So, I decided to write a little something here. It's not really bitching about the girl that dumped me, although she's hurt me pretty damn bad.
I never was a guy, that was lucky with relationships. So I read a lot about them, in order to get "better". And what do you know, I stumbled upon Relationship quite some time ago, a nice site, I oughta admit. But yeah, that's really not the point.
About a year ago, I got really lucky. I met a girl, that was actually willing to stick with me. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not ugly or anything, I just never really wanted to bother with girls up until then. Sure, I could play them using a "fake" attitude, act in a way that would attract them even more. And it is fun sometimes, but you know, sometimes you just don't feel like playing Love - The Game. And that girl was such an example. She wasn't the prettiest around, I've gone for much hotter chicks than her (don't get me wrong, she wasn't ugly either, she was perfectly average). So one night we hung out, I decided I was bored, and made a move.
A stupid motive really. But hey, I didn't care, why should I? And then it happened, the next day, I didn't have the heart to tell her off. Plus, she kind of appealed to me, and I wasn't aiming for any other girl at that moment, so why not. We stayed together for about 6 months after that. And I never really bothered playing Relationship - The Game (my way of naming the collection of tricks to keep a girl). And she was fine with that, she was crazy about me. Had been for 2 years as I later found out.
So there I was. I decided I kind of liked her. I fell in love for some odd reason. We both did, temporarily apparently. And everything was perfect. At that time my life underwent quite some extreme changes. With that I mean I lost the majority of my old friends (moving to college), split up with my band (another group of my closest friends), and pretty much stayed alone for a few months. But I didn't mind. I had her.
And now that I think about it - this girl must've been pretty damn strong. She was everything after a while. My friend, my lover, my love, my world, my reason of waking up in the morning, my reason to live and to die.
And here's the number one f*ck up. If you don't love yourself enough, and bother another person with it, well, it just won't work out. I made her carry my whole world, it's not like I was telling her my problems and so on. But I did tell her that she's my everything. And that's a lot of pressure for one person.
Before I knew it, everything changed. This happens to a lot of guys, if someone can tell me when it starts happening, I'd be grateful. You know, the moment, where you suddenly love her more than she loves you. At first you're rejecting her offers to go out, because you don't care as much, and she's TOTALLY crazy about you. You like "yeah, whatever.". And then the roles suddenly change. Suddenly you're the person asking her out, and she's like "yeah, whatever.". This is a damn good sign that the relationship is going to end. Soon.
And so it did. It happened on a party, she cheated on me. Made out with a different guy. I was furious, told her to go to hell and so on. After I calmed down however, I realized I was badly hurt. The body of course tries to prevent that, and a friend of mine talked me into going to her and working it out. So I did. And we did work it out. However, one mistake I made here, was that I went to her the very next day. I should have let her taste the shit of the world first, in order to make a "better" impression after we've gotten back.
But hey ho, my thoughts were, if she's going to cheat on me again, she'll tell me anyway (she did the first time). I still recall that call. It was the worst. I couldn't believe my ears. Is she joking? Why would she do that?
Everything was going perfect between us. Or so I thought. But I was too caring. As I didn't play her, I was the real me, the caring person, who wants her to be happy. And I wasn't the challenge she needed anymore. Anyway, a month after we've gotten back together, a week after my birthday, we broke up again, for the second and final time. It's been 3 months now, and she's been together with 3 guys now. Kind of makes me go "Wow, how did I manage to keep her for that long?". But it's still f*cking with my mind.
I'm not angry at her. Nor anything else, I just feel the pain of loosing my best friend, my lover, my life, my love, my reason to wake up in the morning and my reason to live my life. All at once. I'm working on getting over her. But it's not easy. It never is. This post is quite a part of the process really. I'm trying to find out what the hell I'm thinking anyway, writing this shit down helps for some odd reason.
Anyway, now to the main thoughts. Sure, a relationship can be a lot of fun. You risk a lot less if you're never truly yourself, because then they never really hurt YOU. They hurt an image of you, which fades after not trying to keep the relationship up anyway. But you know, I don't want to play with the girl I care about. I want to treat her nice, and make her happy. In this fucked up world, this seems to be a bad thing. Stupid world, isn't it? Because if you do that, you'll lose her for sure. I always knew that, and I was risking a lot by being myself. I was gambling. And I lost. But wouldn't it be nice to just have a normal relationship? Where you could tell the girl you love her, without worrying that she'll think of that as your submission?
But yeah, that's what's going through my mind lately. I've got no idea how to get back on-track. I'm not thinking of suicide or anything as stupid as that. But the state I'm currently in is quite similar to death. I really just don't care about a damn thing anymore. I feel the pain all the time, and I don't really care about that either. I've accepted the dump and everything. But I'm not over her and I'll probably never be. I can live with that though. But you know, I'd quite like to be together with her again on one side. She'd hurt me again, I'm sure of that. But still. Maybe I'd dump her then, just so that I wouldn't be the one getting dumped. And I know that I'd play it right this time. I wouldn't be the one getting hurt. And I really want to get her back, I do. The irony of it? The best thing you can do to get your ex back is leave her the f*ck alone. And act as if everything's way better without her. So it's the same as if you're actually getting over her, funny, isn't it? Anyway, I'm staying away from her mostly, with the occasional SMS to remember her of me. Nothing in the style of "I miss you." or anything. Just a status report, like how's life, and that's about it.
I wonder if I'll get her back? She changed a lot though, I'm not even sure I'd like the new her. But her lips, her curves, her beautiful eyes, they'll always be on my mind. Until the day I die. It's just something I have to learn to live with I guess. Life isn't pretty people. But it's still worth living for some odd reason. One is the fear of death. The others are 'cause it'd be fucking boring not to. Anyway, that's about all I have to say.