staying friends with a "friend with benefits"

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i’m kind of seeing one of my best friends, but we both don’t want to date. i really like him, and the relationship escalated to “with benefits” probly because of my crush on him… this guy was my ex’s best friend. when my ex moved away, in just a few weeks we started seeing each other. it started from a night of hard drinking and just having some fun. it was a great time that we both don’t regret! we’ve started seeing each other more, and it’s been a totally new experience for me. i had never been with anyone before who i wasn’t in a committed relationship with. but. he’s a total ass! i think at this point i feel like he’s mocking me when i stay over. he knows that i will just come back when i need a lay.. i don’t deny it but damn! i guess i do make it easy for him, but that’s because we flirt so easily and hang out alone a lot. how can i tell if after we decide to either start seeing other people or just not sleep together anymore that we are still going to be friends? i love him to death as a friend, and i would hate to just never hang out anymore. i love how the sex is just a little bit extra.. we are not lovers. it’s actually a great feeling.. but i feel shitty when he doesn’t want me to stay after.. just tell me if i’m being a stupid skank. i already feel like it. i guess i just want to know if anyone else has been there and what they do to keep him around.. but not too close so we don’t hurt each other.

Sorry, you are though. You are just going to get hurt. There is nothing good that can come from this situation, even though he might be awesome, where’s the respect? (Both from him and in yourself). Cut your losses.
wasabi11's picture

Been there, done this and it does not work. Have more class than he does and expect a little from drama when you cut and run. Don’t learn the hard way like I and so many others have.

You will just get hurt. Think, he is using you. Get out of this before you wind up hurt. moral of the story: “..and the man loses interest in the lady..” if you really like him, show some respect for yourself and keep friends.. or at least play hard to get, make him earn it instead of just putting out. how long does he stay after he “sneezes milk”? just a suggestion.

Being “fucking friends” is ridiculous. You will get hurt. he has no respect for you at this point. please, there is no way you could keep your dignity and self respect by remaining friends. Get out while the getting is good.

why do you want what’s bad for you. do you think your trash? your not please don’t do this to yourself. you love it because your not “hurting” anyone but yourself. In a way your selfless, i can understand. i can tell your smart, you obviously know what’s going on. Your not a skanky slut or else you wouldn’t be having second thoughts and posting this. please find a guy that will treat you right. and despite what everyone says about guys only want sex, there is someone one out there that would give you that sex thrill and not take you for granted. Wishful thinking? maybe but that’s what life is all about, an adventure. take the chance girl.. what are you afraid of? Hurting some guy.. please your too kind just do it. that guy would probably need the experience of a crushing heart again. He will learn, and understand the world better. Isn’t that alright to live with now? But sincerely, i hope your alright the fact that your not afraid of guys after being missed used speaks loudly. You have a better future. you know what pain is if you don’t have a reason to endure it, leave it. There will be other great battles to come. sorry maybe i made this too personal..

Two months ago i was in the same situation. Let me tell you now…he didnt stay around. So sorry to “burst your bubble” but tht will happen 2 u 2 prolly… Prepare yourself and stick up 4 urself. I let him walk all over me and ended up in a place i didnt want 2 be. Hurt him b4 he hurts you. And end it now b4 u start havin actual real feelings 4 him. Like what happened 2 me. Hope things turn out good. Goodluck!

YES, GET OUT. Sweetie, he is using you. He has NO respect for you. Do not go back. Just stop. Take a breather and start doing stuff with your gf’s for awhile. Then hopeflly little by little, you can get back to dating. Yea?

Get out! Do NOT look back.

I hope by now you got out. I agree, don’t look back. Go on with your life and maybe do stuff with your g/f’s for awhile. Later, you can get out and HOPEFULLY meet a guy with similar interests and HOPEFULLY someone who will treat you with respect. Good luck because if you are staying in a “no strings” relationship, the guy don’t care about nothing cept a little pussy and boobs to squeeze girl.

I’m a mother of two wonderful children and I have a full life with much of my time taken by my career. I have no desire to live with anyone. One of my best male friends lives alone and doesn’t date. We love each others company when we both have spare time, we meet up and the sex it fantastic. The best part is not having to put up with the relationship crap. I’m sure he doesn’t need my snibling this and that and I don’t need his. We both have our own lives, I go my way he goes his. It’s a great situation! I say enjoy it while it lasts!

When you meet someone new, how will you feel about your friend then? Will you really want to continue to hang out with him once you’ve fallen in love with someone else? Most likely you’ll lose the friendship you once had with him. People that were close for years as friends with benefits find it slightly awkward to be around each other when they try and have relationships with other people. More than that, when you know you have someone you can always fall back into bed with, it makes it more difficult to truly let go when you meet someone new. You’ll end up sabotaging a new relationship before it even begins. But Hell, if it feels good go for it!

i had a few “friends with benefits” over the past 2 years when i was single…both were old friends who i’d always been close to and always been really attracted to and we started the whole “casual relationship” thing . the sex was great with both of them and well….just be careful cos for me it certainly didnt work out i ended up hoping and wishing they’d see me in as more than a friend and that if they got over issues and exs etc then we could be together…. didnt end up that way…i took a leap of faith and told them how i felt on both occasions, they got scared off ended up putting a big strain on our friendships…dont speak to one of them any more however i sorted out everything with the other and now we’re better friends than ever in happy relationships with other people id say dont get messed up in that but that’s just me

I feel like dying after fwb breakup, in conclusion I caught feelings he didn’t return them, lost my best friend cos he was in love with another girl. I thought that fwb relationships were supposed to be uncomplicated and not hurt as much as proper relationships but in my case I was wrong. Never again, it’s not worth it!

