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09/21/2005 at 9:23 AM #2364MODERATORKeymaster
What the hell, I’m just gonna my guts right here. If you don’t want to be bored to tears, stop reading now. Here’s my little ‘ole life, I’ll try and keep it as unbiased as humanly possible.
Can’t remember how I found this site, but it can’t have been a good day, Perhaps I was googling “love sucks” or “don’t trust women” or any of the other half dozen sentences you won’t find inside any Hallmark cards. Yes, I am amoung the (growing, I suspect) number of guys burned by some chick, does it show much?
Having been brought up in a Disney culture of “love always finds a way” / “Have the courage to follow your heart” / “Sensitive family guys are what chicks really want” bla bla bla, I was ill-prepared for the realities of relationshits. Soon as I fell in love I did everything by the book – bought flowers, gifts, dinner, gave her compliments, called her after dates, paid attention to her, took notice of clothes/perfume she was wearing, was nice to her friends. And why not, I was in love, on top of the whole world. Then the wrong move, I told her I was in love with her. BZZZZZ. Oh I’m sorry. But thanks for playing. She seemed rapt at the time I told her, but went from playful to weird in a week. Avoided me. Refused to talk. I confronted her soonafter and was told “It just isn’t working out. You’re a great guy but yadda yadda (I couldn’t hear much through the roaring in my ears) yadda yadda. Can we still be friends?” Gulp. Ummmmmmmm. I was getting up to leave, and she actually stopped me to ask if we could still be friends. I finally agreed. And that was about the last time we spoke. That was five years ago. She avoided me completely after that. Everytime we were together with mutual friends (which was often), she’d drift into the next room. Everytime I tried to talk, a panicky grin appeared on her face and she’d mumble she was “busy”. When I sat at one end of a restaurant table, she’d be at the other. It was childish. It was heartbreaking. Still going by the PG-rated mainstream belief system (“People are reasonable and good inside, give her space and eventually she’ll snap outta this. You can trust her, she’s your friend…”) I gave her space. I gave her space for six whole months. Six whole months of watching the person I loved slip away right before my eyes, and not being able to say a goddamn word without making it worse. It was hell. And you know the craziest part of it? I couldn’t even come to believe she was avoiding me until I’d watched her walk/turn/look away for the entire six months. I mean, she didn’t speak to me for six months, and it just never occured to me she was avoiding me. I’ve learned what pure denial is, it’s when the truth is not even an OPTION to be discounted. I never had to convince myself that she wasn’t avoiding me, it was one hundred per-goddamn-cent automatic. Love bites the big one alright.
When the penny finally drops, I decide I can’t take it anymore and leave. Cut off ties to her and (equally sadly) our mutual friends. And you know what? She actually tries to stop me. Was it because some part of her actually did want to still be friends, or was it because she felt guilty I’d have to lose a few friends. I don’t know. I’ll never know as long as I draw breath in this crazy world. A month later, she was dating a new guy. And I’ll be honest, he’s far better looking than I am (what can I say, reality sucks donit?), and seems like an okay guy. She didn’t tell me she was dating again herself, she told my best friend (who was like a go-between for her: she used to ask him how I was), letting him have the unenviable task of telling me, I wrote her a note, wishing her well in her new relationship, and later at some rare party when I met the both of them, I actually shook his hand, put on my bravest face and told him I was glad to meet him. What a nice guy I was. (Tell you the truth, that nice guy is long gone, blew his brains out – best thing for him really).
When she broke up with me, I was too numb to be angry. She told me “it would be a lot easier if you were mad at me.” I just shook my head dumbly. How could I hate her. I loved her. She could do no wrong. And even now, most of me still doesn’t hate her. She was too goddamn sweet when we were together for me to trully hate her. Even when she wouldn’t speak to me, she’d always give me a quick smile. What a sucker. It would probably been kinder for her to just tell me deep down she didn’t give a fuck whether we were friends or not. Sweet chicks are easy to fall for. But sweet goes hand in hand with weak. And weak is a shitty quality to have when you’re trying to salvage a friendship, because that takes guts. I guess I hate the way she just turned away and left me to pick up the pieces.
