REASONS NOT TO GET MARRIED - APPEARING HETERO

If you're gay, you shouldn't be getting married at all. According to the Christian Right, the Bible says: Homosexuality is a sin, and that's good enough for us. You unholy abominations are therefore condemned to a single life of wild, unfettered sex and hedonistic debauchery! So suffer in your endless pleasure and sexual freedom, Godless pagans!

But if you're gay and hoping to pass for straight by getting married, suppressing your “God-given” natural preferences, and living a lie so that you'll be miserable for the rest of your days, well, that's perfectly okay. Nothing in the Bible against that. Clearly the Christian Right doesn't have a problem with liars or hypocrites, so knock yourself out. But do the rest of mankind a favor and don't take a hottie off the market.