Cue the Violins

Okay, cue the violins and shit. Over a year ago, I engaged this girl I was dating for about six months. I moved out of my bachelor pad and into a place with her, likely Mistake #1. About six months later, I lost my job. I became a lazy, unmotivated slug on unemployment and I refused to do much else other than wallow, drink, and prioritize my friends over her during that time. I was a shitty significant other, I admit it. Worse yet, for the level of commitment I put us in, it made me look retarded.

Cue a month later. I'm single, miserable, living in some shitty apartment I could barely afford with unemployment, and every interview I went on seemed like a waste of time because there was always some pathetic MIT undergrad who wanted to hold the mop at Burger King because life wasn't as grand as promised with a doctorate in psychology. I still had a vast drinking problem but now it was mostly fueled by the fact that I actually missed what I lost with her and I came to find my drinking a month earlier was mostly because I felt like she made more money than I did, she contributed more, and she would often point out this fact. Feeling so useless and insecure, I let myself go. Now that she was out of my life and I was hating myself more than ever, things continued on like this. Oh, and did I mention she was Facebook official with a coworker before this one month had elapsed?

Cue three months later. I'm a Project Manager for a significant company assigned to one of the most prestigious colleges in the Northeast. I'm at two gyms five days a week. I don't drink anymore. The ex and I hang out for the first time and suddenly I'm appealing again. She's openly flirting with me and describing the problems she is having with her fucking boyfriend as if I want to hear about them. Nonetheless, I play aloof and give her advice on how to stay with him.

Cue a month later. We're dating. Things are going well. Sex is better, she's putting in the effort.

Cue one more month later. We're as on-again, off-again as we ever were. She's accusing me of cheating on her when I take my phone into the bathroom to play brick breaker while I take a dump. She says I'm being dishonest with her when I have a guy's night at the bar. She finds one of my more feminine ski hats and it must be a chick's instead of one I bought in poor taste. My solution: Relationship. Maybe with the "obligation" of not sleeping with each other and a different level of expectation, she will relax.

Cue a week. Cue two weeks. Cue a day. "Break up." Dating. "Break-up." Dating. Etc.

Now, we're still dating off/on and she's still insecure and accusatory. All the while, I find her Facebook inbox is filled with messages from guys complimenting her ass, saying she's sexy, saying it was nice meeting her, thanks for the sexy pic- and she's responsive. We're dating, I guess there aren't rules for this shit. It's okay for her to accuse me of doing shit that never happened when clearly she has no problem actually doing the things she's accusing me of.

When confronted she says that because she was fat in high school, she will always have a chip on her shoulder. While she likes the reassurance from guys that she's attractive (despite my own), she's never slept with anyone. Now that she knows how I feel about it, she won't do it anymore. Right. And we won't "break up" and date again tomorrow.

Do I do it to myself. Absolutely. Why? I was a drunk asshole for at least six months while we were engaged. During that time, I seldom had sex with her and seldom returned the favor despite her many efforts to entice me with blowjobs and such. She was romantic and I wasn't. She was intimate and I wasn't receptive.

Now, I'm the asshole. The tides have turned and she has the balance. Now, I have my shit together and know where my priorities are. I want the relationship and a future. I'm finally in a position to do so. She doesn't have "time" to hang out more than a couple days a week. Going to the bar on work nights seems more important than hanging out. Breaking up to emotionally traumatize me seems more like sport to her because she always hangs around in the end. And the best part is that no matter what I do, and I have done enough to make me feel like shit about myself for how pathetic I now am, I always have the pleasure of hearing about the night I got high at her sister's graduation party and talked to bugs on her front lawn as her aunts and uncles left. Yeah, I get it, I wasn't fucking perfect.

I keep allowing this shit to happen hoping she will change and be more mature, more like she once was. Instead, she asserts independence and ensures I know she's going out with her friends and not hanging out with me when opportunities arise. Once a week or two, she will remind me of what an asshole I used to be by sabotaging our relationship with false accusations or just saying something stupid. I no longer hold the power. I want it back.

And, frankly, she's good in bed. She likes stuff most chicks hate, she's fun and likes to be filmed, and if there were ever a chick to "date" without a relationship, she would be it. So I have a much higher threshold for bullshit in this dating scenario than any other. But obviously, there's the soft flesh of pussy where my cock used to be that still wants a relationship to work and I'll torture myself until it happens. And, then, sadly, I will probably find a way to not give a shit again.

Suggestions? Insights? How do I get the power back? How do I manipulate her into changing? If I do win her back fully, what's my best revenge?