What bothers me the most out of the whole thing is, what goes through a chicks mind? How can you ask someone to be friends, then cut them outta your life withou so much as an explanation. At least have the goddamn guts to tell them to fuck off. And even more amazingly, how can chicks do this, then not feel the least bit guilty afterwards? Sure, they tell their friends they wished things turned out differently. They’ll talk and talk and talk about it, but at crunch-time, they won’t lift a finger. And after the opportunity has passed, they’ll talk about it some more. It’s just a cheap way to avoid responsibility without feeling too bad. The quote from “As good as it gets” comes to mind “(To understand a woman) I think of a man, then I take away reason and accountability.” So fucking true it’s depressing.
A year later, my complete bitch (and trust me, I mean BITCH) sister dumps her fiance. They’d lived together for seven years, they were gonna be married in three months. I’d lived with the guy for five years, he was like a brother. And wouldn’t you know it, she does the same shit. Promises to be friends, cuts him off, bitches and moans about it everybody EXCEPT him afterwards. They haven’t spoken since, that was three years ago.
And the ‘ole brain-box finally started clanking. I thought long and hard about all the relationships (mine and others) I’d ever known. My parents, My sisters’. The “love of my life”. That chick before her. My friends. And you know what – I try to be a bleeding heart liberal, but I can’t escape the awful awful truth. Men are fucking assholes, and women are petty bitches, but at least men are honest and predictable about it. They don’t lure you in pretending to be innocent, sweet and pure. An asshole has a far-reaching stink indeed, and when a chick hooks herself up to one, she’s either dumber than a sack of hammers or she just wanted a relationship, any relationship, to have something to chat about at the coffeeshop ala Sex in the City/Ally Mcbeal. A responsible family-man tends to stay that way. A responsible family-woman… *slaps forehead*… what am I saying, I’ve never met a family-woman under the age of forty. (and by the looks of the current set, future family-women will be a highly endangered species). Six years ago, I would have been offended by what I just typed. How dare I slander all women! All women are different! Rah Rah Rah! But not now. I’ve seen too many relationshits I would literally rather eat shit than be trapped in, and while I’m sure trustworthy, amaxing, dynamic women who stay wonderful are out there (in the same way lifeforms probably exist in the uncharted multitudes of planets), I’m just not a gambling man.
So that’s my story. I’m not looking for relationshits anymore (although, quite a few of my previous friends (female predominantly) were impressed with the way I handled that whole mess and have dropped inviting not-so-subtle hints – hey! I’m not that grotesque!). Fall in love? Start a family? Here’s the goddamn truth, I wouldn’t know why I’d be doing it. I reluctantly believe there’s nothing inherently sacred about anything we feel or value, not happiness, not sadness, not loneliness, not lust, not even love… not even human life itself. I now believe that everything we feel and think – everything we are fundamentally – just a vague construct brought into existence by a bunch of cells wanting to replicate their dna in a teeny-tiny far off-center speck in the universe. Crazy shit yeah? That’s why I’m typing it here instead of telling anybody. It’s not the sort of viewpoint most people feel comfortable with. It’s not the type of viewpoint I feel comfortable with, but I’ve tested and weighed it against my own experiences, the experiences of my friends and many biographies of people long gone, and it holds up depressingly well. Besides it fits everything around me very well with 0% of the brain-drooling bullshit happytalk present in all other viewpoints found in religion, mainstream society and media, new-age motivational books costing $24.95. I watched in weary acceptance as the oceans rose and swallowed up so many helpless children and third-world citizens in the asian tsunami. I sighed as the planes slammed into the Twin Towers and Pentagon. I watched in bemusement as War on Terror was declared – here, there and everywhere. I watched as religious fundies went red in the face with the latest medical proof Terry Schiavo was capable of speaking. Just apes doing what hysterical apes do. And the persistent dark thought throughout it all: Nothing is sacred or real. Love isn’t, Fate isn’t. Justice isn’t. Karma isn’t. God isn’t. Life isn’t. Dr. Phil can’t teach me shit. We really are just animals. Pass the chicken.
