getting-dumped

What Type Am I? The Myers-Brigg Type Indication Made Easy

Most likely, the reason for your failure with the fairer sex is that you like the wrong kind of woman—for you, anyways. And that just sets you up for serious disappointment and painful hand blisters.

No, the best way to minimize your public humiliation is to learn why you like the women you do. To understand why you always go for the slutty psycho-bitches. The whiny whack-jobs. And the emotional ticking time-bombs.

Probably, it's because you're a fuck-head.

But, not just a fuck-head. You see, there's a good reason for your pathetic, moth-like attraction to bitches who will ultimately decimate you—you can't really help it.

I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just Not You The Sixteen Personality Types

The female traits you find most appealing are ultimately out of your control. You're hard-wired (and we do mean, hard) to like certain traits over others. Traits that indicate healthy breeding partners, for example.

Physical symmetry is a common criterion for what constitutes “beautiful” to guys. Most guys tend to like chicks whose face and body are the same on both sides. Supermodels have near-ideal symmetry (go ahead and check, we'll wait). It means a girl either isn't genetically fucked up, or knows a good cosmetic surgeon. But symmetry isn't something you consciously notice about a girl, it's something your subconscious perceives. Asymmetry, on the other hand, stands out like her hideously oversized left ear.

Step-by-step changes you can make to quickly improve your odds of nailing chicks. It's The Mystery Method and it will change your sex life.

Man's subconscious scrutiny of women isn't restricted to the face, however. Guys also tend to notice a woman's body. And, whether they realize it or not, guys go after chicks with the classic hip-to-waist ratio of 0.7. (You can calculate this by taking a girl's waist measurement and dividing it by her hip measurement. Just don't do it on a first date.) Women who have this “hourglass” ratio—regardless of their total weight—are seen as reproductively healthy or, in other words, extremely doable.

Lovetypes: Discover Your Romantic Style

Another attraction reality you can't control is that you're a mamma's boy. Don't try to deny it, you pansy. Studies indicate that what guys really find attractive in a mate is, shocker... themselves. And since women who look like men aren't that hot, men go for the next best thing: women who look like their mothers.

Relax, don't get all Oedipal on us here. The reason you find your Mom sexy isn't as creepy as it sounds—it's because your Mom looks like you, you egotistical bastard. And you thought you loved her for "always being there for you." Dream on, sicko.

But by the time you're of dating age, your sexual preferences in girls have already been set. And formative childhood experiences are nearly impossible to overcome, so it's kind of pointless to try to like something you don't (at least physically). Face it, you like what you like. If you have a fetish for small breasts, large feet or pale skin, knock yourself out.

Just don't let that stop you from dating women who don't exactly match the deviant images burned into your twisted brain, freak-boy. Shoot for the moon, but stay open-minded to other types, too, even if they don't have the extra thick body-hair or webbed feet that turns your crank.

You could be missing out on something even better than silver dollar-sized aureolas.

Don't Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing With Rejection.

Now, before you channel your hurt feelings into a blind rage and head for a clock tower with a sniper rifle, take a breath and count to ten. It's easy to take getting dumped personally—after all, it did happen to you—but, not everything is all about you, Mr. Egocentric. In this case, everything was all about her.

She broke up with you because she just didn't want to settle for a relationship that was less than perfect. Can't really fault her for that, after all, that's what you should be searching for, too. It's better to find out sooner rather than later.

But before you take her judgment of you to heart, first consider the source. In this case, the criticism is coming from someone who doesn't like you, so it's like asking a cat its opinion of a dog—“he's loud, messy and shits everywhere”—why even bother?

The Game of Life and How to Play It Life is not a battle but a game.

The irony is that, by trashing you, she's really just admitting that she's a shitty judge of character who's easily fooled by “ass-faced losers,” (or whatever she's been calling you behind your back). And that doesn't make her look too bright.

Find girls to fuck who live near you.

Just don't think that because the girl you love thinks you're a loser it necessarily makes you one; it doesn't (playing Dungeons & Dragons past the age of fifteen, however, does). Remember, if you really were a loser, she wouldn't have gone out with you in the first place.

Still, when a chick shits on you (assuming you didn't pay for the privilege, see Different Kinds Of Sex), she's not rejecting you personally. She's not saying, “You suck as a human being.” She's simply rejecting the “fit” you two had together; the rapport between you; the mutual simpatico that she thought existed with you, when it really didn't.

She's admitting that she was wrong when she said she loved you. In a nutshell, she changed her fucking mind. Women get to do that (see How Women Fall In Love). And yeah, it's total bullshit.

But being mad because you miss your Ex is like crying over missing an airplane headed somewhere you didn't even want to go. You wouldn't get mad at the pilot, would you? Of course not. That would make you bat-shit crazy. Well, this is kinda the same idea.

