PERSONAL ADS - WHAT QUESTIONS TO ASK

As we said, a good personal ad is a specific ad. So ask yourself the following questions, and incorporate the answers into your ad.

Sure, if you touch on all of these topics you'll seem picky, but that's the whole idea. Do you want to waste your and money on women who aren't what you're looking for? (If you do, you might as well hit the bars.)

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AGE RANGE

• What age range of women are you comfortable being caught pant-less with? And don't just think in absolute terms like 18-35. What age range historically have you been better with? Barely legals, or MILFs?

MARITAL STATUS

• How much baggage do you want to deal with? Do you want someone who's single, divorced or never-married? Singles and never-marrieds often have naive, idealistic views of relationships, while divorced women are often more realistic and have sex sooner, but come with “Ex” baggage (namely, kids).

OCCUPATION

• Want a corporate CEO, a scheming gold-digger, or a former adult film star? Are you looking for a go with the flow stay-at-home-Mom type, or a claw over your fresh corpse to get to the top bitch? Think down the road to your 20th high-school reunion—will you care then what your significant other does? Or who she did?






RELIGION

• Pick one, none, or don't you think it matters? Well, it does. Religion can make your life hell (assuming you believe in hell).

EDUCATION

• A girl with her GED, High School, College, MBA, or don't brains matter? Sure it's only a piece of paper, but do you want all future conversations limited to what's on TV that night?

ATHLETIC ACTIVITY.

• Very athletic, somewhat athletic, or total couch potato? The last thing you wanna do is hook up with one of those perky 'morning person' who runs marathons if you're a crack-smoking 'night person' who only runs when the cops are chasing after you.






SMOKING/DRINKING/DRUGS

• Yes/No/Occasional? Lots of relationship problems begin here. But on the plus side, smoking shows an oral fixation and weakness of character that you can exploit for your own sexual benefit. A girl with a drinking problem will say things she doesn't mean, such as “I do.” And drugs can mask even deeper problems in a girl, like a lengthy police record.

POLITICAL LEANING

• Are you looking for someone leaning Liberal or Conservative? You can avoid a lot of screaming matches every fourth November by asking upfront.

ASTROLOGY

• What sign are you compatible with generally? Don't know? Find out soon, it could save you both a lot of headaches (or faking them, anyway). At least tell others what your sign is. (see also “Zodiac: It only sounds like an anti-depressant”).






PROXIMITY

• Long distance relationships are notoriously a bitch, but not impossible if you don't mind to traveling (or if you have a wife you're not telling your girlfriend about).

KIDS

• Breeder or Childfree By Choice? Children are often a deal-maker or breaker in new relationships, so no matter how you really feel about them, be sure to lie and say you want them. You can always give them up for adoption.

INTERESTS

• Do you like Opera? Or Bowling? You need to let women know whether you are a pretentious prick or a white trash redneck.

SENSE OF HUMOR

• What specifically do you find funny? Even if it's just fart jokes. Give girls a good idea of what you consider funny: like Jon Stewart. Or if you don't like humor: Sinbad.

MUSICAL TASTES

• List specific bands or recording artists to show what type of music you like. Or, if you like Polka, just put down “I hate music.”

STRANGE INTERESTS

• Also, list any unusual interests you have that someone might need to know about you. (And not just the FBI.) Interests you'd like a woman to share. Just be specific so you don't waste time with shallow, meaningless relationships that just end in sex. After all, what's the point of that? (Waitaminute...)