Looking to the future. Personally, for me, there isn’t much of one. I’m not asshole enough to drag someone into my life, especially with these fucked up conclusions about the world I’ve formed, and ESPECIALLY because there are very very few people I would ever trust enough to chain the rest of my life to. I don’t plan to grow old, no, let me rephrase that, I plan to die young. I don’t have kids, if I did, I’m sure I’d have to make myself a nice guy again “For The Children” and that would just be a cheap and over-used alternative to facing reality. I will not bring life into this world – it may be the biggest favour I can do for my kids. I plan to make some money (not hard as a single guy), travel to some third world country, slowly spend my money getting very cheap blowjobs for the rest of my life and die with a big dopey grin on my face. No I’m serious.1. Sexting. Talking dirty can be a real turn-on, so you might be thinking about sending racy messages and photos by text — also known as Chat Sex “sexting.” By some estimates, close to half of your friends might already be sending or receiving sexy messages on their smartphones. But before you join in, consider what might happen to that text after Live Sex your recipient reads it. “In general, I go by the rule of don’t do anything — commit to print or video or anything else — that you don’t want to haunt you,” says Alman. Even if you sexy girls have deep trust for the person to whom you have sent your sext, think what might happen if they intentionally — or even accidentally — forward your message to others.
2. Hooking up via Craigslist. If you’re eager to meet sex online someone outside your usual social circle, you might be considering placing — or responding to — an ad on Craigslist or another free personals message service. Yes, chat with girls some long-term relationships start this way, but so do nightmare situations. Be safe, warns Alman. “If you’re meeting for the first time, meet in public,” she says. Make pussy cam sure someone else knows where you are going and with whom, and don’t spend time alone until you get to know this new person. “It used to be that we would only meet friends of friends,” she adds. “Now common sense must prevail, no matter how cute they are.”
3. Engaging in a threesome. Otherwise known as a ménage a trois, sex between three people can be some of the most memorable and fun sex of your life cam4, says Alman. But there are some pitfalls to watch out for. For example, if two of the three participants are in a relationship already, it is important to talk ahead of time about what is off-limits. If you’re live girls part of an existing relationship, you might consider setting some limits about what your partner can do with (or to) the third person. You have to be cam 4 prepared for the fact that jealousy may strike, even though you didn’t think it would, Alman warns. Additionally, she says, threesomes can touch on hidden (or not so hidden) discomfort related to online sex homoerotic experiences, as inevitably, at least two of the three participants will be of the same gender. It’s better to consider this ahead of time, rather than living with regret in the morning.
4. Making a sex tape. “If you make a video [with a partner] and then break up and find out it’s on Facebook or sent via email to mutual friends, you’re not going to be happy,” warns Alman. If you decide to go ahead and make one, be sure you have the only copy and be discreet with it. Whatever you do, don’t put it on the Internet.
chaturbateThis is one of those sexy ideas that may come back to haunt you, she says.
5. Having sex in public. “Sex in public can be extremely exciting,” acknowledges Alman. “You have to be very aware of the risk. You really don’t want a record
asian sex as a sex offender just because somebody caught a glimpse of something they shouldn’t have.” If you must indulge, choose a location (such as your own fenced-in backyard) and a time when the risk of discovery is extremely slim.
6. Having a one-night stand. “Acting on the seemingly overwhelming promise of fun sex with someone you barely know — or just a casual night with someone you do know — probably buy herbal won’t have the outcome you’re hoping for, and you could lose respect for yourself. You’ve got to be able to look at yourself in the mirror,” says Alman. If it’s someone you don’t know, you’re risking sexually transmitted infections or even a worse outcome if your partner turns out to be violent. If your one-night stand is with someone you do know, you have to consider ladyboy cams the possibly negative impact it could have on yourshemale cams reputation as well as your relationship with this friend.
7. Having sex in the shower. While many sexy ideas backfire because of damage to your reputation or emotions, the primary worry with sex in the shower is safety. black gay chat If you’re flexible enough for the confined space, avoid mishaps by having live gay no-slip stickers on the bottom of the shower and well-anchored hand rails.
8. Posing in the nude. Sexy photos can be tasteful treasures between committed partners (there is even a branch of lifestyle photography catering to this market), but you run the same risk here as with sexting and making a video: There is always the possibility gaychat that someone other than your intended will see the sexy photo. And no matter how excited you feel about this partner at the moment, one day this could be your ex and retrieving your photos might be difficult.
No sexy idea is truly out of the question, as long as you go into the situation fully aware of the risks and with a firm understanding of how to protect yourself both physically and emotionally. camfuze
09/22/2005 at 7:30 AM #4193AnonymousGuest
sorry you feel this way. its easy to feel hopeless when things like that happen. when a five year relationship dwindles into nothing but a sadistic misguidance. i know how it is. too many of us do. and this is probably a stupid thing to say right now, but the truth is, shit happens. and shit happens like that every day to nearly everyone. hang in there, man. i think eventually you can around this bleak outlook and it would be best for you if you would. im not going to say that life is too short to feel that way, because as far as im concerned, life has already been damn long. its only going to get longer, so do you really want to spend all that time miserable and pissed off at everything?
take it easy, man.
