The Karmatic Cycle of Castle Oblivious

Well my life has been interesting latley. I have come to the all important conclusion *once again* that girls are not worth the fucking effort. I will seriously forget about sex, company and conversation to avoid these humbling experiences. Let me shed some light. Im 25 and Im not your average guy. Im a successful and fairly accomplished musician and like all musicians fall vicitim to my emotions. There was a time when i would fall hopelessly "in love" with some girl who would end up stringing me along *once for four years* until they decided they were otherwise occupied. Well after a few broken hearts and a bout of depression i rose to the surface anew shedding my former skin to become someone much stronger. I had to or i would surly perish *dramatics*. "Not giving a fuck" was my new philosophy. Now dating while in this state of mind was always successful. I would not return phonecalls, not do anything too spectacular on dates, fuck them and eventually leave them. I went thru a couple of practice chicks and a couple of hot ones like this and they would always become obsessed. calling me frantically, wanting to go out all the time, however i would always lose interest quickly and avoid their phone calls.Ok..so were now to the point where i decided to grace relationshit with my plight...i met a girl recently and having found new security and confidence let myself "like her". We had a really good time out. she was telling me how much she liked me, putting her head on my shoulder, holding my hand. blah blah blah fucking blah...i wasnt expecting sex on the first date. in fact, she had said she wanted to take things slow and didnt want to have sex right away because her last relationship ended up bad because they rushed in...well we ended up getting drunk and one thing led to another and we ended up with our pants down. Condom on, and a few times in i stopped and realized what we were doing. I said i knew she was wasted and I wanted to be a gentleman, so i stopped. now as any guy will tell you, this took amazing restraint. I was a little hesitant on wether or not i made the right decision, and i was insecure. this was probably where i went wrong. I asked her if i did the right thing in which she said i did and that it really showed her that i cared. oh god...i should have known then...After the date we had a few others. id take her to nice places. she would say how nice it was to actually go somewhere because her x never used to do that for her...i would text her "good morning beautiful" when i thought about her at work in which she used to reply "hey sexy i miss talking to you". little by little however, this stopped. it seemed the nicer i was, the more she pulled back. finally i realized she knew nothing about me...i had been asking all the questions, she had been asking none. Hell, a month and a half in she didnt even know what my favorite color was...which seems gay to even bring that up...but isnt that supposed to be basic dating knowledge?? if you claim to really like a someone dont you care about those things? maybe not. God knows ive been brainwashed into thinking other amazingly stupid ideas...eventually she stopped calling and i finally realized that i was dating myself. I was dating the same personality that i had become earlier in my broken emotional head. ice. cold, brainfreezing ice. i had fallen victim to my own game and never even saw it coming. Making my bed in castle oblivious as it were. Now i admitedly may have deserved this and will take my punishment accordingly, however wasnt it these dumb bitches stupid games that got me this bad karma to begin with??? if i had not once fallen victim to the head tricks females play that we all know now as the "relationshit" would i had still ended up in the place i am now? if i had not needed to become stronger go protect my own emotions would this have happened?? no. if i would have had my way things would have been easy. i love you, you love me. the sickening ballad of a purple dinosaur in a dreamscape we call hollywood romance. movies are not real, either is the hallmark definition of love. love is a chemical in your brain telling you to inject semen into a hole and nothing more. im tired of the chase...and im tired of having to try so fucking hard. fuck love. fuck girls, fuck...im depressed again.