A word about Commitment-phobes (aka "men").

Guys are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: The Fear That If You Get Attached to a Woman, Some Single Guy, Somewhere, Will Be Having More Fun Than You.

An answer to that age old question, Why Didn't He Call?

This is why all married guys assume that all unmarried guys lead lives of constant excitement involving hot tubs full of naked international fashion models; whereas in fact for most unmarried guys, the climax of the typical evening is watching an infomercial for Hair-in-a-Spraycan while eating onion dip straight from the container. (This is also true of married guys, although statistically they are far more likely to be using a spoon.)

So guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments, or even to take any steps that might lead to commitment.

This is why, when a guy goes out on a date with a woman and finds himself really liking her, he often will demonstrate his affection by avoiding her for the rest of his life.

Women are puzzled by this, “I don't understand,” they say, “We had such a great time! Why doesn't he call?”

The reason is that the guy, using the linear guy thought process, has realized that if he takes her out again, he'll probably like her even more, so he'll take her out again, and eventually they'll fall in love with each other, and they'll get married, and they'll have children, and then they'll have grandchildren, and eventually they'll retire and take a trip around the world, and they'll be walking hand-in-hand on some spectacular beach in the South Pacific, reminiscing about the lifetime of experiences they've shared together, and then several naked international fashion models will walk up and invite him to join them in a hot tub, and he won't be able to.

But seriously...

The real reason all the men you date are commitment-phobes.

"Men don't want to commit", "Men don't want to cuddle", "Men don't want to shop", etc. You've heard it since you started dating. And your experience bears it out. Men do hate all those things, right?

Well, let's just say that while men don't particularly LOVE those things, but they don't hate them either.

They just hate them (and here's the bad news) with you. If they were courting a top model like Carmen Electra, they'd be picking out wedding invitations and China patterns after the first date. No, the awful truth is that men don't commit to women they don't love. Plain and simple.

If your man doesn't want to get married, he doesn't love you. Sure, he'll say stuff like "I'm not ready yet." Which is true. He's not ready...to settle for you. But that doesn't mean you suck as a person, only that you and he are a bad match.

Don't take it personally. Just take a hike.

Your rating: None (42 votes)

marrage

my partner of two years does not want to marry as he was married before and got hurt but me on the other hand i want marrage we both love each other but what happens now?

Marriage

Hun, you already know the answer to that. That's like him telling you he had a bad time in Florida, so he won't go back, even though you're dying to go and have never been. Ok, maybe not Florida. maybe marriage is more like Akron.

reluctant 2 marry

I'm going through the same exact thing I just told him we can't be together year after year without commitment. What is crazy is how desperate he is to have me back in his life but as his girlfriend not his wife.

Bah, I call BS on the "Real" reason.

As a guy, I say the first reason is often just as plausible as the second. If I must be honest with myself, it's probably the reason I haven't married my girlfriend of a few years yet. We get along great ... but, what if I haven't had a chance to really live yet? The naked international fashion models! They could show up tomorrow! Maybe when I'm old and ugly, I'll have given up on them. But not yet.

your kind sickens me

stop hoarding you fucking insecure disillusion shithead. you will never get foreign fashion models, you cant make a move or are completely oblivious to your state of manliness, which is quite below zero at this time i am reading this. only logic is she is cheating on you comfortably or she is gutter trash. and a talking point on your regular social life with your girlfriend to a potential fantasy fuck will kill your fields of glory real fast. guess what, you are already old and ugly. not lacking ignorance though.

I'll buy that. I've been

I'll buy that. I've been anti-marriage for a while, simply because I don't really like the guys i've dated. I've been serious with some of them, but it's true that they weren't the right ones so i opted for plan b ie break up after a period of time.

Concerning the fashion model bs.. there will always be someone better looking, smarter and better than your partner. It's all about finding a balance that doesn't make you want to kill the other person ;)

I agree if he doesn't love

I agree if he doesn't love you he won't commit, shopping and all those other activities that are stereotypical of men hating is just bs. Go watch a guys face light up with joy when he walks into Sears or Home Depot, or a sporting goods shop. Women will have the same miserable face on occasion that guys will when being dragged around shoe shopping. I think if the girls out buying a pair of high heels then it's only fair to go some place with the guy that you wont enjoy so much...Pep boys or some other car parts store. Marriage problems are only what you make of them and most can be easily worked out. If you really love the person your with married or not most arguments if you really look at them are superficial.

