getting-married

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Regardless of how you play it, even the best marriage will eventually disappoint you on some level (even if you marry a female cyborg programmed to give head). Even good marriages are a constant wrestling match between your needs and hers.

Marriage, as an institution (pun intended), isn't bad in and of itself. What makes a marriage suck is bad choices. Someone who has a bad marriage is just a shitty judge of character. It's not an indictment of all marriages. Just bad ones. In the same way you can't “beat” death, you're can't “win” at marriage, either.

Really Get to Know the Girl You're Going to Marry

With any marriage, you are taking a chance. You can never be 100% sure, but do your homework upfront anyway. It's a helluva lot easier to get married than it is to get divorced, so don't make life-altering decisions impulsively. (Still got that tattoo of your first Ex-girlfriend's name on your bicep?)

When you're as sure you as you can be that you've got a keeper, make the decision and live with it. Remember, a so-so marriage to a so-so woman could always be worse. She could really be a man.

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As we said, when you honestly like a girl, you lean into the relationship. You go out of your way to spend time with her. Naturally, if you think she doesn't like you so much, you lean out of it. You start hanging out with your friends, or flirting with other women to get that “I'm still special” feeling back. Women respond to you the same way. The trick is to figure out which way she's leaning.

If you can't tell, look at her actions. Is she doing things to try to move your relationship forward? Does put effort into seeing you? Does she rearrange her plans to see you? Does she blow off previous wedding plans to spend an evening watching Gilligan's Island with you? Women who like you find every excuse they can to spend time with you. Women who are still looking around make every excuse like “I need space,” “Let's take a break” and “Get the fuck away from me, you smothering freak” to name a few. If she doesn't find reasons to see you, or won't, she doesn't really like you. It's as fucking simple as that.

LIKE, LUST OR LOVE? FIND WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.
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Being with the right kind of girl makes you feel the most accepted and liked as a person, ever. Free to be who you are, to say what you feel and not have to worry about them laughing in your face (even when they find out you like Show tunes). If your girl doesn't make you feel that comfortable, then you aren't with the right girl. Period.

If you feel perfectly comfortable with your girl then, when life turns to shit—and eventually, it will—you'll have someone to turn for emotional support other than your parents. Yeah, so, if you've got a good one, fucking keep her.

Love is a great reason to get married, right? Certainly, that's what Hollywood would have you believe at least. But they're in the business of fiction—is Yes really the correct answer? Well, for once, the bastards are right. The fact of the matter is that no amount of money can buy happiness—endless orgies of hot sex, totally, but not self-actualization. And the right chick can theoretically make life fun even without money.

Marrying for money won't make you truly happy. (It'll only seem like it as you're tooling around in her Mercedes S-Class snorting blow off an NFL cheerleader's tits while your wife eats her out in an epic, high-speed three-way.) Sure, money CAN make you wealthy enough to live pretty well while you're looking for love. But it's rare that you'll have to decide between these two extremes. If you're trying to decide between two girls, you're better off leaning towards love.

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Just make sure you have a good lawyer look at the Pre-Nup. After marrying for money and later divorcing, you'll be older, more bitter and less attractive to single women. Pretty soon, you'll be broke, drunk off your ass, desperately writing a book about fucked up relationships just to make ends meet and— well, never mind. The point is; going for the money is a cop out. It's not worth it.

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Coincidentally, choosing love over money when getting married can still be good for you financially, too. Not only do you get the aforementioned tax advantages the government doles out to encourage people to tie the knot, but you get the benefits of splitting your rent/mortgage. If you both work, the perks of marriage gets even better. Suddenly there's TWO people saving up for that luxury car with the heated seats in back for your snooty Bedlington Terriers. With two incomes flowing in you greatly reduce the risk of fighting over money, probably the biggest source of martial conflict.

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There are some unexpected financial benefits, too. Being married helps your career advancement. When you get to a certain age, you seem weird not having a wife. It's bad enough if you don't have kids, but without a wife to complain about, you'll have nothing in common with the other poor saps at work. Especially with the poor saps who can promote you.

There is absolutely a bias against unmarried men in Corporate America; married guys get paid more than single guys, and get to work less than single guys because bosses know married guys have other obligations. Like having to leave early to pick up their kids after soccer practice. Or running across town to a seedy motel for a nooner with their mistress (which can get expensive). Marriage is a club to which most successful executives belong. Like a Golf Country Club, only without all the fun of golf.

Sure, you could get many of the same benefits by just living with your chick, but then you'd probably go to Hell, you damned sinner.

Sex: A Man's Guide Expert advice on more than 130 topics.

Good sex is important in a relationship. Especially since you're planning on fucking this one girl for the rest of your life. If she still turns your crank after you've been nailing her for awhile, there's a good chance you will always find her hot (or at least as hot as you could find any married chick). You'd get tired of fucking supermodels after awhile if there were no other attraction besides their physical beauty. No, really, you would (after awhile...).

Find girls to fuck who live near you.

Very often, sex inside a committed relationship gets a bad rap. While it may not be as spontaneous, passionate, exciting, muscle-pulling, history-making, neighbor-waking or voyeuristic as sex in a filthy nightclub bathroom, committed sex still has its perks. What committed sex lacks in raw animal excitement, it more than makes up for in fewer games of Pregnancy Test Roulette. And for every one hot encounter you have with a sexy stranger, you'll have ten double-baggers that end with you waiting in line at the Free Clinic.

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Sex with the woman you love is just more stress-free than sex with a complete stranger. You don't have to worry if you'll be able to “perform.” You don't have to worry about her laughing at the size of your cock. You don't have to worry about her showing up at your door with a patrimony lawyer. And you don't have to worry about remembering her name.

Sex with someone you love offers both quality and quantity. Whereas sex with a stranger happens once in awhile, sex with a spouse can happen every 30 minutes or so (in theory, anyway). By itself, great sex is not a reason to get married. But, it's a solid start.

The Clueless Groom's Guide: More Than Any Man Should Ever Know About Getting Married

Of course, if you've been dragging your feet on the marriage issue for 5-years or more, that's a different situation altogether. If you love the girl (and after five years, you oughta fucking know by now) then cowboy-up and marry the bitch. You owe it to her for fucking away her best years. She shouldn't have to pay for your lack of ball sack. Have some 'nads and make a decision—one way or the other. If you've been keeping a less-than-ideal relationship going just to get sex regularly, you're a dirt bag. And if you don't love her, then cut her loose. As they say, “Shit, or get off the pot,” pal. Other guys are waiting to use that hole.