09/27/2005 at 12:57 PM #4211deczParticipant
LOL. This was a freakin great read buddy! I love the last two lines!
09/28/2005 at 8:08 AM #4218SydneyParticipant
Gotta agree with Decz, the last to lines are GOLD. Almost makes me wish I had a penis to purchase those cheap blow jobs in a third world country for the rest of my life.
Then again, any kind of sex for a girl is pretty easy to come by so nevermind. Good rant though, feel betteR?
01/08/2006 at 11:18 AM #4566AnonymousGuest
Yo man, good rant down there.
01/14/2006 at 7:18 PM #4588AnonymousGuest
What a shame that a deception ruined your innocence. What a shame that one girl’s decision will influence you so much that you are willing to give up on love. If you only knew how many women would wish to meet a guy that treats them like you did when you first met her… You could make one girl happy and you don’t even know. Instead you prefer to abuse third world girls and will probably ending getting Aids.
10/12/2006 at 4:00 PM #4693AnonymousGuest
This is clearly a female rant. Because she is giving you the clear indication of no reason and accountabilty. Most women who apppreciate a good guy have dogged one and have been hurt by th next guy or have been cheated on repeatedly. why would she tell you to date a new “good” girl without giving you the tools to find her? Women feel the need to defend this idea that women are good instead of keeping real. Saying this does happen. Good guys are sometimes turned in to assholes.
01/15/2006 at 8:58 AM #4591AnonymousGuest
Take it from a veteran of the wars (male, 46 y/o) You experienced what every young man goes through when dealing with young women. Reality collided with the “Hollywood” fantasy about women and relationships. First, you did not see the signs that she had no intention of being in a relationship with you; it seems that all the effort was coming from your side only. At no time did she indicate that her feelings for you were the same as yours, although she benefited from them. Secondly, when you professed your “love” for her she needed to pull the plug on the “relationship” because quite frankly, she was not in love with you. (see website on the “ladder theory” regarding why) To tell you that she wanted to be “friends” was her way of getting out without being the “villain” and “hurting your feelings”-but she did’nt act like a friend, did she?
Thirdly, you weren’t in love; you were in lust. Unless you were getting sex from her-you had nothing; women bang their boyfriends. Period. Why are you thinking about having a serious relationship if you are a young man? You should be getting laid every night from a different woman every night. Why go to a third world country when you can get it in the good ol’ USA? My advice: Treat women like crap (don’t be dependable, don’t give flowers or candy, don’t take them to dinner…and for gawds sake….DON’T TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM!)For the pussies out there that want to take this the wrong way…this does not mean to abuse women physically or mentally….Oh, and listen to The Tom Leykis Show (www.blowmeuptom.com or http://www.leykisonline.com) You’ll be alright pal, go get drunk, blow off some steam, get your head together…don’t do anything stupid and be yourself. It’s her loss, not yours.
02/21/2018 at 9:14 PM #5766aGuest
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I suppose for now I’ll settle for book-marking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account.
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01/16/2006 at 12:06 PM #4592AnonymousGuest
That’s acting like an asshole (suggestion of the above woman hater’s s.o.b. selfish-man’s post), don’t listen to his crap, he’s teaching you to disrespect women and what you’ll get in return is sex but no self-respect. Come on, women are human being, not pets that you fuck and put aside. You don’t want to become an animal, do you ?
Figures that that stupid advice comes from a veteran. They are so used killing and abusing others that they have lost all their sensibility and become killing and hurting machines ;p
10/12/2006 at 4:17 PM #4694AnonymousGuest
Women and male feminists always talk as if yo donot hold a womens feelings to the heavens that you are disrespectful. Most women Mistreat sensitive and nice guys, even if they end up with one.(they are looking for security and stability.) Woman like a challenge is not a male phrase. A woman will do and say the most appalling things and still expect their feelings to be the issue. Remember: woman who don’t sleep with their husbands still expect a man to be faithful. but i bet she slept with him alot before they got married.