Not always true

If we're talking about an average man who just has some reluctance perhaps to settle down then I might agree with the contention that it's just that he doesn't love you. However if you have done some serious investigation into the problem of men who have a serious phobia about commitment (I mean REAL anxiety to the point of almost panic attacks, physical symptoms, a marked change in behaviour almost overnight without anything have happened to explain it, etc.) ... well that is more than just him "not being into you." These guys (and there are girls like this too) usually have made bad exits out of all their previous relationships too and whatsmore they seem to follow the same pattern.... whirlwind romance, loves you "like no other", pushing you to commit (and no, I don't mean they are just playing a game, they are believing and wanting it too) and then suddenly their behaviour mysteriously changes without any explicable reason. Read up on it, there is a very established pattern and I've read what a lot of these guys (and girls) have had to say about how the fear overtakes them and completely takes over their thoughts, etc. which results in them fleeing the relationship because of all the anxiety. It does not mean they didn't love the person they were with and to suggest that it does is just not right in every circumstance.

So what do you do with the "real" anxiety guy?

Your story reallly hits home with me: "whirlwind romance, loves you "like no other", pushing you to commit (and no, I don't mean they are just playing a game, they are believing and wanting it too) and then suddenly their behaviour mysteriously changes without any explicable reason"

What can one do when dating this guy?

I know what to do...

At that point, you have to back off. This is a really good time to invest time in a hobby, or write all those letters you've been meaning to, or take a class. Not only will it make you more appealing to him, because you're not dependent upon him to have fun, but it will enrich your life, and keep you distracted while he decides what he actually wants.

i know what to do

Yes, this is the best advice ever to back off. Get your own life outside of your man or woman when they back away, and they will come running back to you. Don't call until they call you, and don't be so quick to respond. I call it let them marinate a bit til they feel the season of not having you always hitting them up. This for sure works everytime for me.

What Can One Do When Dating This Guy?

That's what I'd call a real personality disordered man. Lots of them around, actually. What kind of a person lies and then leaves? Someone who is totally irresponsible to themselves and others. Read about Personality Disorders....there are CLUSTERS of them and u can really peg someone within a category EASILY. Walk away.....fast.

I dated this man for almost 4 years..

We dated for four years, I am 33 and made promises that by the end of the year we would get engaged. We never fought,or had issues but overnight it was over because he said he could not see himself as being married. Keep in mind, this guy is not attractive, most of my friends always wondered what I saw in him. He definitely won't have any model types chasing him. I think he has insecurities and its true I really think he was bipolar and has personal issues. Now I get to start over and although its hard, I would rather it end now that be with a loser...

This is the only post out

This is the only post out millions that make sense. No excuses or justifications, just fact. Most of the men out there and sadly many women have personality disorders and they are reproducing and making more people like this. Exactly why society and the world is falling apart, mental illness and personality disorders are running rampant. These people are charming in the beginning when they hide their mask, they can be persistent and deceiving. I wonder if it's just a gene, a very evil one, that is programmed to fool the good ones so the bad ones can spread their seed and further break the world down. There are fewer and fewer good people to go around and it seems everyone is out to use others, whether for a temporary purpose or to destroy them for no good reason at all just to feel alive, they get high from destruction and hurting and breaking others down. It's crazy out there. Nothing makes sense. They make you question your own sense of instinct and sanity, they are very deceptive and manipulative. I feel bad for anyone who has accidentally reproduced with such people. You may have some difficult offspring you may not like in your life if they inherit the bad parents genes - yuck :( Walk away and run very fast!

Not always true

If we're talking about an average man who just has some reluctance perhaps to settle down then I might agree with the contention that it's just that he doesn't love you. However if you have done some serious investigation into the problem of men who have a serious phobia about commitment (I mean REAL anxiety to the point of almost panic attacks, physical symptoms, a marked change in behaviour almost overnight without anything have happened to explain it, etc.) ... well that is more than just him "not being into you." These guys (and there are girls like this too) usually have made bad exits out of all their previous relationships too and whatsmore they seem to follow the same pattern.... whirlwind romance, loves you "like no other", pushing you to commit (and no, I don't mean they are just playing a game, they are believing and wanting it too) and then suddenly their behaviour mysteriously changes without any explicable reason. Read up on it, there is a very established pattern and I've read what a lot of these guys (and girls) have had to say about how the fear overtakes them and completely takes over their thoughts, etc. which results in them fleeing the relationship because of all the anxiety. It does not mean they didn't love the person they were with and to suggest that it does is just not right in every circumstance.

