Sex

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction

Russian scientists, who are apparently no longer employed at the nuclear ICBM factory, have discovered that whipping a depressed person is therapeutic.

I love it when huge, expensive studies are required to prove self-evident folklore. Case in point, a study that proves frequent sex is good for your health.

Specifically, sex:

If you've got a small penis, you may be a redneck...I mean, an Indian. How do I know? The helpful dicks at the Indian Council of Medical Research, that's how:

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men.

Ever wonder why chicks talk all the fucking time? Even when they have abso-fucking-lutely nothing to say?

Female psychiatrist, Dr Luan Brizendine says that, for a woman, prolonged conversation releases the same feel-good chemicals into the female bloodstream that orgasm does in a man's. In other words, women get the same chemical rush from running their mouths like a diesel train that men get from choking the chicken.

I call it "Verbal Masturbation" (I'm officially coining the word, and I want credit for it, dammit). And it certainly solves the age-old mystery of why women speak, on average, 6,000 more words a day than men—chicks aren't just chatty, they're effing talk-whores.

So when you think about it, making a man listen to a woman's constant prattling is tantamount to rape (but try getting that charge to stick in a court of law).

But to be fair, women should have to do their sick, oral jacking-off all alone, and huddled shamefully in a dark bathroom. Just like men have to.

Like a ray of sunshine through the clouds of Conservative oppression, the FDA finally approved the "Morning After" pill without prescription.

Known as "Plan-B" by its manufacturer—and "a fucking life-saver" by every sexually active 18-year old—the pill contains high doses of ingredients used in birth-control pills and is effective at preventing pregnancy when taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex.

Now, finally, drunken whores and irresponsible rapists won't be forced to bear, and badly raise, the unwanted children they might have otherwise spawned. Children who, without qualified parenting, would no doubt become burdens of the State, criminals or contestants on "America's Got Talent!" Instead, these whores and rapists will get a second chance to become useful members of society, living up to their full potential as Hooter's waitresses and celebrity athletes.

As expected, millions of sperm, ova and religious zealots were disappointed by the ruling.