'PLAN-B' WILL SAVE LIVES (OF IDIOTS)

Like a ray of sunshine through the clouds of Conservative oppression, the FDA finally approved the "Morning After" pill without prescription.

Known as "Plan-B" by its manufacturer—and "a fucking life-saver" by every sexually active 18-year old—the pill contains high doses of ingredients used in birth-control pills and is effective at preventing pregnancy when taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex.

Now, finally, drunken whores and irresponsible rapists won't be forced to bear, and badly raise, the unwanted children they might have otherwise spawned. Children who, without qualified parenting, would no doubt become burdens of the State, criminals or contestants on "America's Got Talent!" Instead, these whores and rapists will get a second chance to become useful members of society, living up to their full potential as Hooter's waitresses and celebrity athletes.

As expected, millions of sperm, ova and religious zealots were disappointed by the ruling.