The "Freak-out", aka Anxiety Attack...

I have to also agree on this, because this is exactly what happened between myself & my ex. We weren't necessarily togther every day, but we talked almost every day in one form or another. We were very into eachother, had mutual interests, had amazing sex, ect. Two weeks before we broke up, he was telling me that he didn't want to lose me, how happy I made him and that I made him forget all the things that drove him nuts. Then two weeks later, after a great night out with his friends, BOOM. All of sudden he wanted to break up, from out of nowhere. He started spouting off all sorts of non-sensical reasons; he didn't get to me see often enough, he didn't know how he felt about me, he didn't know what I was to him, he didn't think I would move with him in 2 years when he was due to be re-stationed in Texas (he's active military & currently in Afghanistan till next month), I never talked about getting married despite the fact he liked how independent I was, that he thought about other girls...literally any possible reason he could give till he got to one where it finally broke me. Then it was suddenly over. And I never saw it coming. Given his abrupt change in behavior and the fact that he was being deployed in 2 days, I remembered how he had told me when we started dating how 2 previous girlfriends had dumped him in the past year because of what he does for a living. I suspect that one of those breakups occurred while he was on his first deployment to Iraq, and that he may have gotten burned pretty hard. I tried for 3 weeks to get him talk to me about things, which I know now was the wrong move to make, but he was still stoic & refused to address what happened. I finally threw my hands up and told him not to contact me again until he was finally ready to talk. I haven't heard from him since, and that was 10 weeks ago.

We did move rather quickly in our relationship..."whirlwind", to say the least. After our first date, he was pushing to take a trip together, which made me back off for a couple of days. Did he love me, I may never know, but I definitely know he cared. But based on what I've read here, my own experience and a very good male friend who told me that he did the exact same thing to an ex-girlfriend of his, I believe the crippling anxiety attack that suddenly forces a breakup does exist. I've been around enough to know when someone that I'm seeing isn't "that into me"...this definitely wasn't the case. He was into me, all right. Unfortunately for me, I got him at a time where he still has major issues as far as trust & confidence are concerned. All I can do is leave him alone.

This is all to familiar. I

This is all to familiar. I have been with my man for almost three years he told everyone around me he was going to marry me and even went as far as to give details on how he was going to do it. Then one day we went to the mall he bought me perfume told me he wanted a divorce(jokingly) and said I was going to move in when my lease was up. He went out with his friends. I was not happy about that so I left on good terms and the next day...he's breaking up with me. I know he loves me everyone around me says they can see it by the way he looks at me. I know he didn't cheat or meet someone else. I know he has commitment fears. Everything has been perfect between us. Now, he and I are meeting up to exchange personal belongings and he says he wants to make it quick. What does that mean? he doesn't want to talk to me? hes content with his decision? How am I supposed to act??

i don't know whats wrong but

i don't know whats wrong but my boyfriend of one year to marry me and all of the sudden he says he will give me my engagement ring but when he's ready...

I Don't know what's wrong either

My boyfriend of two years just discussed having me move in with him, without any provocation or being pushed. Once I agreed however, he backed out and completely started to do things to disrupt our relationship.

It's not just that they're fashion models.....they're RICH

Hey, you don't have to be an international fashion model to get a guy to settle in, but the sex has to be mind-blowing. But the international fashion model has something you don't: millions in her bank account. Guys love that you look great, but at some point he notices how much you spend to get that way and he freaks out at the prospect of being on the hook for your ridiculous credit card bills. Sex and money, baby. Those are the things that always screw up the relationship. If you have both, you're his dream girl.

Who Cares?

Hey women, why lose the attention of all men for the inattention of one man? That's my theory.

commitment phobes

are not just men, women are too. So you should include "aka women" in the title as well.

