GETTING DUMPED BY A CHICK

Now, we could start by waxing philosophic about how crazy bitches are. Dive right into our theory of how women actually think. Tell you how to date women. Or any number of other related topics.

But, if you're reading a book about relationships, we're assuming you're probably not happy in yours for any number of possible reasons. Maybe it's something small, such as she's not into three-ways. Or maybe the reason is something big, like she is into three-ways, just not with you.

Or even worse, it's because you just got flat-out dumped. And since getting dumped is arguably a bad relationship's most common scenario, we figure it's as good a place to start as any other. (If you haven't been dumped, feel free to skip ahead to Section Two.)

In this first section, you'll learn some of the many and varied reasons you got dumped like a kilo of weed during a high-speed police chase. Some of these reasons will surprise, some will cause you to involuntarily utter, “No fucking way!” But, a few will cause nothing less than a total short-circuit of your brain's synapses, effectively reducing you to a vegetative state for several hours. (We're just getting that out of the way, so don't say we didn't warn you.)

Hollywood hits and “mature” movies (wink, wink), mailed discreetly

You'll also learn why getting dumped was inevitable. Why you shouldn't sweat it (despite how high getting dumped by someone you love ranks on the Human Pain Threshold chart). And, most importantly, you'll learn why your miserable, failed relationship wasn't the huge fucking waste of time and money it appears to be on the surface. So despite how you're feeling right now—and we're guessing it's not exactly "festive"—getting dumped isn't terminal unless you do something really stupid.

Here's why you shouldn't go looking for razor blades just yet.