Section 2: About chicks

Most guys will agree that many women suck (just not in the fun way). Still, if you wanna get your rocks off, what other choice do you have? Right? Well, actually, there are other "outlets" available to the sexually active human male:

Dual Attraction: Understanding Bisexuality Just how horny are you?

First, you can have sex with yourself; masturbation is quick and convenient, albeit messy. Even at its best, though, it's only a stop-gap measure. Eventually, you are going to need a real woman, regardless of the degree of difficulty.

Second, there's sex with just that, a real woman: A potentially excellent feeling experience—depending on the girl's "hotness"—but fraught with emotional baggage, mind-games, STDs and unintended fatherhood. Despite these massive drawbacks, it's still the most popular option going.

Third, you could have sex with another man. Historically, it's been a popular avenue (no pun intended) for Greeks, Romans and frustrated prison inmates. And while easier to instigate—from what we hear—homo-sex is much harder to block from your mind the next morning (and for the rest of your life). Perhaps the biggest downside is that your date has a cock. And for most guys, that's one too many.

Finally, there's sex with an animal. But we don't recommend it for a number of reasons, least of which is the difficulty in getting a goat into a garter belt and stockings. That notwithstanding, bestiality is non-consensual, illegal, and morally wrong. Plus, it demonstrates a level of sexual desperation more obvious to women than your mutant Neanderthal uni-brow. So you might want to stick with one of the first three options.

If you eliminate choices #3 and #4 on the grounds that you're heterosexual and not from the Deep South, you might as well make peace with the fact that you're gonna have to learn to deal with chicks.

Or buy hand-lotion from a bulk warehouse store. It's your choice.