Tripods. And not the kind you set cameras on.

Guys are not like girls. In any way. At all. Ever. Got it? No, you don't.

We'll say it again: Guys are not like girls. Guys aren't mysterious, nor particularly deep. They're basically pretty simple (at least when they're under 30). All they want is sex; constantly.

Sure, you think you already know that. But what you don't realize—if you're like most women—is how truly unrelenting that urge is. Imagine if the only way you could get food was if a man provided it to you. Without it you'd die, right? Well, getting sex for a guy is almost the same thing (minus the actual dying part).

How much sex? Lots.

Given the choice, most (straight) guys will sleep with as many women as they can. The more the merrier. Regardless of whether you're pretty, smart, personable or interesting. If you've got a Slot-B, men will bring their Tab-A. Sure, a little personality makes men feel better about fucking a girl, but their focus is really on getting off. Their innate impulse to procreate is nigh irresistible. (If your guy doesn't want to have constant sex, it just means he doesn't want to have constant sex...with you. Ouch, the truth hurts, doesn't it? Sorry....)

Men will do anything to get sex.

No matter what a guy tells you—that he digs poetry, moonlights at the SPCA, loves you, whatever—he's just doing it to get into your panties.

Yeah, sure, your guy is different. He's "sensitive." He "respects you as a human being". Uh, huh. Yeah. Well, that could be true. But then again, pigs could fly, too; it's just un-fucking-likely.

He may believe he's serious, but deep down, he's just horny. Or too afraid to admit that he doesn't think he can get any other (or better) girls than you. And no guy is stupid enough to walk away from a girl who he thinks will put out. So it's in his best interest—or rather, his dick's best interest—to play nice to the girls he can get. Girls with low self-esteem, like you. It's a percentage game; "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" and all that...

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Why can't men keep it in their pants?

Because men are made that way. That's what men do. All the other stuff—fixing things, burping and scratching their ass— that's just a sideline operation. Sex is why men are on the planet. It's their reason d'être.

Yeah, yeah. You probably think that's just an excuse; a cop-out excuse for men's loutish behavior. Too fuckin' bad. Just like the earth orbits the sun, dinosaurs and man didn't coexist, and Tom Cruise can't act, it's a fact. Get fucking used to it.

Women get away with the same shit: PMS gives women carte blanche to act like bitches from hell, and yet nobody makes them over-ride their hormonal bullshit. Once again, women are "victims", whereas men are just uncivilized assholes. Smell that? Yep, it's hypocrisy.

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So what can you do about this problem?

First, let's reiterate. The compulsion to procreate is NOT a problem. It is not a flaw. Defect. Or quirk. It is a genetic trait. And, as a genetic trait, it comes in varying degrees like body odor; some guys just have more of it than others. But all men have it.

Women just have to deal with it the same way men have to deal with women's annoying habit of trying to "civilize" them. That is, try to find a guy who has a tolerable level of loutishness.

Or, you can just try to outlast it.

Unlike ALL of women's annoying traits, the male's sex drive wanes in later life. The urge to fuck is inexplicably replaced with an urge to drink beer and watch televised sports.

No one knows why, it just does.

Just remember, men's obsession with sex is the ONLY reason your ungrateful ass is alive on this planet. (Hell, if mankind had to rely on women's sex drive to populate the planet, cockroaches would be running the show by now.) A little fucking gratitude would be nice, btw.

In the end, none of this is to suggest that you need to tolerate cheating. On the contrary, feel free to dump a guy the first time he does it. Because sleeping around means that the man either takes you for granted, isn't bothered by the prospect of losing you, or isn't ready for a relationship. All signs that you should be putting out for someone else.