Hollywood hits and “mature” movies (wink, wink), mailed discreetly

Essentially, you just got on the wrong airplane. It's an easy mistake. Happens all the time. Anyone could do it. Does that make you a bad passenger? Not at all. Getting drunk and calling the flight attendant a “goddamn flying prostitute” does (don't ask us how we know).

Nice Guys And Players: Becoming the Man Women Want.

Dwelling on the breakup won't help. Take your dumping like a man, suck it up and move on. Wallowing in self-pity—while loads of fun—isn't gonna do you any good ultimately. So don't get too consumed with your misery for two reasons: One, no one else wants to hear it (they've got their own damn problems); and Two, it's a giant waste of your time. Ask anyone who's been dumped what they regret most, and they'll say “All the time I wasted caring about that goddamn fucking whore!” (or words to that effect).

Sure, getting tossed on the scrap-heap of love by a woman sucks for you. But, the ugly truth is that, while breaking up was a major trauma for you, it was a huge relief for her—like getting a hairy, belching 180lb-weight lifted off her back.

In fact, while you're home writing poetry about how unfair life is, and how you hope she's as miserable as you are, we can guarantee that she sure as hell isn't. In fact, she probably hasn't felt this good since she learned the dark wonders of the shower massage attachment.

Face it, she's glad to be rid of you and doesn't want you back. Ever. Accept the fact that your relationship didn't work out, and don't give her another thought. After all, haven't you already given her enough...?

In order to get over a breakup, you have to keep some perspective. You have to look at your situation from the big picture. Put some distance between you and your predicament. Only then, can you truly realize how creepy and pathetic you look, curled up in a fetal position, crying like a little girl. Damn, have some dignity man! (Aw, we're just fucking with you—go ahead and cry...ya big baby.)

Playboy - Babes of Baywatch

Better now? Okay, where were we? Riiiight...keeping perspective.

It's easy to think that your Ex was perfect (thereby making you imperfect because she doesn't want to be with you). But that's withdrawl-induced logic, not to mention total bullshit.

Make no mistake, your Ex had flaws. HUGE ones, probably. But don't take our word for it, ask your friends. You might not have seen all her numerous annoying qualities, but your friends sure as hell did. They probably even had a funny nickname for her, like “Frigid Cocktease Bitchface” or something. (Be sure to ask.)

The point is, when love crashes and burns, it really makes you question things about life. Things like “What did I do wrong? Will I ever find true love? Why is everyone staring at me? Am I saying all this out loud?” and “Oh, shit. Did someone just call security?” among others. But here's something to always keep in mind.

Your Ex is one of 3 billion female homo-sapiens walking this planet. So even if the love of your life was one in a million, there are still 3,000 women out there exactly like her (and a few probably have bigger tits). Frankly, she isn't all that special. So don't beat yourself up over getting trashed. In time, you'll barely remember her name.

How much time? Glad you asked.

Wanna know why your breakup is so hard to get over? Drugs. It's all about drugs, friend. The reason getting dumped feels as if someone gutted you like a Chilean Sea Bass is that, in effect, you're an addict. Not just figuratively, but literally. And worst of all, you're addicted to her. (Ain't life a bitch?)

Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love.

How the fucking fuck can this be, you ask? According to—oh, let's call them “researchers”—there are three basic stages of love:

In Stage One, prodded by your old buddy Testosterone—the mind-clouding substance almost solely responsible for the survival of the human species as well as full-nudity strip clubs—you go out cruising around town trying to nail anything in a skirt (preferably female). The first stage can last awhile and will most likely involve lots of masturbation.

Once you've found a girl (one who doesn't run away screaming “Rape!” when you touch her), you're at Stage Two. At this point, you get obsessive and focused on having sex with this girl. You might stop eating and sleeping. Yet, amazingly, you won't care. When you're in love, your brain acts all fucked up like a mental patient (the difference being that you're not out pushing a grocery cart around talking to yourself).

Your brain cranks up your body's own internal production of feel-good sauces: Specifically, Dopamine, which gives about the same rush you get from nicotine (and, to a lesser degree, cocaine). Adrenalin gets your heart racing. And Serotonin, which is similar in effect to Morphine and Opium, just without the cash-siphoning, job-losing, end-up-in-jail downside.

Why love isn't tightly regulated by the FDA is beyond us.

How to Break Your Addiction to a PersonMaybe the Surgeon General hasn't determined it yet, but staying in a bad relationship may be dangerous to your health.

Stage Three is when the attachment between two people is solidified. It's when people in love really cement their emotional bond together. It's the stage that you were in but that, judging from the fact that you got dumped, she wasn't. And while you have shit like Oxytocin and Vasopressin zipping through your arteries building a strong emotional bond to her, she has something more like Tequila Shooters (it's not exactly the same thing).

Fortunately for the love-addicted, withdrawal isn't nearly as brutal as it is for the opium-addicted—you probably won't have to whore out your ass on street corners to get a fix. So cheer up, you could be wiping away someone else's semen, instead of just your own tears.