What you're doing wrong in bed.

If you’re like most men, you want to fuck badly, in the worst possible way. And that, unfortunately for women, is precisely the way most men fuck. Men are so intent on getting their own orgasm that they frequently cheat partners out of theirs. Worse, they cheat themselves out of repeat sex.

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Understandably, being near a naked woman makes a man’s brain focus intently on one thing: Mounting her like a wildebeest and humping her brains out (okay, two). Since those situations are all too rare, some urgency is warranted — you have only a few minutes to do The Dirty Deed before she wises up and puts her clothes back on.

However, it’s in your best interest to slow it down and focus on her needs, at first. It’s only fair, since she needs to get something out of having sex to make it worth her risking disease and/or pregnancy. She’s got a lot riding on riding you, so she has a right to expect you to hang in there, right? Sadly, most young guys lack the self-control necessary to do the job.

Maybe you're just with the wrong type of girl.

Despite what a lot of men think, many women can — and often do — have orgasms. It’s just that, compared to a man’s orgasms, a woman’s orgasm isn't as easily come by (did you get it that time?).

Female orgasms rarely happen in response to any specific type of physical stimulation (such as rubbing the living shit out of her clit). They rely equally on psychological stimulation, too. If their brains aren’t into it, then an orgasm isn’t on tonight’s menu. Like men, women have orgasms when they’re excited. Unlike men, it takes more than saying, “Let’s have sex!” to excite them.

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Regrettably, most women lack a man’s sexual focus — the ability to stay on course towards the big “O” without getting distracted by little things like her husband coming home early or a tornado taking the roof off. Men can and will literally fuck anytime/anywhere, whereas women are more particular.

Once again, Hollywood would have you believe that the “perfect moment” for sex (i.e. the moment of simultaneous orgasms) can occur anywhere as long as a man and a woman both love each other and are physically attractive. But, in reality, a woman’s orgasm is way more complicated than that.

For a woman to have an orgasm, the following things MUST first occur:

• 1.) She must like you.
• 2.) She must want to get fucked.
• 3.) She must want to get fucked by you.
• 4.) She must be thinking about getting fucked by you.
• 5.) She must not be thinking about ANYTHING else.
• 6.) She must not feel fat.
• 7.) She must not have called her mother in the last week.
• 8.) The house must be spotlessly clean.
• 9.) The planets must be aligned in an order that only occurs once every millennium.
• 10.) You must not say or do anything “wrong” in the process.

If women were wired like men, their entire vaginas would be lined with a bazillion feel-good nerves instead of just the clitoris. (The rest of the female sexual anatomy is there mostly for reproductive purposes and expelling ping pong balls on stage at Thai sex shows.) Sure, women feel sensations throughout their nether regions, but the clit is Orgasm Central. And that’s where the trickiness begins.

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If you treat her clit the way you treat your dick — say, by abusing the shit out of it — she’s going to cut off your penis, get dressed and go home to her vibrator. Why? The penis and clit, while similar in theory, don’t work the same way in practice. Her clitoris is more concentrated and, therefore, more sensitive than your dick. Apparently knowing guys aren’t smart enough to figure out the female sexual anatomy, Nature wisely hid the clitoris where men would have a hard time finding and overstimulating it. That way, women get incidental contact while fucking.

To make a woman come, some guys will hold off orgasming and pound away hours longer than they should in the belief that staying power equals good sex. FYI, it doesn’t. Just because men stop at nothing to orgasm, doesn’t mean women do. In fact, sometimes a woman just doesn’t feel like coming at all (Wait, what?).

Yes, sometimes women aren’t in the mood to get a penis jammed up them! (Shocker!) Sometimes they know they’re not going to come and just want sex to be over. And the fastest way to get rid of you is by pretending to orgasm.

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Why would a woman fake an orgasm? Well, there are any number of reasons, but the most likely answer is that you’re sweaty, disgusting and smell bad. It could be that she just wants to get some sleep. Or that you’re shitty in bed. Or that she’s got other things to do. Or that she wants you to like her. Or that your dick doesn’t vibrate at 10,000-rpms.

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As hard as it is for guys to understand, there are times when women really just aren’t into sex. And times when your sex drive and hers aren’t on the same page (i.e. ALL the time). In those instances, a woman has three choices: First, she can fake a headache or give you the cold shoulder (virtually guaranteeing that you’ll seethe with rage and fuck around on her as revenge.) Second, she can use the “How about tomorrow night, honey?” deferral method which works by appealing to the last shred of human compassion left in a man with a raging hard-on.

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The third option — and best choice if you ask most men — is for her to just lie there. Sometimes, the most appealing option for a woman is to just let you screw her, even though she knows she’s not gonna cum. Crazy? Maybe, but probably just practical. When a woman knows it will take for-fucking-ever for her to get in the mood, she’ll give you a little “Oh! Oh! Oh!” and the occasional “God, yes!” and you’ll shoot your load, fall asleep and she’ll get the TV remote all to herself — it’s a textbook win-win scenario.

Not that you probably care, but you can tell whether she’s faking it easily: If she’s on top she's probably not faking it. If she’s on the bottom and talking on her cellphone, she’s probably faking.

Just don’t sweat it if you aren’t making your woman orgasm every time, it may just be that she has other things on her mind. (Of course, one of those things may be why you're such a lousy lay...)