DATING SURVIVAL TACTICS.

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Few dumpees hop right back on the relationship horse without first going through at least a temporary dry spell. So here are some time-honored and tested tactics you can use to make the lonely days, weeks or months less miserable, depressing and suicidal. Especially for your friends and family who have to listen to you constantly whine about the break-up.

Give yourself a hand. Literally.

Even though you may not feel like it now, sooner or later, you're going to get horny again. Really horny. And when you do, you can rest easy knowing there is a solution. It's called masturbation. And men have been doing it since time immemorial. Twenty minutes after Cro-Magnon Man evolved out of the primordial ooze, he no doubt grabbed his wang and started producing his own primordial ooze.

Now, granted, masturbation is no substitution for a warm vagina, but it does have its good points. It's free. It's always within easy reach. It's available 24/7 (except during church). And it avoids the awkward etiquette problems of deciding who sleeps in the wet-spot, or if you should call the next day.

Plus, “tossing one off” is both natural and healthy—it may even help prevent Prostate cancer. Need any more rationalization than that? (Yeah, we didn't think so.) In fact, the only good reason NOT to masturbate is that you have a prize-fight the next morning.

Yet masturbation does more than give you a freakishly strong grip. It releases pent-up sexual tension that can make you crazy enough to do something desperate and/or illegal. Frankly, we'd rather see all the creepy guys on the planet self-abusing themselves day and night than have them swooping down on innocent, unsuspecting Girl Scouts (okay, not actually see...).

Sure, some people believe wanking is a sin against their god. Or that choking the chicken makes you go blind. Or that it shows a lack of self-control. But, these people are simply hypocritical liars.

EVERYONE masturbates; your Dad, your Mom, your siblings, your friends, the guy down at the gas station (what did you THINK he was doing all night long alone in that booth?). The only real question is how often.

One possible “exception that proves the rule” could be Catholic priests. After all, you really don't have to masturbate when you're always cock-deep in hot, young Acolyte-ass, now do you?

Look at it this way: If your god really didn't want you to spank it, He/She/It would've made jerking off hurt. And since it doesn't, masturbation must obviously be okay. Even encouraged. Most likely it's your god's way of making it up to people for having to put up with the opposite sex.

So all of those pompous, self-righteous, sanctimonious, holier-than-thou prudes can take their repressive guilt trips and shove 'em right up their corn-holy orifices (you never know, they might even like that).

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Getting too many calluses?

Still, if spanking the monkey doesn't cut it for you, there's another option: Lowering your standards.

That's right. Go after the girls who aren't being hit on by tons of other guys. Girls who don't have exciting personalities. Or who don't have big tits. This is a storm, Captain Blueballs, and you're looking for any port, regardless of how fat or unattractive that port happens to be. Now is not the time to get picky. Beggars can't be choosers, bucko, and you're on the corner of Horny Avenue and Hard-up Blvd. with a cardboard sign that says, “Anything will help.”

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Fortunately, no girls are happier to help you out than fat and/or unattractive girls. After all, they don't get laid all that often themselves. Why? Because they are fat and/or unattractive (Weren't you just listening? Damn, try to pay attention.)

Fat and/or unattractive women need sex as much as anyone else, maybe even more. So they're not as inclined to hold out for someone better than you, making your chances of getting rejected acceptably low. Just be straight up and ask her nicely if she wants to screw. It'll probably work, because fat and/or unattractive girls are in the same boat you are. The one named, “Desperate.”

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None of this is not to suggest, however, that you mistreat the bitch. Just because you're still mad at one woman doesn't give you the right to fuck over another entirely innocent one. Hurting any girl—either physically or psychologically—doesn't prove you're a man, only that you're an asshole. So don't be an dick about it. Try to remember, she's helping you out, too. Show a little appreciation; the world has enough ungrateful pricks.

Don't want to lower your standards?

What if you don't want to lower your standards? What if years of watching porn have fooled you into thinking that an ugly fuck like you deserves a smoking hot babe?

Well then, it's gonna cost you. A lot. Prostitution isn't called the “World's Oldest Profession” because women can't get enough sex. It's still around because sex pays better than any unskilled job on the planet. So, if you want a halfway decent-looking Pro without STDs, facial scars or a heroin habit, be prepared to pony up the dough.

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Going to a prostitute may be extreme, but nothing takes your mind off getting dumped by one girl like getting laid by a better looking one. And hookers know what to do with the business end of six inches (we're rounding up to be nice).

Sex with one of these “ladies of the evening” is a straight up business transaction. You lie out some cash, and she lays out on the bed. True, you can't really take a hooker home to meet your Mom, but then again, you don't have to buy her expensive gifts or pretend to care about her, either. What could be more fair?

Plus, you don't have to worry about getting rejected. Most hookers will get naked for anyone with an erection and a big wad (of cash, we mean). Sorta sounds like your Ex, doesn't it?