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Why women dress like sluts (Spoiler: it's not the reason you're hoping).

Despite protestations against being “objectified,” women still want to be thought of attractive on a purely physical level. No matter how liberated or educated they are, deep down inside, women want to be hot; the kind of hot that makes every man want to have sex with them. But, when it comes to attractiveness, what men want is incidental, unimportant and where the problem really starts.

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Why men think women dress like total sluts.

With little else to go on, men judge a woman’s interest in sex (understandably, we think) from the way she dresses. Moreover, most guys believe that women dress sexy to “get a guy.” But that’s because most guys don’t understand women any better than they understand Italian opera. When it comes to choosing what outfit to wear, “attracting men” doesn’t even figure into it (unless the women are prostitutes,of course).

To better illustrate our point, imagine that you see some hot bitch wearing a skirt so short you can see her belly button and a top showing more cleavage than a melting Arctic glacier. Naturally, you think: “That girl must want sex, because if she didn’t, she’d be wearing jogging pants and I’m A Lesbian flats instead of tight Spandex® and five-inch “Fuck Me Pumps.” right?” Yeah, sure, that makes sense (to you).

But you’d be wrong.

As it turns out, there’s really only one real reason women dress like total sluts.

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The real reason why women dress like total sluts.

For many women, sex is unnecessary and even superfluous, a “favor” they exchange to get something else they want. So why do women dress like they want sex when they don’t actually want sex? The Family Guy’s Peter Griffin asks the question best:

You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You’re a...You’re out there jumping around and I’m just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you’re trying to — why, why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I’ll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is — is just bogus.

Weirdly, there’s almost no correlation between dressing like a slut and actually being one (which explains the confusion about guys always thinking girls are “ asking for it”) In fact, the two are rarely linked together at all.

So if Lindsay dresses like a slut, yet doesn’t want sex, what does she want? Why is she “leaping around there, throwing those things all up in your, over there in your face?”

Because she wants to get noticed. (WTF?)

What women want more than sex (it’s a long list).

For women, the whole point of dressing sexy is to be the center of attention. And not just because it fills a childhood void left by their father’s neglect (although it does that, too). No, being the most popular or noticed woman at a club or party gives that woman has the most social clout.

When it comes right down to it, women are craven little toads just like men. They want their needs met to the fullest extent, some of which — such as adoring adoration — require the participation of other people. And getting that requires some kind of leverage.

Women can get the required leverage in a variety of ways: They can attract attention through a talent like music or art, through business success or fame (think Reality TV), or they can bend people to their will by possessing the One Ring to rule them all (but that one only really works on nerds).

Yet rather than attracting attention through personal achievement, business savvy, or mystical jewelry, many women simply choose the easy way — by disrupting societal convention. That’s a fancy way to say they wear clothes that showcase their lady lumps: necklines that dip lower than the 2008 Dow Jones Index, with skirts and heels higher than Snoop Dog after riding on Willie Nelson’s tour bus.

The downside of women dressing like total sluts.

Whenever a woman wearing overtly sexy clothes enters a room, men instantly notice whether they want to or not. This involuntary Darwinian reaction to a sexualized woman dumps a shit-ton of hormones into the blood stream which amps up his systems in preparation for fucking that will, in most cases, never fucking happen.

So a woman who dresses slutty when she doesn’t actually want sex is guilty of “false advertising” (or, more accurately, of being a “goddamn cock-tease.”) Such provocative attire is simply a gross misrepresentation of intent and it has real, negative physiological effects on a man (especially if his girlfriend catches him leering.)

But women aren’t out to hurt men by displaying more thigh and breast meat than a KFC, men are just collateral damage. Women dress this way because they know men aren’t the only ones who will notice — more importantly, other women will notice (and want to stab the slut repeatedly in the face).

So why would a woman wear inappropriate clothing when it’ll only piss off other women? Because, when it comes to getting attention, women are some competitive bitches.

Women are some competitive bitches.

Women display their assets prominently for the same reason men leave their car keys out on the bar — to flaunt them. Women with 34DDs shove those puppies right in the face of less well-endowed women. In turn, less well-endowed women counter-punch by not wearing underwear. It’s an arms race of exposed female flesh, and men benefit most, but not without a lot of confusion.

To be fair, men do the same kind of preening. Like when a man tools up to valet parking in a Ferrari Spyder, he’s not doing it because he’s going racing at Le Mans after dinner. He’s driving that car to make other guys look like pathetic Honda Accord-driving losers. It’s pure Darwinism...you know, except with cars.

Revealing clothes accomplish the same thing for women. Places like Victoria’s Secret are any woman’s ace in the hole. Because, when all women in a room are of equal attractiveness, the sluttier dressed woman wins the battle for attention. After all, while men notice women pretty quickly in general, they notice women in 5-inch heels and a micro-miniskirt a helluva lot faster.

Consider this sexist joke:

A manager is interviewing two female candidates for a position. The first is a dual major Physics and Macroeconomics with a 4.0 GPA from Harvard. The second graduated summa cum laude from Yale with an MBA from Wharton Business School. So which candidate gets the job? The one with the biggest tits.

There’s probably a moral in there somewhere.

The female hierarchy of hoochie.

Sexual attention is a kind of currency that women can use to get free drinks, free meals and damn near anything else they want. And the girl who gets the most male attention gets her pick of the “fittest” (i.e. richest) men. But not all women dress like sluts to attract the Alpha Male, a lot of them dress to be the Alpha Bitch.

Dressing hot is, first and foremost, about climbing to the top of the beauty-based status structure and outranking other women in the prettiness pecking order [alliteration slam!]. For women, being out in public is like being in a beauty contest, except that the Grand Prize isn’t flowers and a sash, it’s attention domination.

In short, dressing sexy is a power play for chicks. They do it to compete in society’s hierarchy of attractiveness. They do it to one-up other women. And they do it to make other women look like asexual prudes.

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