Yes I love her and she loves somebody else but as long as it lasts we’re both getting something we want. I hope it lasts a long time but nothing is forever.

There’s something about spending a couple of hours on the side with a man that treats me like a queen. I always leave feeling good

With my fuck friend we have casual sex with only for the purpose of having sex. We’re best friends but romantic feelings for one another are not present. The sex is Great and we go about our lifes. I think deep down inside there is a lot more of this going on than we admit and for some reason I don’t consider it cheating, more like have more than one bf.

You are cheating. Having a fuckbuddy while being in a relationship with someone else is cheating. No exceptions, admit it and accept it.

I have been good friends with this guy for a while - never really took notice of him much till right before I moved away. Was a really sweet guy the more I got to know him so I developed the biggest crush on him, but on the side, I’ve had my boyfriend of 3 years so never did anything with the other guy. Until we met up again months later he just happened to be in town and we screwed. My boyfriend was a rollercoaster ass hole that I had already been tired of anyway but stayed with to see further how we’d work out but once I got with the other dude I broke up with my boyfriend. Now we’re in the fuck buddy status, both single and like it that way. He has a job where he has to travel around a lot and I’ll invite him certain times of the year to hang out in random parts of the country and let him know that doing him dirty is part of the plans. So I feel like we’re a little more than fuck buddies since we still talk about hanging out and havin fun, but the whole traveling around on the job for him and me being busy partyin and goin to school has left us just like that. Fuck buddies. I’ve never been in this kind of ‘relationship’ before but is seems good to me.

I think you’re in love with him!
xylah1001's picture

I have had 2 guys in my life so far that were friends plus more. One i did date briefly and after that we basically used each other as rebounds after other break ups and ocasionally would have sex if we happened to find ourselves alone together. The other one started off a bit like what your saying but here’s the problem - girls get attached and guys don’t want you to. So usually thats when guys stop returning phone calls and completly ignoring you, and thats why girls go nuts when guys do this and will send the guy massive amounts of text messeges sounding like an obsessed girlfriend which causes the guy to continue to avoid the girl even more. Well, as i said this is what ended up happening to our friendship. It got so bad infact that we didn’t speak for about a year. Well we ended up running into each other and we were friends and hung out for a bit, ended up sleeping together and it never became weird again. the problem is that you have to remember that if you make it in any way like a relationship then you will end up feeling like it is one. Do not spend more than one night together, and he is probably right to have you leave after.. friends may fuck but boyfriends and girlfiends SLEEP together. It is VERY easy to confuse yourself and end up blaming him. i would suggest looking deeply inside and take a break from being around him. You have to stay detached to not get attached.

So I’m not going to lie to u! Ur going to get hurt! We went on a couple of dat at first, I wasn’t looking for a serous relationship neith was he. He got out of a mess devorice about 3 years before I new him and my hate husband died 2 years before we both worked a lot so we did the friends with benny. At first it sound great and it was but when he went over seas to iraq at that time we had some good fun for a year then I had to say goodbye was so hard at the time I didn’t know I loved him or thought it was posiable. So durning the year he was over seas we became such good friends cause we did see eachother wen he came home I was the first person who when he came home from the year tour we where the best friends he dated a couple girls now an again but came back to me. So needles to say 6 1/2 years later bes friends and greatest lover I had and waited by his side threw 3 tours told him one day I wanted to take a next step.. he said he couldn’t with me cause he thinks as me as a true friend but I saw it in his eyes many timesit was a bs lie so now he is ingaged and I am too its hard not to see him cause we both know what’s happens when we get together and we both cheated so we be together but hard part was to walk away. Who know maybe one day we both stop being stuborn and be with eachother.

