tough one

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Here’s the situation: I dated this girl for 3 years (lived together for 2 of those years) and it was a very intense relationship. She broke up with me 2 years ago, but for a year afterwards we occasionally hooked up. Then, about a year ago she met another guy who lived in a different city, and six months ago she moved to that city to live with him. The breakup has been really hard on me so I’ve tried to have no contact with her. The last time I saw her in person was in April, right before she moved, and it was really hard on me and set me back emotionally, as I thought I was doing well in terms of getting over her. So I hadn’t had any contact with her whatsoever since then. Here’s where it gets tricky. In a seriously unfortunate series of events, her new boyfriend’s mother was murdered last weekend. My ex’s mom called me and left a message telling me what had happened and that my ex was really having a hard time and maybe I could send my ex an e-mail “because [my ex’s mom] knows i still care about her and she could use the support…” It was awkward to say the least, because even though I don’t wanna come off as cold and uncaring, I kinda feel like it’s not my responsibility to comfort my ex when it’s her boyfriend’s mom, someone I don’t know and stuff, who was murdered. Anyway, I sent a short e-mail offering my condolensces. This was yesterday. Now today, I find out that my ex is back here in town for 2 days to see her mom, and my ex called me a couple hours ago wanting to see me because she’s feeling horrible and since “she still considers me a close friend,” that it would help her a lot to come over and see me for a little while. Thing is, in my own continuing emotional state over the breakup of our relationship (I know it’s been a while since we split, but I’m still having a hard time dealing with it), I simply CAN’T see her, it would just hurt me too much. It hurts me to know that she’s upset about what’s happened to her boyfriend’s mom, and I don’t wish any pain on her or him or any of that, but I feel like I need to protect my own feelings, too. I kind of feel guilty about it, like I’m being selfish, and I’m just not sure what to do. I sent her an email a couple hours ago telling her I can’t see her but if she wants to call again I would talk to her on the phone for a little while (which is still tough for me). Am I doing the right thing? Should what’s happened to her, and her feelings, supercede my feelings about our relationship? I just don’t know what the right and best thing to do is…

Well buddy, that’s your call. She’s trying to keep you as a friends because that’s what chicks do. Now, if you end was mutual and you want to remain a friend and never get anything in return from her…then send her that e-mail. However, if you are still not over her..don’t. Like you said, it’s her bf’s mom..not hers. Just my .02 -decz

Dude, you feel that she doesn’t deserve anything from you, but your wrong. Be a bigger person than you think you are and give her some comfort. It’s only right. Sure, she’ll be with her b/f, but in the end, you both will sort of transend that. but then again, that’s my opinion. You should do what you feel is right.

Screw that bitch. She dumped you and hooked up with some guy, now let her deal with the shitstorm that’s rained down on her. It’s karma that that bad shit happened. I say stay away. It’s not your problem. I know your probably a nice guy and want to be there for her, but the minute she split and hurt you, relieved you of your obligation to be there for her. Let her lean on her friends, not some guy she made life a living hell for. Just my opinion. Don’t mean to be harsh.

Pretty crazy problem. I’m in a similar state with my ex, minus the unfortunate events surrounding her b/f. After we were through, I pretty much swore all contact off between myself and her, except in circumstances like this one. It’s been 3 years and I’ve seen her maybe a dozen times and I have been doing great. Since you spent a great deal of time with her, she would feel some comfort in having you help her out, it would mean a lot to her to offer some up- front condolences. Go out for some coffee, and talk. Then tell her about your feelings regarding her and how you wish to leave things. Or, if you want nothing to do with her, tell her. Or just email her and say that you’re too busy, et cetera. It sucks that her b/f’s mother got killed, but it is of no business of yours. It’s her life. Good luck dude.

Let’s repeat some ground rules, in case you have forgotten the advice of this site: -If you left her, then you owe her nothing. -If she left you, then you owe her nothing. -If the decision to split was mutual, then you owe her nothing. You are responsible for your life now, and she is responsible for hers. If she is a manipulative woman, then you’re better off ignoring her. If she’s decent and the girl of your dreams, then she’ll respect you more if you show some spine and take care of yourself, so you’re better off ignoring her. Please don’t ask us to enable your spinelessness. Take care of yourself. Spend no energy on her.

Overall, unless you still expect to get something going again with her relationship- wise. stay away, send nothing. It was tough for you when she left for someone else, and she will deal with her bf’s loss just fine without you. In fact, that should make their relationship stronger . It is time you asked your mother and her freinds to let you live your own life, not vicariously living yours but telling you how do deal with an x.


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