01/16/2006 at 4:01 PM #4593AnonymousGuest
that is not a nice way to treat a woman. Just treat her like a human being sometimes might help
01/21/2006 at 12:37 AM #4595AnonymousGuest
You are a good writer.
03/24/2006 at 7:16 PM #4639AnonymousGuest
I believe that you believe (98% anyway) everything you wrote. The passion and intelligence and humor also show me that you are a man who will, again, at some point, fall madly, deeply, truly in love. And she will love you back. And the angels will sing and the muses will weep and all will be right with the world and you’ll post another rant here (or somewhere) that will be even more compelling about how your world shifted and why loving someone is emotionally brave and rewarding and worth it and, without a woman, what the fuck is the point, really? Or, you’ll just get cut-rate blow jobs and secretly cry in the shower once every couple of years.
But I bet you everything I have in my pocket that the cut-rate blow jobs will lose.
I’ll bet you everything
03/27/2006 at 1:37 PM #4644AnonymousGuest
To convince the person to become better is possible only in one way; to touch feelings of the person is possible only by displaying of your own feelings; to awaken love in someone is only possible if you yourself can love. Be what you would wish to see in other people. Make yourself the sermon, do not ask other to be one for you.
03/29/2006 at 4:36 PM #4653AnonymousGuest
Fucking shit people go get a life. Brutally honest advisors, who are advising you, how fuck you know anything about brutality, fucking shit someone just does not want you, it is not the end of the world, you did not loose your close friends, family members, have you ever been to children hospital, have you ever seen how many people die every day. I am not trying to say anyone should try to save the world, but why all you fucking losers only joined together in this sandbox of so called brutality, where fuck you all have been when you where happy.
Pulling together in happiness, no. Why sacrifice our time when we happy, we look at those jaded and cynical and laugh. We think we found hour soulmate forever and ever, and those fucks just make themselves miserable. We think we will never go to the other side, even if we have been there before. We gossip about someone, judge someone because look, now we happy in love, and this loser got what he deserved. No we do not over support when we happy, we make them more lonely. Perhaps it is no coincidence that you all here, now most of your happiness is just a memory. And you dump fucks only trying to escape reality by remembering all the bad shit, get real it was not always bad and move on
07/16/2006 at 7:25 AM #4683AnonymousGuest
…Firstly, it’s kinda obvious from the getgo this person was…pissed off. So coherence was never to be it’s saving grace. Even so, the gist of this post seems to be – “Do not point out how shit and meaningless this world is, because it is a LOT more shit and meaningless than you can possible imagine.” Somehow that’s just a No Sale in my eyes.
…Secondly, I’m guessing english isn’t his/her first language. And while I’m fairly impressed that someone who is ESL would even attempt to post something like this (and certainly some of the phrases used are oddly striking – “…this SANDBOX of so called brutality” – Priceless…), some of the meaning and intent in the preceding posts would just have whizzed over their head like an Irish fireman. Still, I am impressed at the effort.
…Thirdly, anyone who has ever has their heart torn out and un-recycled by the very object of their obsession (ohshit I mean affection) knows that in many ways it IS “the end of the world”. Sometimes even more so than the people dying everyday. In this particular world, when death strikes, those left behind can (and always do) find ways to rationalize it. Dead children were always perfect angels who would have grown up with their bibles dog-eared and bookmarked, dead parents always kind and caring, dead civilians always samaritans, dead soldiers always warrior-poets. And there is always a REASON – either it was fate or god or a lesson for the rest of us, or SOMETHING is to blame – those goddamn commies/ muslims/ christians/ democrats/ republicans/ foreigners/ drunk drivers/ drug pushers/ marilyn manson. There is always a STORY, a narrative – this is the very essence of what keeps people nice and secure and plodding along or charging off on whatever the hell crusade our little minds have dreamt up. In todays modern metrosexual climate however, breakups have a curious way of being undeniably unremarkable, senseless, downright meaningless, uncomfortably revealing about the significance of our deepest possible emotions and beliefs. Read the introduction to this site – “untold soul-wrenching heartbreak, grief and suicidal despair” those aren’t just pretty words. Trust me, my first breakup shattered me far more than the subsequent deaths of my grandmother, grandfather and the irreversible split of my family, because by then I had an developed an extremely cold and equally extremely accurate viewpoint of what it means to be alive. And the absolute fuck of it is that anyone who hasn’t gone through it can possibly understand – their minds simply won’t let them. The only half-solution is found in Men in Black (the first, not the atrocious straight-to-Chinese-VCD sequel) – “The only way these people get on with their HAPPY lives is THEY DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT.” Thank god I have my eminem cds and my fifth of vodka.