If a guy or girl won't commit to a monogamous relationship or marriage, they can make whatever excuses they want, they'll say what you want to hear so you'll shut up...but ultimaltey, he/she does not want to commit to YOU. Have enough self confidence to know when to get out of a bad situation. Don't waste years and years waiting and hoping, get rid of the commitment phobe and go find a person who does want to get married to you (if that's what you want). You need to look at yourself and take responsibility for your own actions in staying year and years, hoping and waiting. Yes, that was your own decision.

-from a female sick of hearing the sob stories

why do men suck?

women believe when i say this most men suck anyways

Men committing to women

This was...interesting.

Um, just because a man won't marry you doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Men don't commit out of love per se. They commit when they are compelled to.

and what if...

Someone doesn't want to get married at all, full stop, ever, because they don't believe that the institution of marriage is consistent with their goals and philosophy in life? (and not that they simply want to stay out on the club scene and boink every cute guy/girl that they meet). While love may be a precursor to marriage, marriage is not a requirement of love. Plain and simple. For me (a woman!) I find that the position that such a societal condition is likely to put me in a terribly depressing prospect. I don't want marriage, I don't want a legal document which declares my relationship and financial status within a set of legal boundaries, because I don't believe in the idea that love is for life (people develop and change, its an undeniable truth, which sometimes means people grow apart and relationships change, and people drift apart), love is not a finite commodity, and property is an illusion anyway (I don't want a mortgage, a swimming pool, a big TV and two cars so I don't need to collaborate funds in such a manner) and I don't want children for personal reasons (I like kids but the idea or pregnancy and childbirth and having my own depresses me beyond belief, and no its not about losing my figure or not having money or anything shallow like that). I think I may be androgynous.

I totally agree with you. I

I totally agree with you. I am in a relationship with a man who doesn't agree with the institute of marriage. He does talk about the future with me, especially when we retire, but he's not a marriage-minded person. I'm fine with that, because after my nightmare of a marriage, I'm not thinking that marriage has to be the end-all of love. I'm happy being with my boyfriend having good times, great mind-blowing sex, and wonderful conversations. I certainly don't wish to move in with him and see him every day...that takes some of the magic out of it, I believe, at this point. We're both not ready. I'm certainly also not ready to share finances, chores and other relationship killers. I do have children, but have made it clear to the boyfriend that he is not a replacement daddy. Once I got rid of those obstacles and showed him that I'm not pressuring him for marriage, the ring, the big house, his money, etc, I can't keep him off of me LOL. I make sure I pace the relationship slowly, since I don't wish to fall into the whirlwind mistake so many women let guys do to them. BIG MISTAKE. I'm extremely happy right now....for two years. I hope it continues to happen this way.

PS...the more sexually adventurous you are, the less amt of time he regrets the fictitious naked models that probably will never give him the time of day. GOOD LORD.

Men are disappointing

My boyfriend and I dated for a year. Everything was great when one day he told me that he wants to be single and does not want to be committed. He told me that he is scared and does not want to get married. I was surprised because we are only 20 and I never talked about marriage. A lot of our friends who are about the same age got married this year and he thinks that if we stay together we will get married. I am really disappointed and I don't know how to move on from something like this. I mean he tells me that he loves me but then suddenly he does not want to be committed AFTER a whole year? What is this? At first I thought that it was an excuse to break up with me because he met soemone else. I investigated and he is not seeing anyone else. I concluded that he never loved me and I just wasted a year with someone who broke my heart. He apologized millions of times but that does not change anything.
And I know you guys will say that I am only 20 and I will meet someone else, but I feel like I will never be able to love anyone again or trust a guy because one day he might wake up and brake up because he does not want the commitment.

he is an honest guy

This is an honest guy and one with honour. Once he decided things were not working with you he told you directly, honestly, and respectfully. Furthermore, he did not have someone "waiting in the wings" and just wanted to move on with his life in a direction that, as a free human being, he is entitled. This is much more honourable than many female friends, who I have observed only break up with their current boyfriends once they have their hands firmly clasping their new relationship.

I am often reminded of the phrase "A woman always has the right to change her mind."
Well in the age of equality in 2014 so does a man.
Accept his apology for your hurt feelings, and respect his honesty. There could not have been a better break up.

he is an honest guy

This is an honest guy and one with honour. Once he decided things were not working with you he told you directly, honestly, and respectfully. Furthermore, he did not have someone "waiting in the wings" and just wanted to move on with his life in a direction that, as a free human being, he is entitled. This is much more honourable than many female friends, who I have observed only break up with their current boyfriends once they have their hands firmly clasping their new relationship.

