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Can Starbucks help you get laid?

Even though you’ve probably bought chicks tons of Long Island Iced Teas, it turns out you should have been buying them espressos instead. Southwestern University researchers found that female rats were more receptive to male rat advances after a jolt of java. Caffeine, it seems, stimulates the area of the brain that handles sexual motivation. Unfortunately, the effect doesn’t work on girls who drink coffee everyday. So buying a cup for coffee-drinker won’t do you any more good than buying one cocktail for an alcoholic (you need to buy at least eight).

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Sex versus Masturbation: Which is really better?

Probably by hooking up students nether regions to solenoids, sensors (or worse), researchers at the University of Paisley in Scotland have reported that:

…prolactin increases following orgasm are involved in a feedback loop that serves to decrease arousal.

And that:

the magnitude of post-orgasmic prolactin increase is thus a neurohormonal index of sexual satiety.

Finally concluding that:

the magnitude of prolactin increase following intercourse is 400% greater than that following masturbation.

In a other words, you need to masturbate four five times to get the same benefits of one actual real fuck. But you kinda already figured that out yourself, didn’t you? 

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For the ladies.

Yeah, we know this is late, but we can’t be on top of every fucking news item. Besides, misery is timeless. We just found these amusing poems from a self-described “pop culture princess”: Pamie’s Eighth Annual Valentine’s Day Poems.

Enjoy.

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MC1R’s have more fun.

It now appears that men’s penchant for women with peroxide dye-jobs might have its roots in something besides 50 years of ogling Playboy centerfolds with one hand.

It seems a Dr. Peter Frost now believes blonde hair in women (gene MC1R) may be an indicator of more than just a low IQ and loose sexual morals. It may have, at one time, been an indicator of higher estrogen levels in women with blonde hair and, hence, higher fertility.

In other words, the women that guys are most biologically attracted to are also the most likely to get knocked up. Now that all makes sense from a procreation standpoint, but what if you’re not interested in starting a family just yet?

Well, if this theory turns out to be valid, we’d advise you to avoid screwing true blondes, and instead, stick to blondes with dark roots. Because your genes won’t be able to tell the difference, and your sperm won’t figure it out until it’s too late.

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Did anyone honestly not see this coming?

Here’s a tip: If someone makes you angry enough to write a song about murdering them, chances are good that the two of you shouldn’t be together. Even if you have kids. (Hell, especially if you have kids!) Rapper/songwriter Eminem—who had apparently never heard “Gold-digger” by Kanye West—stupidly remarried the very same woman who inspired his song, “Kim.”

Now, 82 days later, he’s wised up and filed for divorce. It was bad enough that he took the bitch back in the first place, but if the rumor is true that he didn’t get her to sign a pre-nup, then he’s dumber than she looks.

Seriously, what woman wouldn’t try to remarry her now-rich Ex—even if she hated his guts? Hell, even Mother Teresa would’ve taken a run at that easy payday.

On the bright side, you know he’ll be back writing even more angry, pain-tinged music in no time. Mostly, because he’ll need the fucking money…

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More bad news for fugly guys.

Sorry ugly dudes, but as if being ugly weren’t bad enough, it now looks as though your pool of datable chicks is getting even smaller. And you’ll never guess the reason why…

According to researchers from the University of St Andrews, a woman’s financial independence increases her “preference for physical attractiveness in potential partners.” In other words, if you’re an ugly guy, don’t hit on successful women. They don’t want anything to do with you.

But all is not lost. The research also confirmed that women of limited means are still more interested in a man’s financial status than his appearance. So unattractive guys can still get unsuccessful women (and they’re the best looking ones, anyway).

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Are you on the pill, Mister?

Apparently, pharmaceutical researchers are nearing the development of a male contraceptive pill. Or more likely, “a patch, topical gel or injection.” But regardless of which form it takes, the real questions are: Will it work 100% of the time? Exactly how infertile is infertile enough?

After all, it only takes one of those sperm bastards to trigger a lifetime of alimony payments. Frankly, the only 100% fool-proof contraceptive for men is the Lorena Bobbitt method.

Ouch.

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Are you getting your share of oral?

Back in the day, guys were lucky to get a handjob from a girl. But kids today are getting knobbers at the drop of a hat (or more accurately, of pants).

According to a UCSF study published in the April 2005 issue of Pediatrics “Young adolescents believe that oral sex is less risky to their health and emotions than vaginal sex, more prevalent among teens their age and more acceptable among their peers. They are also more likely to try oral sex.”

Lucky sons of bitches.

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‘Plan-B’ Will Save Lives (Of Idiots)

Like a ray of sunshine through the clouds of Conservative oppression, the FDA finally approved the “Morning After” pill without prescription.

Known as “Plan-B” by its manufacturer—and “a fucking life-saver” by every sexually active 18-year old—the pill contains high doses of ingredients used in birth-control pills and is effective at preventing pregnancy when taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex.

Now, finally, drunken whores and irresponsible rapists won’t be forced to bear, and badly raise, the unwanted children they might have otherwise spawned. Children who, without qualified parenting, would no doubt become burdens of the State, criminals or contestants on “America’s Got Talent!” Instead, these whores and rapists will get a second chance to become useful members of society, living up to their full potential as Hooter’s waitresses and celebrity athletes.

As expected, millions of sperm, ova and religious zealots were disappointed by the ruling.

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Screw Mars, Earth Needs Women.

So the solution to World Peace has finally been discovered. And it’s surprisingly simple: More women. Which is funny, because I always thought women were the problem. Turns out, the real problem was a lack of women.

According to a recent article in BusinessWeek, when you “put a bunch of male rats in a cage with no females, give them plenty of food, and they get along like they’re on some sort of male sensitivity retreat.” Apparently, without women around, men have no need to compete (and by compete, they mean kill each other).

In one monkey tribe with a high female-to-male ratio, aggression “was far less frequent. There was more reciprocal grooming and hanging out, and females were less defensive now that there were more of them. But most surprising, outsider aggressor males that joined the tribe quickly adapted…becoming less aggressive and more social as well.”

The obvious, but hard-to-believe conclusion: More women means more peace.

If there were shitloads of chicks everywhere, men wouldn’t have to compete for them. When there’s more supply, there’s less demand, and less demand means fewer arrogant bitches (Yeah, I’m talking to you, Paris).

So if you’re planning to burden society with yet another screaming crap-machine, at least try to have a female one. For the sake of world peace. The future will thank you.