…And fourthly, I object to being labeled as a “dump fuck” by someone who… Well you either see the irony or ya don’t. That whole kettle/black jazz just gets on my tits.
Of course the rest of you are just complete dump fucks.
05/06/2006 at 2:24 PM #4660AnonymousGuest
I was married for 25 years. I have been divorced for 8 and i am still wonderin when the pain and confusion stops..When does the forgetting start? Word of advice to anyone out there who has issues from childhood that have not been delt with….it only gets worse and the bullshit you are inflicting on whoever loves you or is trying or has tried….is the cruelest shit you can do to someone you say you love, not to mention to yourself. Get help and if you think that nothing can make you happy….tough shit. Try doing something that will make someone else happy for a change…Life isn’t just about you.
05/08/2006 at 12:27 PM #4662AnonymousGuest
Man with common sense! Bravo!(Applies to comment above)
Go and make someone happy, losers
05/08/2006 at 12:22 PM #4661AnonymousGuest
Man with common sense! Bravo!!!!!!
05/26/2006 at 9:58 AM #4666AnonymousGuest
Yes, the problem with common sense is that when it’s common, it usually ain’t sense… and vice versa. “Go make someone else happy” sounds all well and good, but the way I see it, that’s exactly what this poor man (the one married for 25 years who is still hurting from a divorce 8 years later) tried to do for a quarter century and now he’s in a world of hurt. So what, let’s find the next lucky lady to lavish affection upon? Wash, rinse, repeat? We may be losers, but is it really better to be a sucker? No offense meant, that’s just the way I can’t help seeing it. The problem as I think is that, by and large, women eventually find the vast majority of men boring, predictable, messy, childish, pathetic, rude, disgusting, overweight and balding. So now that all her married lady friends (the ones who she married for “because everyone else was doing it”) are fashionably complaining about their husbands shortcomings, it makes a lot of sense to drop him and crow about that too (why do ya think all those women’s mags focus so much on divorce and breakups? Didn’t anyone tell ya it’s cool to break hearts?) If I sound like a misogynist, then let me say in womens defense that their man probably is boring, predictable, messy, childish, pathetic, rude, disgusting, overweight and balding. Women on the other hand, tend to become whiny, bitchy, back-stabbing, insinuative, sneaky, irresponsible, manipulative and despite “common sense”, when the rubber meets the road, surprisingly insensitive and uncaring about whichever circle of hell shes putting her man through. Note that I’ve shamelessly used sweeping stereotypes here, they only apply to 99% of the human population.
One thing I do agree on is that there is more to the world than just yourself. A lot more. That’s part of the problem. Theres so much to this world other than our brief rat race that human happiness and functional relationships/families barely register in the great scheme of important things. Don’t believe me? Pick up a history book. Then a biology book. Scream a little and then get drunk. So, basically do whatever the hell you want. If making other ppl happy makes you happy, good luck to you. If you want to go get your cheap blowjobs, that’s peachy too. Want to have 10 kids and live till 100, sounds nice. Want to die young singing “I don’t care what they say, I won’t live in a world without love!”, go to it monkeyman. It really won’t matter to anyone who’ll last long enough to matter.
Vale of tears indeed.
08/07/2006 at 9:46 AM #4684AnonymousGuest
Hello people! I wrote the original message, and as some of you may have noticed I was feeling a wee bit melancholy. Thanks to the people who’ve expressed concern or wrote in to pass on some advice. Several have been very astute.
Something Amazing Has Happened.
No, I’m not in love. I didn’t meet The One. I didn’t find any Answers.
What’s happened is this: I just don’t care anymore.
