Dumped

What's the deal with chicks who a few years ago fell all over themselves to tell you how different they are from the feminists, and how they want a "real man..." and now fall for some swish at work who prisses better than she does ...and tells you your inflexible, and too macho, and how he really listens to her...?

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Dating advice for chicks:

Shut Up and Smile: the Dark Side of modeling Exposes the seedy underbelly of the fashion business.

Quick. Off the top of your head, list the number of happy relationships you know. Not many, we'll wager. Why is that?

Personally, we blame Hollywood. And here's why—unrealistic expectations. We're not saying that you won't find a gorgeous partner who loves and adores you 24/7. Only that Hollywood incorrectly makes people EXPECT that. (And frankly, there's only so many supermodels out there to go around.) Does that mean you have to settle? Not at all.

Are you meeting the wrong people online?

Hollywood has taught us to believe everyone should seek a model-perfect mate. So we're in a perpetual state of waiting to see what's coming down the pike. Americans are basically shoppers—pretty damn good ones, too. But we don't shop for mates the way we shop for most things. And maybe we should.

Dating is very similar to shopping for a car.

You look around and see what's out there, take a few of the better ones out for a test drive around the block, and buy the one you like best. The main difference is that while you're testing it, it's testing you. (Cars can't tell you to take a flying leap. Of course, they can't steal your CD collection either, so maybe it's a wash.) Either way, you need a new way of thinking about what you are looking for in a mate.

Because all sales are final.

Relationshit is the inspiration for 90% of all the best angry tracks ever recorded. And whenever anyone gets their heart stomped on, they pull out a guitar and feel compelled to tell the world. Most of the time, it ends up sucking. But every now and then, someone gets it right. Help us compile the ultimate list of angry, pain-tinged tracks:

• Rock breakup songs
• Rap breakup songs
• Country breakup songs
• Miscellaneous breakup songs

UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Dating advice for chicks:

Short of a death in the family, breaking up is one of the most painful, agonizing ordeals you will ever have to go through, regardless of which side of it you are on. For the breaker, it's a guilt-ridden festival of self-loathing, panic and desperation. For the breakee, it's a tortuous, existence-shaking, pail of hot acid splashed in the face.

It's one of the few lose-lose situations you'll ever get into. Nobody wins, everybody is damaged. It's almost enough to put you off dating altogether forever. One bad break-up can scar somebody for a ridiculously long time.

So why get into a relationship? Because we are biologically wired to do so (Thanks, God...). It's the classic moth-to-the-flame scenario. We are drawn into the very situations that will most probably hurt us. Nice, huh?

Did you get fucked?

That's the deal and no amount of bitching or moaning is gonna change it. Relationships that go bad, for whatever reason, are painful. End of story. But how do you tell the difference between an honest, but ugly breakup, and a professional ream job?

Tired of seeing your Ex all over town? Use Travelocity and blow town.

First, don't assume that just because someone broke up with you that it was malicious. People are historically bad at breaking up (regardless of sex). No one teaches a class "How To Breakup With The Person You've Been Sleeping With For The Last Two Years Without Hurting Their Feelings". Frankly, it can't be done. So don't blame them for not trying harder.

They DO, however, owe you the favor of being straight-up about it.

If a relationship isn't working for both parties, then it's not working period, and keeping it on life-support is just a waste of everybody's time. So pulling the plug and ending it soon is the right thing to do, no matter how painful it appears to be (it'll only be more painful later).

Why all the bullshit?

Yet, many people dodge the painful truth and candy-coat it with lies. Why? Because nobody can handle the truth. Society has taught us to take “I don't think we're right for each other” to mean, “You suck.”

Other famous break-up lies include, “It's not you, it's me” which roughly translated means, “It's you.” Another good one is, “You deserve someone better” which means, “I deserve someone better.”

You're not THAT huge a loser.

But even the harshest trashing doesn't mean you're a worthless pile of dogshit unfit to soil the shoe of a pedophile.

All it means is that the person you thought you loved, is really a rat-faced, crack-addled, child-molesting, dork-swallowing, scum-licking piece of undigested corn in a heap of dog feces.

So cheer up.

Don't Take It Personally: The Art of Dealing With Rejection.

Unless you truly are God's gift to women, you might as well get used to the idea that, in your dealings with the opposite sex, you will get the “Let's be friends” speech. A lot. You'll have to accept the fact that you are not every girl's ideal mate, regardless of what your Mom told you. There will be times when women will laugh at the thought of dating you. They will mock you in public. They will throw their drinks in your face. They may even kick you in the package. Repeatedly. That's the price men pay for putting their ass on the line.

How to deal with getting dumped. Hint: it's not therapy.

So why do men do it? Because testosterone makes men horny. And horny men are ballsy men. And by ballsy, we don't mean brave, bold or gutsy. We mean desperate, reckless and dumb. Dumb enough to keep trying even after being laughed at, mocked and kicked in the package.

1001 Insults, Put-Downs, and Comebacks The very sharpest of these barbs.

Yet without desperate, reckless and dumb men, cockroaches would be polluting this planet instead of us. So hold your head up high (as soon as that throbbing stops) for you are Mankind's noble hero and sole salvation. Be proud. And rise above it.

Still, if you want to maintain a shred of self-respect after a woman trashes you in front of your peers, you need a killer comeback. And since you can never think of a good exit line after a woman shoots your down, here are a few you might remember to blurt out before you slink away, red-faced and balling like a child.

• 1.) “Well then, I guess a blow job is out of the question.”
• 2.) “It's just as well, that saves me a trip to the Free Clinic.”
• 3.) “Too bad. Your skin would've made a nice addition to my collection.”
• 4.) “Oh, I'm sorry, I mistook you for a female.”
• 5.) “Oh, I get it. Sorry, let me start again....So, how much?”

Then run.