Is the phrase “happy marriage” an oxymoron like “intelligent politician”?

If love-birds like Arnold and Maria can’t keep their relationship together, what hope do the rest of us mere mortals have to live lives of eternal marital bliss? How are we supposed to have the self-control to not knock up the maid, if Arnold can’t?

The media are fawning all over this story as if the idea of a powerful or famous couple splitting up is a tragedy or even uncommon. But a quick look back through history pulls up a list of famous divorces as long (allegedly) as Arnold’s cock.


Frankly, it’s more amazing when a power couple doesn’t end up sitting across from each other with their lawyers splitting up the houses, cars and kids (“I’ll keep the Kennedy-looking ones, Arnold, you can keep the Hispanic-looking one…”)

Clearly, powerful people with easy access to throngs of temptation are more prone to succumbing than penniless hermits. And, as we all know, power corrupts.

There’s probably even an inverse relationship between how happy a marriage is and how successful the couple is. The more successful a person is, the more temptation they attract. And the more temptation they attract, the more bad judgment they exercise (see also Tiger Woods or Britney Spears).

Still, Arnold’s biggest error in judgment wasn’t that he was cheating, it was how he was cheating. And mostly, with whom.

According to Darwin’s Survival Of The Fittest mantra, Arnold, as a successful male, is entitled to screw anything that moves. Nature approves of this type of indiscriminate seed-spreading behavior. Humans, like all animals, are biologically compelled to breed as often as possible—to ultimately create the one mutant creature that’s immune to whatever disease or condition kills off everyone else—so that our genes survive.

It’s a brilliant system for species perpetuation, but it’s a bitch for anyone trying to uphold the religious tenets of marriage.

Yet, if Arnold wants to use the “I’m an alpha-male, I get to inseminate anyone I want” defense, his partners need to live up to that standard. And his maid, while assuredly a lovely person, doesn’t appear to have the genetic material to justify having his kid (from the pictures I’ve seen, anyway).

I mean, he’s the governor of effing California, for crying out loud! He could have his pick of the fittest women in the land—he shouldn’t be settling for the lady who vacuums his Davenport every Tuesday. (And he damn sure should’ve been wearing a condom.)

If successful people can’t stay together, does that mean all marriages are eventually doomed to divorce? Not a chance. Why? Because thankfully, most married people are broke-ass losers.

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