SHE DUMPED YOU BECAUSE SHE'S A BITCH

Then again, maybe the previous possible explanations are wrong. Maybe she didn't have unrealistic expectations, and did think you were her type. What then, you may ask, could account for your one-way trip back to Bachelorville? Sadly, the list is longer than Ron Jeremy's money-maker.

You're not gonna find a better girl staying at home...

There's the distinct possibility that she was a closet lesbian who just didn't want to disappoint her parents, or admit to herself that she loves pussy as much as you (can you really blame her?). And, while a girl who goes lesbo on you doesn't necessarily mean that you suck in bed, it definitely doesn't look good (you might want to pay extra attention to our chapter on The Sex Trick©).

Yet to salvage at least some value from the relationship, ask her if you can videotape her with her new girlfriend—what have you got to lose? She's not gonna fuck you anymore, anyways—just be sure to post it on the web. Because, if there's anything the Internet needs more of, it's amateur porn.

Assuming she hasn't sworn off cock all together, the reason she dumped you could have involved some unresolved issue from her childhood. The kind of emotional trauma that made her a total raving psycho-bitch incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship with any normal guy (or even one like you).

Yes, thanks to generations of unfit, fucked-up parents procreating the world over, there's an endless supply of full-blown psycho-trim out there masquerading as “normal,” well-adjusted women. In fact, psycho-bitches are more common than you may believe, so if you can't understand what went wrong, maybe it's because you're fucking normal. Unfortunately, by the time these ticking time-bombs hit adolescence, they've learned to hide The Big Crazy pretty well. Often they're savvy enough to know most men avoid women that are ugly AND crazy. So these mental cases work insanely hard on being hot. They're the ones with huge breast implants, wearing tight, low cut dresses for one simple reason: Cleavage draws attention away from facial ticks, twitching and other outward signs of craziness.

The Ultimate Pamela Anderson See the sexiest bitch in the world.

If your Ex sounds like that kind of whack job, you should be thankful the relationship went to shit. You just avoided a life sentence in hell with no chance for parole. You should be thanking her with flowers, and a card that says, “Thanks for ending the relationship. You saved me the trouble of coming up with a plausible alibi for your untimely demise.” Just a thought.