understanding women - how they want love.

While a woman's inner workings are a mystery—even to themselves—they are clearly very different than a man's. Still, there are notable similarities. For example, both men and women want love; a very human compulsion.

Of course, even in this rare similarity, women want love expressed differently. Tragically, the way women think men should demonstrate love is every bit as fucked up as the way men think women should demonstrate it.

Women often want love expressed through romantic gestures, intimate conversations and thoughtful gifts. Conversely, men generally want a woman's love expressed through interpretive pole dancing in nothing but high-heels.

See the problem?

Men and women are honestly not even on the same page in the Big Book of Happiness—hell, they don't even have the same edition. As a result, men are about as inclined to spontaneously start up a meaningful conversation about his feelings as a woman is to surprise him with a frosty cold beer and an enthusiastic blow job. Instead, men will demonstrate their love by buying their women power tools. And women will take their men out for a fancy dinner, ultimately, disappointing both.

Though after enough disappointment, men face reality and come to accept that they are never gonna get that blow-job, and probably not even the beer. Women, somehow believing their equally unrealistic expectation of men is more legitimate, don't give up that easily.

So, as keeper of The Only Vagina You're Allowed Anywhere Near, your woman has a good shot at getting you to talk about your feelings more than Oprah on four hits of Ecstasy.

It's just another way men and women are different. And, like usual, women come out ahead.

Next chapter...