(there’s a BIG dopey grin on my mug this very minute as I type this 🙂 )
I don’t care. I don’t even care that I don’t care. A year ago when I wrote the original post, I would have wrote “I just don’t give a fuck” or something to that effect. I was ANGRY. But now I don’t even care enough to feel that. All the dark passion has faded somewhere inconsequential (like a moving book you once read when you were a kid)
How did this happen? Many reasons I guess:
Time: it’s been 6 years, 6 YEARS since I lost this girl I fell for. I haven’t, and probably won’t ever, feel that true innocent happiness that I was lucky enough to savor once, and perhaps that’s one more time than some people who’ve already died. But I don’t miss the joy, I can’t – I can barely recall it, I’ve changed so much that it happened to somebody else. I remember the pain, but I can’t remember the reasons I felt it in the first place. I can’t remember what it was like to believe in something.
Sex: I’m in an open relationship, a fuck buddy, with some chick now. She’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever met, so I (and I’m sure a few other guys) can chat her up with my brain switched off (need the blood supply for other parts you see). Not bad looking really, fairly plain, nice skin, nice smell bla bla bla. She’s 6 years older than me, though shes more immature and self-absorbed than most teens. I couldn’t really give two hoots about her. Or her me (though shes tried to get me jealous a few times while talking about the other flings she’s been having – was a bit pissed that I didn’t get mad). She’s been used by violent asshole guys her whole life, in fact I think it’s driven her quite daft. I’m probably one of the few non-violent fairly-pleasant guy whose ever used her, poor thing. Don’t get me wrong, I AM nice to her – I take her out to dinner, compliment her, agree as she trashes her friends, spend hours stroking my fingertips up and down her back while she gasps in my face. It’s all just a pleasant facade you see. She is my cat (or maybe I am hers) a rub, a purr, some coochiecooo baby talk, but I don’t LOVE her, anymore than I would a cat. I don’t think I really even LIKE her.
Deaths and Goodbyes: I’ve lived with twenty or so people in four different houses in the past four years. At one stage I slept in my car for three weeks. I’ve worked with forty-odd people in a stack of different jobs. I’ve said more painful goodbyes to people than I can recall in one sitting. My sister got married to some poor sap and I didn’t even bother showing up for the wedding. I’m estranged from my parents and both my grandparents died recently, my grandmother feeling like she’d failed because she couldn’t re-unite us. At the end of this year, I’m moving out again to another place. I don’t care anymore. I have become a cat, I drift into people’s lives, I drift out again, and I’ve seen most people’s lives are rather grey little affairs(really rather sad) with that ubiquitous splash of hypocrisy and a dollop of dodgy self-justification. There are GOOD people out there, less in churches than you would believe, but they are the glorious exceptions that I bask in before heading back into real life. It doesn’t bother me anymore.
New Job: I’ve found a new job. I’m a telemarketer. I work for a scam (which is, of course, what all telemarketing jobs are). It’s not the first scam I’ve been an underling for. My position depends on me chatting gaily to closeted housewives over the phone to screw them out of several thousand dollars. I enjoy it immensely. Joining in while they rave about their kids. Asking them how their day has been in my everso-polite-young-man-goodnessgracious voice (When a woman becomes a mother, Everyone else on the planet becomes a child to her you see – animal instincts in action), I imagine her explaining to her husband how great my product is, what a nice young man she spoke with before he got home. Imagining that tired look on his face, having to yet again pick between giving up a shitload of money for another of the missus’ whims or enduring several weeks of hinting, nagging hell as only a wife knows how to draw out. Just spending the evening in busy room listening to the best co-workers deliver their spiels, admiring their artifice, with their little bags of tricky phrases and innocent questions, quietly jotting down every detail they mine on their pads, names, kid’s names, schools, occupations, hobbies, favourite sports teams, recent birthdays, parties, renovations. Anything to make complete strangers feel relaxed and trusting. I even enjoy hearing the bad workers, the brute questions, accusations, pleas, desperate jabbering, obvious ineffectual recitation. I picture the mother on the other line, harassed, saucepan in one hand, todler clinging to the other, too nice to hang up, using every excuse she can to squirm out of the conversation, in some small way less trusting, more jaded. I love talking to my boss. I know it’s a scam. She knows it’s a scam. But neither of us will say it. It’s a non-topic. She’ll tell me what to say, counter arguments, paths to take the conversation, and of course she has all the subtle answers I should give to my customers to avoid their suspicion. She has to teach me how to play the game without mentioning how the game works. She’s very nice to me, as all scam employer are to their underlings, you really don’t want a lot of disgruntled former employees who know your game you see. I smile. Mutual dishonesty I admire.