The problem is you are not separating the friendship and the sex….you need to understand that when you are having sex with him, thats all it is…dont expect cuddle time or talking or any of that shit. Get what you went for and get the hell out. It sounds to me like you want more than just friends or sex or friends with benefits. If you didnt it wouldnt be that big of a deal that he wants you to leave. Not saying you are a skank at all, you just need to learn to separate the friendship from the sex. It seems like you are putting an emotional aspect on your fucking with him….thats all it is, is fucking. Yeah, when you arent fucking, you guys might be awesome friends, but when you are fucking (or directly after) you arent really “friends” you are just a fuck buddy, just like he is supposedly to you. You are confusing this whole process, it doesnt have to be this difficult. If you want more than a lay, then tell him, if not, you can either continue the way you are or you are going to lose even his friendship. If you cant find a way to separate the fucking and the friendship, its all going to go downhill. He wants you to leave right after is because its just fucking to him…if he wanted cuddle time, he’d make you his girlfriend. When you arent fucking, you might be his friend, but you cant be his friend and fuck him at the same time. So while you are getting busy, you arent his friend, you are just fuck buddies. Its different. If you cant make that distinction, then you should end the fucking or the entire friendship right away.  :) Good luck :)

Dear Fucking whore: You told me your name was: “Fucking Whore” I really like your name. I have no interest in dating a woman, who is a virgin. I am interested to date a woman, who has a reputation as a “Fucking Whore” who meets these conditions: The woman is African American. The woman lives in the Bronx section of New York City. The woman has a thin stomach. The woman weighs 125 pounds or less. I prefer a woman who wears a trampstamp tatoo on her lower back. How can I find an African American woman, who has a reputation as a “Fucking Whore” to date? Yes, you are right. Many men will lie to you. A man who thinks your name sounds sexy, Antichrist_10

I’m going thru the same exact shyte but after sex he stays or if I’m at his place he doesn’t want me tuh leave he wants me tuh chill he’s pretty much an asshole around his frenz but wen were alone he’s the perfect gentlemen this is not rele a comment its a ” what do I do?”

I was in one of these, and I started to get feelings for him, I told him and he didnt feel the same way but kept texting me telling me he just wanted to be friends and I basically told him to FUCK OFF, because FWB is not worth it. It works if you are both emotionally unavailable, a slut or a complete asshole! It’s a selfish thing and for any guy/girl wanting to get into one! DONT DO IT! It’s tempting I know, but DONT DO IT!!! DONT!!! DONT DO IT!!! You get hurt, cus at the end of the day, one of you will catch feelings and then it all goes down hill from there :-)

DEAR BULLSHIT Get the hell out of it! Trust me! I had one (read my comment) the guy I was sleeping with was like that, wanted me to stay around and cuddle etc, he would text me everyday, flirt with me and when I told him I got feelings he didnt feel the same but kept apologising and saying he wanted to be friends so I ditched his ass! Dont do it!!!

Get out. Here’s the thing, birth control can and does fail. What then? What if it turns into a FWB/NSA/Fuck Buddy Gone Pregnant situation? My fiance has this from a high school FWB and he has had a VERY hard time keeping any long term relationship due to them still maintaining a “friendship”. Sorry, no. Once you have sex with someone longer than a one night stand, they’re an ex. When you finally get with a good guy that will treat you right and be the one you want to settle down with,you will be hard pressed to explain that friendship. Humans are naturally territorial. If you are single and you can separate feelings from physical, take the precautions, OBVIOUSLY to not get pregnant, but understand that that is a real consequence of adult actions. If you can’t see yourself or don’t want to have a child with this man, don’t go down that road. It is a REAL scenario that CAN happen, despite all precautions. I, myself, am the result of three forms of birth control failing. My parents were married and monogamous, but they were taking precautions because they just welcomed my brother into the world three months earlier and didn’t want another child RIGHT away, and yet, hello! Here I am. To trivialize sex is ACTUALLY quite sad. And again, there are TRUE consequences for these actions, such as a possible pregnancy. If you’re not ready for that, then don’t go there. ALSO HPV and STD’s are ALSO a very REAL thing. When was the last YOU had a test? And do you REQUIRE your current prospective partners to ALSO have an STD test before engaging in sex, because, let’s be real, you don’t always use or have condoms handy. Respect yourself enough to take care of your own health. That’s the thing I’ve noticed is a trend with most of these sites and articles… No ONE addresses the two elephants in the room: POTENTIAL PREGNANCY AND POTENTIAL SPREAD OF AND CONTRACTING STD’S.It is like it is just ASSUMED that pregnancy won’t happens and if it does, “Morning after pill. And if that doesn’t work, abortion.” While those are options and a right, you won’t know what your feelings will be UNTIL you’re in that situation, and then you may not be ready to follow through with an abortion. And understand that no matter the situation, you will probably go through the abortion alone, or the pregnancy alone. If you’re not ready for either, don’t do it. And if you contract an STD, be prepared for the stigmas that come with it. Make sure you have a very strong support system. And these are real possibilities, if you’re FWB/Fuck Buddies/No Strings Attached or whatever you want to call it, also realize that you’re not the only one that’s having sex with this guy, nor are you going to feel the need to be monogamous to this guy…. Breeding ground for STD’s. And before you think I’m a prude, no. I have worked seven years in the health industry, have two children, have had an abortion, and worked four years at a strip club while going through college and STILL never crossed any of these lines. I’ve always known what I wanted, what I was willing to put up with and what I wasn’t. I also have older brothers, am the only girl, and as a result of that have quite a few guy friends and I’ve never crossed those lines with them, because I value our friendship and never wanted to taint it any way. But that’s just me and I know not all are like that. And as a woman with a man that has a “fuck buddy gone pregnant” situation, it makes it very… Complex.


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