I am often reminded of the phrase "A woman always has the right to change her mind."
Well in the age of equality in 2014 so does a man.
Accept his apology for your hurt feelings, and respect his honesty. There could not have been a better break up.

what women won't ever admit, not even to themselves.

I am sick and tired of women complaining and blaming men for their own shortcomings. What women will never admit, not even to themselves, is that they expect commitment from their man
but they will never be committed to a man, man smells the trick and of course will give it good thought
before commitment. Also because modern marriage-law gives women the upper-hand. Reality is modern women are only interested in power, don't know what loving a man means. They expect commitment because they know when that arrives they will have the power kick from
knowing the man is emotionally under their control.
At that stage they will not think twice, if a better
candidate comes, to break everything off and try the other choice. That's pure power game, women killed Love! it's not a coincidence they always talk about commitment and never about love...

Awesome

I'm so glad to find that more and more men are beginning to see the truth about women. Maybe someday women will consciously become aware of the power games they play with men and with other women.

Living with the guy 4 years, two kids still not marriage...

Hi! I loved this statement: "That's like him telling you he had a bad time in Florida, so he won't go back, even though you're dying to go and have never been. Ok, maybe not Florida. maybe marriage is more like Akron." I have been living with my partnet for 4 years. He is divorced and I am too. I wish to marry he is avoiding it. The kids have his surname and I feel an outsider all the time. This is taking on the relationship because we kinda dont talk about this anymore. He is happy with it. I am not.

Dating guy for 9 years, moved in a month and freaked out

Try dating a guy for nine years, to have him have a breakdown and tell you he wants a break so he can regain his respect in women. When all you did was give he stayed at my home 5 days a week, talked about marriage and moving in but never actioned his words. We never spent weekends together cos he was with his children at his home. On reflection I feel used, not valued and worthless.

Commitment

I agree. As a male i belive my true role is to entrust other males to share the care of my children with their mothers. The male I entrust would be employed by the government to share the care of my child/ren with its mother. I beleive this is how an ideal society would function. Also, I dont beleive people who have sex should share the care a child or children.

Commitment

Also, as a male, for every female I manage to impregnate my responsibility is to entrust one other male to take on my share of the responsibility of the child. This very act requires a certain level of management as I am required to communicate with the government in order to organise appropriate guardianship for the next generation.

For the sake of this planet

I hope to hell that you have not and will never reproduce.

The player

A true player knows never to tell his real address to his ladies. After all the objective is to remain untraceable by her.......however it is the responsibility of the player to entrust a male of a similar age to take on his share of the responsibility for every child he produces. -I.e. Commitment doesent matter.

The player

A true player knows never to tell his real address to his ladies. After all the objective is to remain untraceable by her.......however it is the responsibility of the player to entrust a male of a similar age to take on his share of the responsibility for every child he produces. -I.e. Commitment doesent matter.

dont understand

i hav been seeing a guy for 6 months we've been on holiday 2 gether and were on de fone to each other 24 hours a day literally , den he says were not in a relationship he cant giv me a commitment so i end it , i,ve recently been back in contact wit him he says he misses me but cant giv me wat i want ??? am i just sex to him ???

CANT UNDERSTAND

I WAS SEEING THIS GUY 4 A LITTLE OVER 6 MONTHS WE WENT ON HOLIDAY 2GETHER HAD GREAT LAUGHS GREAT SEX ETC BUT DEN HE SAYS WERE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP SO I END IT , I,VE RECENTLY BEEN BACK IN CONTACT WIT HIM AND HE SAYS HE MISSES ME BAD BUT CANT GIVE ME WHAT I WANT A RELATIONSHIP , WAS I JUST SEX TO HIM ???

Oh boy.

Yes, you were just sex to him. Hope this helps.

