marriage - the shortcut to everything women want.

Simply having kids isn't enough for most women. After all, kids are a lot of work. They cost a lot of money to raise. And they need a roof over their heads while the child grows. Now, any modern woman will insist that she is fully capable of providing all that for her offspring alone without the help of a man. And many probably could.

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But doing it all is really hard work (nothing kills the excitement of pumping out a child like having to go to work the next day). Luckily, women have an out. It's called a husband. And finding one is as easy as "forgetting" to take her birth control pill.

You see, getting married is a right of passage for women (much like getting drunk in Vegas and waking up next to a dead hooker is for men). Women dream about “the big day” from their earliest childhood. They plan everything down to the China pattern on the dishes. And the thought of it makes them crazier and crazier as they get older until they can't stand waiting anymore and marry the next guy that doesn't make them vomit.

The way Hollywood shovels it, women get married for love. But that's not entirely true. Often, women will get married for ridiculous reasons, such as wanting to wear the big, white puffy dress they saw in a store when they were six. Or because they want a huge party where they're the center of attention.

Yet why are women so cavalier about this enormously life-changing event? Why do they seemingly marry the first sap who asks? Because getting married for the hell of it, surprisingly, isn't really a bad deal for women.

Women want everything they can get, and marriage is the shortcut to getting it all. Look at the incentives for a woman to get hitched:

• 1.) She gets a free house.
• 2.) She gets a free car.
• 3.) She gets to have kids (her primary function).
• 4.) She gets to stay home and watch soap operas.
• 5.) She gets to quit her job (forever, if she works it right).
• 6.) And when she's tired of you, she gets to divorce you and take half of your shit.

Happy Housewives Darla Shine asks housewives: What have you got to complain about?

Now consider everything a woman has to give up when she gets married:

• 1.) Having to look attractive.
• 2.) Being nice to guys (including you).
• 3.) Putting out to guys (especially you).
• 4.) Paying off her credit card debt (that's your job now).

Can YOU spot the only downside? That's right: She has to let you fuck her. But, if she can fake a headache, she doesn't even have to do that. What can we say? In most states, if you marry a girl in a whirlwind of romance and Long Island Ice Teas, you can lose half your stuff to your new bride and a competent divorce lawyer. Yeah. How's that for a consolation prize? Hey, thanks for playing. Better luck next time, sucker.