that's too general results in generic messages that appeal to everyone indiscriminately—the exact problem you are trying to avoid. You have to eliminate vagueness, and with it, misinterpretation.

For example, writing that you love good movies, doesn't exclude anyone. Who doesn't love good movies? Plus, your idea of a “good” movie is probably different than someone else's. Some people think a good movie is any porno starring two blonde dwarfs and a mime.

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To keep the ad targeted, write “I love independent movies,” or “I love splatter-flicks.” Then maybe list a few examples.

Same goes with sense of humor. Who isn't looking for someone with a sense of humor? Give women an idea of what you think is funny. There's a big difference between Tim Allen-funny and Jackass-funny.

Tell the reader specifically what you mean, or else you're gonna end up wasting money on girls who don't have any more in common with you than the ability to read.

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Another mistake people make is limiting the number of words they use in a misguided attempt to be brief:

Don't be.

Say exactly what you want to say in as many words as it takes to say it. And don't use confusing abbreviations to condense the ad so much it doesn't make sense to anyone. Spell it out. It's worth the extra time and cost to make sure your ad isn't misinterpreted.

The hardest part of writing a good personal ad is being brutally honest with yourself about what traits and interests are truly important to you. (Is it really a deal-killer if the girl of your dreams likes Country music?)

Divide your list into Must-have traits and Like-to-have traits, based on what you can and can't live with. If "devote Christian" is a deal-killer, put it in the ad. If it's not, leave it off. You don't want to eliminate girls over Like-to-have traits.

But overall, you're better off excluding a lot of 'possibles' for the sake of attracting only 'definites'.

You may not get as many responses, but the ones you do get will be worth blowing your paychecks on.