Waste of Time

I don't believe in ultimatums but after almost 4 years with a guy inching my way towards 30, I'd like to get a proposal. He says he is not ready and to not pressure him, but what about what I want and when I am ready? I think it's bs when guys says they were forced into marriage- No you weren't. If you wanted to marry the girl then you would, and if you don't want to marry her then you shouldn't care if she breaks up with you. Men are a lot more needy than they let on and they just don't want to be alone. Thus, being a waste of time for the woman because she thinks something is going to come of it. As much as I hate ultimatums, I still give them. I'm such a douche!

What a man-hating article! Whew!

Quite possibly the most sexist, anti - Man article I've ever feasted my eyes on.

Seriuosly, Men hate to Shop and Cuddle with their women? Moronic statement.

Yes, there are men who don't wnat to get married. Maybe they don't want kids. Maybe they don't see the benefit to marrying someone when they can provide for them and commit to them without having to sign a legal and binding contract which will end up cutting their balls off if things go wrong (That's right, even if the woman ends up insane, he'll still have to pay her half of his income, and be fucked for life).

Maybe Men want a little trust and respect from the woman they are committed to, and devote so much time, affection and attention to without having to have a sword held over their heads every waking moment of their existence with, Ooooh, I need a ring. Or, I need a wedding.

Why can't two people love each other, live with each other, and respect each other WITHOUT a contract?

Maybe it's the WOMAN who fears losing the MAN who desires marraige so much. Not the Man fearing anything in relation to the woman.

Except, of course, the half of the income thing. Not fucking good.

To the author: Get a life, or at least learn to trust men and come back in 10 years and write a new article about how young and inxperienced you were when you wrote this.

And truly, I hope you find the right guy. Sounds like you haven't yet.

To you: Get a life because

To you: Get a life because there are actually women who make decent livings and don't need to rely on men for "half their income". I make three times more than my boyfriend. Not everything is about money!

The Price of Vagina

And here's a psychopathic female if I ever did see one:

"I don't believe in ultimatums but after almost 4 years with a guy inching my way towards 30, I'd like to get a proposal. He says he is not ready and to not pressure him, but what about what I want and when I am ready? I think it's bs when guys says they were forced into marriage- No you weren't. If you wanted to marry the girl then you would, and if you don't want to marry her then you shouldn't care if she breaks up with you. Men are a lot more needy than they let on and they just don't want to be alone. Thus, being a waste of time for the woman because she thinks something is going to come of it. As much as I hate ultimatums, I still give them. I'm such a douche!"

Let me understand this:

You don't believe in forcing a guy to marry you, but you'll give him an ultimatum that he MUST marry you, or you'll leave him.

Sounds like you're the one with the issues honey. You never loved this guy of 4 years. You just used him for his cock, and hoped he'd pay for that pussy you gave him with a 5,000 ring. Sorry, no pussy is worth 5,000 after 4 years.

Maybe 10.

Orr?

"Sounds like you're the one with the issues honey. You never loved this guy of 4 years. You just used him for his cock, and hoped he'd pay for that pussy you gave him with a 5,000 ring. Sorry, no pussy is worth 5,000 after 4 years.

Maybe 10."

1.) Average price of a ring is around 2,000 dollars.
2.) Actually a pussy is worth a lot, have you ever seen firsthand how expensive prostitutes are?
Cocks, on the other hand, are greasy, cheap and readily available.

dilemma to me

Interesting comments here. I don't know who to trust! I am in a relationship with a fantastic fellow. He's very good to my daughter and I, and we spend a lot of time together. We're coming up to a year now, and he has no interest in making a commitment. I do not demand marriage, but how does a couple commit to one another without marriage or moving in together? My boyfriend says that he's perfectly happy alone, but would rather have a girlfriend, but said that he doesn't want a serious commitment. Having trouble deciding what to say or do. I love this guy more every day.

there are a lot of sad

there are a lot of sad stories ...i think it is better to move on with/without counting on them. if they are right for you, they will stick around. time can tell.

The Fall Back Girl

If you are sleeping with a guy and they tell you they do not want to commit to you, and hand you excuse after excuse as to why they don't....They are either already in a relationship or they do not want to be in one with you. this is almost alwqays true. They will date and begin to see another woman while not letting you know so they can fall back on you. Because 9 times out of ten you will still be there when things get rocky with their current girl.

or, the fall back boy..

while he is busy with someone else...you can move on seeing other people, too. sometimes, it takes time to figure out who has the best connection with you...both of you might just need to take a break to find the answer.

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