Have I become a fatalist? I still intend to die young. A dramatic teary gesture or some mindless vague accident. Doesn’t matter. The thought of either brings a smile to my face. The thought of my mother wringing her hands, lost, lost, and then the inevitable explanations, the stories, the narratives, the blame. And before long she too will be gone, and shallow individuals like my dear sister will continue to spread the selfish genes as tradition demands. Who I am goes when I go and whatever stories they’ve concocted will be passed to my nephews and nieces. I would never even have existed. Truth will be gone so that lies can do their vital work instilling hope into the next generation, the naive, the inexperienced, so that they too may go forth and multiply.
Or maybe I won’t have the guts to end it. I’ve heard that with gun to your brain, once the trigger is pressed you are dead before you even realize it, there’s no time. But what if I don’t have the guts to pull that trigger? Will I just grow older and older until time does the job for me. Will I be a lonely old man, now so very far from the happiest times of his life. Why does that thought make me smile?
The world is here just for the sheer fuck of it. The more twisted it is, the more I applaud it’s artifice, the endless hypocrisy, the glimmers of innocence and beauty and homeliness that are always and only built upon lies upon lies, layered and delicious as ice-cream. Maybe I’ve gone mad. I’ve look in the mirror and I see a madman. A slightly twisted smile, staring eyes set in faded sleeprings. I look the way I used to feel, lost, torn, spent. Will I eventually look the way I feel now? How is a fatalist supposed to look?
Everything makes me want to smile.
08/13/2007 at 10:20 PM #4737WhipserParticipant
Well, you’re gonna think this sounds cheesy or clichÃƒÂ©, but i can see myself in EVERY fuckin’ line you’ve written, both before and after.
Hell, i fell in love when i was 16 with this cute little girl, she cheated on me about 5 times during our two year long relationship and dumped me three days before getting back with some other guy. And boy, i can COMPLETELY relate to how you felt. I was brought up by my sister in the whole “you have to respect women” and “be sensitive, caring and understanding” bullshit. And when i actually did put all the effort in being a nice guy, the cute girl shoveled shit in my face. And yeah, i was angry too, so angry at her for all the lies, the bullshit excuses, the hypocrisy. It took me three years to get over it, three long years to actually be able to talk about it without gritting my teeth.
And yes, i felt exactly like you do now. I didn’t give a fuck about feelings, about love or even about fairness or compassion. I had sex with about a dozen women of all ages within six months, not even giving “feelings” a thought. I was the epithomy of cold, harsh and down to earth guy that was confident enough to get any girl he wanted. And i did too.
But after living like that for about eight years, i realized that the whole thing was a lie, just like the rest. That i was simply running away from my feelings, not allowing myself to get too involved out of plain, pathetic fear of being hurt again. And BELIEVE me, after eight years of practice, i was EXTREMELY good at it.
The problem is, when you don’t care about anything, not even about being alone, well, you usually ARE alone. And one morning you wake up and you don’t know why but something deep inside you stirrs up and starts yanking away at your soul. You feel like some thing’s deeply wrong with you, that you’re so tied up with this image of a strong person that you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be honest. You start feeling bad for no reason, losing all interest in whatever’s around you. You slowly drift into this meaningless existence of quick and easy pleasure that never lasts more than a second.
So you’ve got this bad feeling inside you and you don’t even know why. Hell, you can’t even put it into words, you don’t know what it is except that it’s just terribly wrong. So you start to look for answers in books, on websites, in expensive meetings with counselors and even zen meditation. But you just can’t find it, this goddamn thing that’s just so wrong
And the issue is, you’re smart enough to know, deep inside, that you’re not confident, you’re not strong, you’re just a pathetic little liar that’s afraid of the truth.
It took me about a year of work to actually realize it, to work my way through it and finally be at peace. Now mind you, I’m not saying that all the above applies to you, but i wanted to tell you about it so that in case it happens to you, you’ll know you’re not the only one out there…
08/24/2010 at 9:36 AM #4912ohhaithereParticipant
By Henry Rollins. You MIGHT be able to relate to him.
05/01/2011 at 12:43 PM #5224AnonymousGuest
Youre a frikkin genius women are sneaky conniving lying manipulative people who take advantage of a guy who is genuinely cool and down to earth and willing to do anything for her. They are cold blooded cold hearted bitches
05/08/2011 at 4:21 PM #5229AnonymousGuest
Exactly, fuck them!