YOU ACTUALLY ARE IN LOVE

Esquire's Things a Man Should Know About Marriage: A Groom's Guide to the Wedding and Beyond

If you're lucky enough to be in love, then you don't need a piece of paper to keep you together—but it never hurts. When you find some girl you don't want to live without, nothing makes it harder for her to escape than the good ol' bureaucratic US legal system.

Not only is there a ton of paperwork involved, but divorcing you may even require a trial. Essentially, marriage is the best way to tell your betrothed, “If you want to leave me, you better hire a fucking good lawyer, bee-atch.” And there's no more touching sentiment, really.

The Groom's Survival Manual Handle the ring, invitations, rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, and bachelor party

Yet, marriage isn't just about you imposing your will on her, and changing her life forever. No, marriage also mandates a commitment to her on your part—you're telling your loved one, “Hey, if I sleep around on you, you can have half my shit.” What girl wouldn't be moved by that kind of unselfish and magnanimous gesture of adoration? Not damn many.

For the actual ceremony itself, however, you might be better off going with traditional vows, “for better or worse” and all that, just to make the wedding video something you can play for the kids.